Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
May 13th, 2006
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Paul Simon
None
Al Gore
Jason Alexander
Jerry Seinfeld
Liz Cackowski
John Lutz
Paula Pell
Emily Spivey
Jorma Taccone
Parallel Universe Address from President GoreSummary: In an alternate universe, President Al Gore addresses America on how perfect the world is in 2006.
Transcript
Montage
Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ MonologueSummary: Former cast member Julia Louis-Dreyfus reveals alternate titles proposed for “The New Adventures of Old Christine”, then marvels that the “Seinfeld Curse” hasn’t affected her career the way it has Jerry Seinfeld’s or Jason Alexander’s.
Transcript
Tech PackSummary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) recommends the Tech Pack for a woman (Kristin Wiig) who’s having a difficult time carrying all of her techno gizmos around the airport.
Note: After being cut from the dress rehearsals of the last four episodes, this commercial parody finally airs on a live show.
Transcript
Bum AttentionSummary: It’s a blow to Jen’s (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) self-esteem when a filthy street bum (Bill Hader) makes obscene gastures to her friends, but not to her.
Note: This sketch was cut from the episode hosted by Billy Bob Thornton four seasons earlier.
Transcript
The Morning ShowSummary: Technical gaffes abound.
Transcript
MySpace SeminarSummary: Community teacher (Andy Samberg) teaches a MySpace seminar to a concerned soccer mom (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and a group of middle-aged perverts.
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Paul Simon performs “How Can You Live in a Northeast Town”First Performed: 75b.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Al Gore debates Amy Poehler on global warming. Tina Fey’s grandfather, Wolfgang Fey (Fred Armisen) makes repeated attempts to call the Medicare hotline. Finesse Mitchel comments on men’s fashion. Magician David Blaine (Andy Samberg) fails to hold his breath for nine minutes.
Charades!Summary: In 70’s game show rerun, challenging contestant’s (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) phrase clues are mistaken as obscene gestures by the celebrity panel.
Recurring Characters: Charo.
Unsolved MysteriesSummary: An actress (Julia Louis Dreyfus) is frustrated when she participates in a pop culture-related re-eneactment that obviously never happened.
Paul Simon performs “Outrageous”
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: Distraught over a failed relatonship, a man (Andy Samberg) threatens to jump to his death while standing an inch above the sidewalk, in a message paid for by the United Peyote Growers Association.
Note: This digital short was originally cut from the dress rehearsal of the Alec Baldwin episode.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
A Letter from the Iranian Prime MinisterSummary: Iranian Prime Minister (Fred Armisen) writes a series of letters addressed to President George W. Bush, the nation of Israel, the New Yorker, and a shampoo company.
Nunis
A Day Without an ImmigrantSummary: When an illegal immigrant housekeeper (Maya Rudolph) takes the day off to join the local boycott, her employers’ (Jason Sudeikis, Amy Poehler) home life turns to chaos. Introduction by Al Gore.
The Shaggy DogSummary: Movie executives try to create a slogan for the “Shaggy Dog” poster.
An SNL Digital ShortSummary: A cop (Andy Samberg) has a difficult time eating with his obtrusive lobster claws.
Bush Commemorative PlatesSummary: The worst moments in recent American history are commemorated as the proudest moments of Bush’s tenure in office.
