SNL Transcripts: Julia Louis-Dreyfus: 05/13/06: An SNL Digital Short



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18



05r: Julia Louis-Dreyfus / Paul Simon

An SNL Digital Short

…..Andy Samberg
…..Will Forte

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [dissolve to a closeup of Andy standing against a brick building.]

Andy: [panting] I’m gonna DO it! I’m gonna jump!!

[CUT to Will Forte speaking up at him through a bullhorn. Soft, melodramatic music rises in the background.]

Will: [amplified] Sir, come on. You don’t want to do this.

Andy: Yes, I do! I’m gonna do it! I have nothing left to live for!

Will: Come on, think about all the people who care about you.

Andy: Nobody cares about me! None of these people–they just wanna see the freak jump!

Will: Sir, come on. You know that’s not true–

Andy: You don’t understand!

[Andy totters forward and looks about to fall.]

Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, come on!

[Andy backs up against the building again.]

Will: Whatever it is, we can talk about it!

Andy: I love her, man! She broke my heart!

Will: No one person is worth taking your life.

Andy: She was!

Will: Just relax.

Andy: I’m done relaxing!

Will: NO, don’t DO it!!

Andy: No, run away!!

Will: Don’t do it!

Andy: I’m gonna jump!

[CUT abruptly to a wide shot of Will and Andy right next to each other on the sidewalk outside the building. Will kneels and continues shouting into his bullhorn just inches in front of Andy’s face.]

Will: [echoing] Think about it! Do you realize what you’re doing? You don’t want to do this! You do NOT want to DO this!

Andy: [distantly] I do, I do!

[A lone pedestrian, played by Jorma Taccone, walks by and throws them a casual look as they keep shouting.]

Announcer: Through good times and bad.

[CUT to a slide showing a peyote flower. The caption above reads “PEYOTE,” and the caption below reads, “Paid for by The United Peyote Growers Association.” Will’s and Andy’s voices are heard faintly in the background.]

Announcer: Peyote.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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