Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
Soccer Mom…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
Police Officer…..Finesse Mitchell
[ open on exterior, The Learning Annex ]
[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Teacher addresses his class in a close-up ]
Teacher: What’s up, everybody? I am pumped to welcome you to the Learning Annex’s MySpace and You seminar. Today we’re going to help you guys set up a MySpace page, so you an communicate with mroe than 6 million young people currently in the MySpace community. Okay, let’s get started. [ squints his eyes ] You know, this is a slightly older group than I was expecting.
[ show the class, a soccer mom surrounded by a group of sleazy-looking adult men ]
Soccer Mom: [ looks around, giggles ] Uh – well, I admit i’m not here to start my own MySpace page, but my daughter is spending all of her time on it, so I thought I should see what all this hullabaloo is about!
Teacher: Okay. And the rest of you?
Chadster1991: ..What she said?
Other Men: Yeah – yeah – what the lady said – that’s it!
Teacher: Fair enough. Uh – now, the first step in creating your MySpace page is to fill out your profile – things like your name, sex, and age.
Bill: Now, with the age thing – could my, uh, “child” put a different age than his actual age.
Teacher: Yeah, I guess he could.
Bill: MySpace doesn’t have a way to police that?
Teacher: Not really.
Bill: So, if my “son” was.. forty-five.. he could say he was fifteen?
Teacher: Your son is forty-five?
Bill: I said, if he was forty-five. It’s hypothetical.
Teacher: Well, yeah, technically he could say any age he wanted. But why would he do that?
9thGradeSk8terBoi: Well, sometimes people from one age group feel more comfortable around people of another age group. Um – maybe he wants to put what age his soul is, and.. not what age he actually is.
[ the other men agree with his valid point ]
Soccer Mom: Well, um, I am always worried that my daughter and her friends are putting older ages – you know, so they could seem more mature. Do you gentlemen have the same worries with your kids?
[all the men stare at the women, until finally one of them hesitantly speaks up ]
Teacher: Alright, you can also fill in things like your taste in music or your favorite movies. This way, you can meet people with similar tastes.
Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Oh! My goodness! This music my daughter listens to – I don’t know how she listens to it! It must be a generational thing.
Chadster1991: Uh, I have a question.
Teacher: Yeah, go ahead.
Chadster1991: What kind of music does your daughter listen to?
Soccer Mom: Oh, uh, let’s see, what does she – oh, she listens to a lot of this band called.. Fall Out Boy.
[ all the men simultaneously type the information into their laptop computers ]
Teacher: Okay, uh – now, let’s move on —
Jason: I’m sorry – real quick. Is “Fall Out Boy” one, two, or three words?
Soccer Mom: Oh. I don’t know. [ laughs ]
Bill: I found it! It’s three words!
[ all the men simultaneously type this new information into their laptop computers ]
Teacher: Another fun part of MySpace is picking out a screen name. One common approach is to use some variation of your name and the year that you were born. So, for instance, mine is: DJDanny1979. It’s a good way to give people a little more info on who you are.
Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t want to “date” myself, fellas, but.. you can call me Nancy1966!
Teacher: Nice work. Alright. Let’s see what else we got here. [ walks over to Chadster1991 ] Chadster1991?
Chadster1991: One-thousand nine-hundred ninety-one is my favorite number.
Teacher: Okay, well, Chad —
Chadster1991: My name is Larry.
Teacher: Okay, Larry. Well, if you put 1991 on there, it might make people think you’re 15.
Chadster1991: Well, that’s a risk I’m trying to take. I really like the number.
Teacher: Okay. And, what else we got? How about over here? [ walks over to 9thGradeSk8terBoi ] 9thGradeSk8terBoi.
9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ uncomfortably ] Sk8terBoi was my fraternity nickname.
Teacher: Spelled like the Avril Lavigne song?
Teacher: And why does it say 9thGrade if it was a fraternity nickname?
9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ struggling for a lie ] Um.. because, uh.. I went to college early.. like uh.. Doogie Howser!
Teacher: Okay. Alright. And what do we got over here? [ approaches NaughtyGirlHotStuff ] NaughtyGirlHotStuff. You know, I don’t even want to hear your explanations, but – you should know you’re gonna get a lot of teenaged boys wanting to meet you.
NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ feigning shock and disdain ] Oh, no.. I don’t want that! Why would I want that? Let me just change that. [ mimes typing on his keyboard ]
Chadster1991: Uh – I have a question?
Chadster1991: Let’s say you meet someone on MySpace, and want to arrange to meet them in person.
Chadster1991: Like, maybe you’re going to meet them at their house.
Teacher: What’s your question?
Chadster1991: What’s the best way to make sure that “Dateline”‘s not going to be there?
Teacher: [ returns to the front of the classroom ] Okay. Uh – I’m just going to race through the rest of this. Uh – you’re going to want to select an avatar, which is a visual representation of yourself. Most people use a picture of themselves.
Chris: Excuse me? Um – I was recently in a “car accident” that “severely” altered my appearance. Is it okay to use a picture of myself from before said “accident”?
Teacher: You can use anything you want – again, MySpace doesn’t really have a way to police that.
Teacher: Just out of curiosity, what did you look like before your accident?
Chris: Chad Michael Murray.
Teacher: [ skeptical ] You looked like Chad Michael Murray?
Chris: Before the “accident”, yes, much exactly like Chad Michael Murray.
Teacher: And what kind of “accident” was it?
Chris: A severe one.
9thGradeSk8terBoi: I used to look like Ashley Parker Angel!
NaughtyGirlHotStuff: I’ve been told I look like Jessica Alba.
Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] You know what? My son loves her!
NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ silently ] Yes!
[ suddenly, a police officer enters the room, knocking on the door forcefully after he’s already entered ]
Police Officer: Excuse me!
[ as if on cue, the older male students quickly scoop up their laptops and rush out of the classroom, offering phony excuses like “I think I left the lights on in my car!” ]
Teacher: How can I help you?
Police Officer: Well, I’m gonna teach a community policing class. do you know where Room 904 is?
Teacher: Yeah, down the hall.
Police Officer: Alright, thanks a lot! [ exits classroom ]
[ the Teacher looks at what’s left of his class – the soccer mom and 9thGradeSk8terBoi leaning against the back wall attempting to hide behind a potted plant he holds in front of his face ]
Teacher: You should probably tell your daughter to stay off the internet.
Soccer Mom: Yeah. That’s a – that’s a good idea.
[ zoom out, fade ]