SNL Transcripts: Kevin Spacey: 05/20/06: Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 31: Episode 18



05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado

Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Detective Kelly…..Kevin Spacey
Mr. Jenkins…..Chris Parnell
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig

[FADE IN on a slide which looks like police tape with title captions on it.]

Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene.”

[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]

Detective Kelly: Well, don’t worry, Mr. Jenkins – we’ll get your car back. Luckily, we’ve got two witnesses here who saw the guy that stole your car.

Mr. Samson: Thank you for your help, Detective.

Detective Kelly: Oh, no problem. Officer Samson will drive you home now.

[ the two men part ways, as Detective Kelly steps over toward the Two A-Holes ]

Detective Kelly: Hello there. I’m Detective Kelly. Thanks for sticking around. This shouldn’t take too long.

Male A-Hole: You really a cop?

Detective Kelly: Yes, sir.

Female A-Hole: [ focused on a handheld electronic device ] Then, where’s your outfit?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, where’s your hat?

Detective Kelly: Well, I don’t wear a uniform. I’m a detective, see? You mind if I ask you a few questions?

Male A-Hole: [ to his wife ] You mind, babe?

Female A-Hole: I don’t care.

Male A-Hole: We don’t care.

Detective Kelly: Alright. Well, why don’t you tell me exactly what you saw.

Male A-Hole: What’d you see, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her hair ] What?

Male A-Hole: The crime.

Female A-Hole: The what?

Male A-Hole: The crime!

Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can I have one of your doughnuts?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take one with sprinkles.

Detective Kelly: [ remains stone-faced for a moment ] I don’t have any doughnuts.

Male A-Hole: He ate ’em all, babe.

Detective Kelly: I didn’t eat them! I’m sorry! Did you see the car get stolen, or not?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, some guy took it.

Detective Kelly: Great! Was he alone?

Male A-Hole: Was he alone, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her fingernails ] ..Yeah.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, he was alone.

Detective Kelly: Okay now – did you get a good look at the perpetrator.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I saw him, I saw him. Yeah. [ to his wife ] you see the perpetrator, babe? [ she stares at him for a beat without saying a word ] you saw the perp, right, babe? [ she again looks at him without saying a word, as the stone-faced Detective Kelly watches helplessly ] Babe? Perp? [ more responseless stares ] Perp, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ greatly annoyed ] Yah!

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we saw him.

Detective Kelly: Great. What did he look like?

Male A-Hole: What’d he look like, babe?

Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can you make copies of my keys?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re going out of town tomorrow.

Detective Kelly: I’m not a locksmith. I can’t make copies of your keys! Just describe the guy, then you can go about your business!

Female A-Hole: I want to wait ’til the news gets here.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna wait for the news

Detective Kelly: Look! It’s a stolen vehicle, ma’am. It doesn’t make the news!

Female A-Hole: It would if a baby stole it.

[ Male A-Hole points proudly at his wife ]

Detective Kelly: Look! You two are the only witnesses that we have, so I’d really appreciate a little help!

Female A-Hole: I remember.

Male A-Hole: Hey, buddy – we got it.

Detective Kelly: Great. So what did he look like?

Female A-Hole: He looked like Jesus.

Male A-Hole: You, uh – you know what Jesus looks like?

Detective Kelly: Yes, I know what Jesus looks like! So, you’re saying he had long hair and a beard? [ begins to write the description in his notepad ] [ Female a-Hole shakes her head lightly ]

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s shaking her head.

Detective Kelly: Yeah, I can see that.

Male A-Hole: Uh-huh. That means “no.”

Detective Kelly: Yeah! I went to school, I know what it means! so, then why did he look like Jesus?

Female A-Hole: He was wearing sandals.

Male A-Hole: [ nods in agreement ] Like Jesus.

Female A-Hole: They were ugly.

Detective Kelly: Could you see his face?

Male A-Hole: You see his face, babe?

Female A-Hole: Yeah.

Detective Kelly: So.. what.. did.. he.. look like?

Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.

Detective Kelly: He looked.. like a rabbit? What the hell does that mean?

Female A-Hole: Can we get the reward now?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, when do we get paid?

Detective Kelly: You don’t get a reward.

Male A-Hole: Alright, we don’t get paid tonight, babe! [ to Detective Kelly ] It probably comes in the mail, right? Cashier’s check?

Detective Kelly: No! There’s no cashier’s check!

Male A-Hole: Oh, right, right, right – it’s all direct deposit now, huh?

Detective Kelly: No! No, no! There’s no reward!

Male A-Hole: Oh? ‘Cause you gotta catch him first?

Detective Kelly: NO! NO! There’s no reward!! SHUT UP!! Now, you either start answering my questions, or I’ll arrest the two of you for obstruction of justice!

Female A-Hole: Do you know Inspector Gadget?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, what’s his deal?

Detective Kelly: [ exasperated ] That’s it! You’re coming with me!

Male A-Hole: He’s driving us home, babe.

Detective Kelly: No! I am not driving you home!

Female A-Hole: Can we stop for a Spray Tan?

Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s wearing a skirt tonight.

Detective Kelly: Alright, enough!! [ his cell phone rings; he answers it ] Yeah! What? You did? Great. Thanks! [ hangs up ] Well, they caught the guy – looks like you two lucked out. I gotta go interrogate Jesus the Rabbit. [ storms away from the two A-Holes ]

Female A-Hole: [ as they walk off in the opposite direction ] He was funny.

Male A-Hole: Yeah, he sure was.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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