Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon
Jen…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
[ open on three friends seated at a table in a nice restaurant ]
Paula: I don’t know, you guys – I think I’m gonna get the Caeser Salad.
Rachel: Oh, I’ll get that, too!
Jen: [ smiles ] Oh, I’m so glad you guys were free today – I don’t get to see you guys enough!
Paula: I know.[ Maya enters and sits ]
Maya: I’m so sorry I’m late you guys. This day has been the worst. First I couldn’t get a cab, and then – did you see that creepy guy out front? Ugh! He was disgusting!
Paula: The guy with the crusty hair and the dirty old jacket?
Maya: Yes! I was coming in here, and he was like, “Nice jugs![ the women express their disgust ]
Rachel: That guy is gross. I passed him on the way in here, and he said he wanted to lick me “where the sun don’t shine.”[ the women again express their disgust ]
Paula: You know, when I came in, he was like “Hey, Blondie, you want to take a rode on the baloney pony?” I wanted to throw up.
Jen: [ mulls the situation ] He didn’t say anything to me. [ frowns ]
Maya: Consider yourself lucky, Jen.
Paula: Yeah, that guy’s a pig.
Rachel: He’s disgusting!
Jen: [ upset ] What is my problem, you guys?
Paula: Jen, why would you want attention from a stinky homeless dude?
Jen: Don’t you see, Paula – that’s just it I can’t even get the attention of a stinky homesless dude!
Paula: Oh, great. Great, he’s back. Just ignore him, and he’ll go away.[ the Bum begins making a series of obscene gestures – puckering his lips, motioning his hands as though cupping a pair of breasts, and touching his nipple and pointing to his woman of choice ] [ the women are disgusted by his actions, except for Jen, who smiles and waves to the Bum. Upon noticing her, the Bum ends his obscene gestures and turns away from her, disappearing from the window. ]
Jen: [ now more upset ] He hates me!
Rachel: Look – maybe he didn’t see you on your way in.
Jen: I gave him a dollar!
Maya: Just forget it, Jen, okay? The guy is gross. [ opens her menu ] Are you guys gonna order? Is everyone getting the Caeser Salad?
Jen: D-Did you see that, you guys? What is wrong with me? This is, like, the last thing I need today! I’m going to the ladies room! [ stands abruptly and rushes to the ladies room ]
Paula: I feel bad for Jen, you guys.
Rachel: I know. What do we do?[ the Bum reappears in the window ]
Rachel: [ turns to wave him in ] Hey! Hey! Heeeeeyyy! [ the Bum turns and notices her ] Come here! Yeah! Get in here![ the Bum disappears from the window ]
Maya: I don’t want to talk to that guy – he smells like pee![ the Bum swaggers into the restaurant ]
Bum: You ladies finally come to your senses? Let’s get this party started – am I right?
Paula: No, you’re not right! Don’t sit down!
Maitre’D: Uh – excuse me, sir. We have a dress code – and an unspoken bathing code.
Maya: Oh, no, it’s okay – he’s not staying.
Paula: Hey! Listen!
Paula: Can you do something for us? Alright? Can you say something gross to our friend when she gets back?
Bum: The one with the wavy hair? Pass! But, uh, lucky for you, this face seats three, if you know what I’m saying!
Rachel: Okay. Okay. My bad. This wasn’t a good idea.
Paula: Hey, everyone, hold up. We gotta do this for Jen.
Maya: Yeah, Paula’s right. [ to the Bum ] Would you say something to our friend? Please.
Bum: She ain’t my type. She puts up a desperate vibe. It’s a turn-off.
Maya: You’re a bum!
Bum: Hey, I like what I like!
Rachel: Well.. would you say something for five bucks? [ pulls out a fiver ]
Bum: Done! And done![ Jen returns from the ladies room, displeased to see the Bum standing at her table with her friends ]
Jen: what is this guy doing here?
Bum: I, uh – I just want to tell you something.
Jen: [ not sure she’s interested ] What?[ James Taylor’s “Shower the People” begins to play, as the camera pans across the table to the hopeful faces of Jen’s friends, then to Jen’s own anticipation of the moment ]
Bum: I want to kiss you all over.. and then take adump on your stomach.
Jen: [ grossed out ] Ugh! You’re.. aw-ful! [ but she smiles happily ]
Rachel: Now, go on! Get out of here!
Bum: Thanks for the five bucks!
Jen: Five bucks? You paid that bum five bucks to say those things to me?!
Paula: [ nervously ] Yeahhh..
Jen: [ gleefully ] Oh! you guys are the best friends a guirl could ever ask for![ “Shower the People” plays again, as the four friends hug ] [ the Bum reappears at the window, as the Maitre’D tries to push him out of view ] [ fade ]