SNL Transcripts: Julia Louis-Dreyfus: 05/13/06: MySpace Seminar


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 18

05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

MySpace Seminar

Teacher…..Andy Samberg
Soccer Mom…..Julia Louis Dreyfus
Chadster1991…..Seth Meyers
Bill…..Bill Hader
9thGradeSk8terBoi…..Horatio Sanz
NaughtyGirlHotStuff…..Will Forte
Jason…..Jason Sudeikis
Chris…..Chris Parnell
Police Officer…..Finesse Mitchell

[ open on exterior, The Learning Annex ] [ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Teacher addresses his class in a close-up ]

Teacher: What’s up, everybody? I am pumped to welcome you to the Learning Annex’s MySpace and You seminar. Today we’re going to help you guys set up a MySpace page, so you an communicate with mroe than 6 million young people currently in the MySpace community. Okay, let’s get started. [ squints his eyes ] You know, this is a slightly older group than I was expecting.

[ show the class, a soccer mom surrounded by a group of sleazy-looking adult men ]

Soccer Mom: [ looks around, giggles ] Uh – well, I admit i’m not here to start my own MySpace page, but my daughter is spending all of her time on it, so I thought I should see what all this hullabaloo is about!

Teacher: Okay. And the rest of you?

Chadster1991: ..What she said?

Other Men: Yeah – yeah – what the lady said – that’s it!

Teacher: Fair enough. Uh – now, the first step in creating your MySpace page is to fill out your profile – things like your name, sex, and age.

Bill: Now, with the age thing – could my, uh, “child” put a different age than his actual age.

Teacher: Yeah, I guess he could.

Bill: MySpace doesn’t have a way to police that?

Teacher: Not really.

Bill: So, if my “son” was.. forty-five.. he could say he was fifteen?

Teacher: Your son is forty-five?

Bill: I said, if he was forty-five. It’s hypothetical.

Teacher: Well, yeah, technically he could say any age he wanted. But why would he do that?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: Well, sometimes people from one age group feel more comfortable around people of another age group. Um – maybe he wants to put what age his soul is, and.. not what age he actually is.

[ the other men agree with his valid point ]

Soccer Mom: Well, um, I am always worried that my daughter and her friends are putting older ages – you know, so they could seem more mature. Do you gentlemen have the same worries with your kids?

[all the men stare at the women, until finally one of them hesitantly speaks up ]

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: Y-yes?

Teacher: Alright, you can also fill in things like your taste in music or your favorite movies. This way, you can meet people with similar tastes.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Oh! My goodness! This music my daughter listens to – I don’t know how she listens to it! It must be a generational thing.

Chadster1991: Uh, I have a question.

Teacher: Yeah, go ahead.

Chadster1991: What kind of music does your daughter listen to?

Soccer Mom: Oh, uh, let’s see, what does she – oh, she listens to a lot of this band called.. Fall Out Boy.

[ all the men simultaneously type the information into their laptop computers ]

Teacher: Okay, uh – now, let’s move on —

Jason: I’m sorry – real quick. Is “Fall Out Boy” one, two, or three words?

Soccer Mom: Oh. I don’t know. [ laughs ]

Bill: I found it! It’s three words!

[ all the men simultaneously type this new information into their laptop computers ]

Teacher: Another fun part of MySpace is picking out a screen name. One common approach is to use some variation of your name and the year that you were born. So, for instance, mine is: DJDanny1979. It’s a good way to give people a little more info on who you are.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] Well, I don’t want to “date” myself, fellas, but.. you can call me Nancy1966!

Teacher: Nice work. Alright. Let’s see what else we got here. [ walks over to Chadster1991 ] Chadster1991?

Chadster1991: One-thousand nine-hundred ninety-one is my favorite number.

Teacher: Okay, well, Chad —

Chadster1991: My name is Larry.

Teacher: Okay, Larry. Well, if you put 1991 on there, it might make people think you’re 15.

Chadster1991: Well, that’s a risk I’m trying to take. I really like the number.

Teacher: Okay. And, what else we got? How about over here? [ walks over to 9thGradeSk8terBoi ] 9thGradeSk8terBoi.

9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ uncomfortably ] Sk8terBoi was my fraternity nickname.

Teacher: Spelled like the Avril Lavigne song?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: Yeah.

Teacher: And why does it say 9thGrade if it was a fraternity nickname?

9thGradeSk8terBoi: [ struggling for a lie ] Um.. because, uh.. I went to college early.. like uh.. Doogie Howser!

Teacher: Okay. Alright. And what do we got over here? [ approaches NaughtyGirlHotStuff ] NaughtyGirlHotStuff. You know, I don’t even want to hear your explanations, but – you should know you’re gonna get a lot of teenaged boys wanting to meet you.

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ feigning shock and disdain ] Oh, no.. I don’t want that! Why would I want that? Let me just change that. [ mimes typing on his keyboard ]

Chadster1991: Uh – I have a question?

Teacher: Yeah.

Chadster1991: Let’s say you meet someone on MySpace, and want to arrange to meet them in person.

Teacher: Okay.

Chadster1991: Like, maybe you’re going to meet them at their house.

Teacher: What’s your question?

Chadster1991: What’s the best way to make sure that “Dateline”‘s not going to be there?

Teacher: [ returns to the front of the classroom ] Okay. Uh – I’m just going to race through the rest of this. Uh – you’re going to want to select an avatar, which is a visual representation of yourself. Most people use a picture of themselves.

Chris: Excuse me? Um – I was recently in a “car accident” that “severely” altered my appearance. Is it okay to use a picture of myself from before said “accident”?

Teacher: You can use anything you want – again, MySpace doesn’t really have a way to police that.

Chris: Ex-cellent!

Teacher: Just out of curiosity, what did you look like before your accident?

Chris: Chad Michael Murray.

Teacher: [ skeptical ] You looked like Chad Michael Murray?

Chris: Before the “accident”, yes, much exactly like Chad Michael Murray.

Teacher: And what kind of “accident” was it?

Chris: A severe one.

9thGradeSk8terBoi: I used to look like Ashley Parker Angel!

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: I’ve been told I look like Jessica Alba.

Soccer Mom: [ laughs ] You know what? My son loves her!

NaughtyGirlHotStuff: [ silently ] Yes!

[ suddenly, a police officer enters the room, knocking on the door forcefully after he’s already entered ]

Police Officer: Excuse me!

[ as if on cue, the older male students quickly scoop up their laptops and rush out of the classroom, offering phony excuses like “I think I left the lights on in my car!” ]

Teacher: How can I help you?

Police Officer: Well, I’m gonna teach a community policing class. do you know where Room 904 is?

Teacher: Yeah, down the hall.

Police Officer: Alright, thanks a lot! [ exits classroom ] [ the Teacher looks at what’s left of his class – the soccer mom and 9thGradeSk8terBoi leaning against the back wall attempting to hide behind a potted plant he holds in front of his face ]

Teacher: You should probably tell your daughter to stay off the internet.

Soccer Mom: Yeah. That’s a – that’s a good idea.

[ zoom out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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