SNL Transcripts: Julia Louis-Dreyfus: 05/13/06: Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ Monologue

…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
…..Jason Alexander
…..Jerry Seinfeld

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Julia Louis-Dreyfus!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you so much – wow! I just can’t believe that I’m back here on “Saturday Night Live.” You know, some of you may not know this, but I was in the cast from 1982 to 1985. And I am so honored to say that I am the first female cast member to ever come back and host “SNL.”

Um – now, I’m in a show called “The New Adventures of Old Christine” I know, I know, I know – it’s a very catchy title. The truth is, originally, though, the title was just “Old Christine,” but CBS tested it, and they found out that men didn’t like the word “Old.” So they made us put words that meant “do like” in front of the title. Like “New” and “Adventure.” Other titles that tested particularly well with men were: “Football Christine.” “Barbecue Spaceship Christine.” “Coke Off a Whore’s Ass Christine.” And, of course, “CSI: Christine.”

But – the best thing about working on a show is that some people are saying that I broke the so-called Seinfeld Curse. Which is, frankly, a complete load of crap. I mean, we were on one of the most popular sitcoms of all time, and, because we haven’t been able to re-create that, we’re cursed? I mean, come on. Believe me, we are anything but cursed. In fact, I was just talking about it to an old friend, just the other day…

[ dissolve to pre-filmed exterior, coffee shop, with generic “Seinfeld” music fading into the background ] [ Julia steps out of the coffee shop, as a beared Jason Alexander comes walking down the sidewalk ]

Jason Alexander: [ spots her ] Julia? Hey-ey-ey-ey-hey!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Jason! Oh, my God!

[ they hug ]

Jason Alexander: It’s so funny!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I know!

Jason Alexander: What are you doing in New York?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, I have “Saturday Night Live” this week.

Jason Alexander: Oh, my God! I can’t even get tickets to that thing any more! The guy I knew from NBC got fired. Who’d you call?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, no, no. Actually, I’m hosting it.

Jason Alexander: Oh, hosting?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah.. yeah..

Jason Alexander: Wow, that’s great..

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah. Well, I mean, it’s because I have a show on CBS now – “The New Adventures of Old Christine.”

Jason Alexander: Yes, yes. Right. I saw it. [ chuckles politely ] It’s cute.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Well, I mean – it’s more funny than it is cute.

Jason Alexander: Yeah. Right. Well, I’m not the demographic!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah! Anyway, people are saying I broke the Seinfeld Curse!

Jason Alexander: Oh.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [ laughs ] How ridiculous is that?! [ laughs again ] I mean, have you ever felt cursed?

Jason Alexander: Me? No!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No!

Jason Alexander: Blessed! And I’ve got a lot of time now! A lot of time! And I got a new dog.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh. Oh.

Jason Alexander: But, you know – but I do have time, if you want. I could do the guest spot. On your show. You know. It’s stunt casting, the audience loves that stuff.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Yeah, yeah.. I’m not sure.

Jason Alexander: It’s the Curse. Isn’t it? It’s the Seinfeld Curse. You don’t want to touch me. I-I understand. I’m like poison. Ever since “Bob Patterson.” And I thought it was good! And “Listen Up” – it wasn’t my idea —

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, no, no! There’s no curse! Jason, come on! Look, I’ll talk to the people at “SNL” about getting you on the show with me. Okay?

Jason Alexander: You would do that?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Absolutely.

Jason Alexander: Oh, my God! I-I adore — you are the best! You’re the best! [ gives Julia a great big bear hug ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: No, you’re the best.. you’re the best.

Jason Alexander: This is great! We’re gonna have a great time!

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: It’ll be fun.

Jason Alexander: I’m going to host “SNL” with you! This is great! [ runs into the street ] The curse is over! The curse is ov —

[ suddenly, a taxi cab barrels down the street, running over Jason ] [ cut back to Julia standing at Home Base ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Oh, well. That’s a shame. Anyway, I know I’m not cursed —

[ suddenly, a light crashes to the floor beside Julia. She looks up to see what caused it to fall ] [ cut to pre-filmed bit, Jerry Seinfeld high above the rafters holding a pair of wire cutters ]

Jerry Seinfeld: [ with a raspy voice ] Oh, dammit! I missed! It’s like a curse! I’ll get you! Aghhh!! [ shirks away ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We have a great show for you tonight! We have Paul Simon! We have me, the uncursed Julia Louis-Dreyfus! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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