Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
An SNL Digital Short
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [dissolve to a closeup of Andy standing against a brick building.]
Andy: [panting] I’m gonna DO it! I’m gonna jump!![CUT to Will Forte speaking up at him through a bullhorn. Soft, melodramatic music rises in the background.]
Will: [amplified] Sir, come on. You don’t want to do this.
Andy: Yes, I do! I’m gonna do it! I have nothing left to live for!
Will: Come on, think about all the people who care about you.
Andy: Nobody cares about me! None of these people–they just wanna see the freak jump!
Will: Sir, come on. You know that’s not true–
Andy: You don’t understand!
Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, come on![Andy backs up against the building again.]
Will: Whatever it is, we can talk about it!
Andy: I love her, man! She broke my heart!
Will: No one person is worth taking your life.
Andy: She was!
Will: Just relax.
Andy: I’m done relaxing!
Will: NO, don’t DO it!!
Andy: No, run away!!
Will: Don’t do it!
Andy: I’m gonna jump![CUT abruptly to a wide shot of Will and Andy right next to each other on the sidewalk outside the building. Will kneels and continues shouting into his bullhorn just inches in front of Andy’s face.]
Will: [echoing] Think about it! Do you realize what you’re doing? You don’t want to do this! You do NOT want to DO this!
Andy: [distantly] I do, I do!
Announcer: Through good times and bad.[CUT to a slide showing a peyote flower. The caption above reads “PEYOTE,” and the caption below reads, “Paid for by The United Peyote Growers Association.” Will’s and Andy’s voices are heard faintly in the background.]
Announcer: Peyote.[FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean