Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene
Detective Kelly…..Kevin Spacey
Mr. Jenkins…..Chris Parnell
Male A-Hole…..Jason Sudeikis
Female A-Hole…..Kristen Wiig
[FADE IN on a slide which looks like police tape with title captions on it.]
Announcer: [cheerfully] And now, “Two A-Holes at a Crime Scene.”[FADE to travel agent reading a folder at his desk. He looks up to see two people walking inside.]
Detective Kelly: Well, don’t worry, Mr. Jenkins – we’ll get your car back. Luckily, we’ve got two witnesses here who saw the guy that stole your car.
Mr. Samson: Thank you for your help, Detective.
Detective Kelly: Oh, no problem. Officer Samson will drive you home now.[ the two men part ways, as Detective Kelly steps over toward the Two A-Holes ]
Detective Kelly: Hello there. I’m Detective Kelly. Thanks for sticking around. This shouldn’t take too long.
Male A-Hole: You really a cop?
Detective Kelly: Yes, sir.
Female A-Hole: [ focused on a handheld electronic device ] Then, where’s your outfit?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, where’s your hat?
Detective Kelly: Well, I don’t wear a uniform. I’m a detective, see? You mind if I ask you a few questions?
Male A-Hole: [ to his wife ] You mind, babe?
Female A-Hole: I don’t care.
Male A-Hole: We don’t care.
Detective Kelly: Alright. Well, why don’t you tell me exactly what you saw.
Male A-Hole: What’d you see, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her hair ] What?
Male A-Hole: The crime.
Female A-Hole: The what?
Male A-Hole: The crime!
Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can I have one of your doughnuts?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, I’ll take one with sprinkles.
Detective Kelly: [ remains stone-faced for a moment ] I don’t have any doughnuts.
Male A-Hole: He ate ’em all, babe.
Detective Kelly: I didn’t eat them! I’m sorry! Did you see the car get stolen, or not?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, some guy took it.
Detective Kelly: Great! Was he alone?
Male A-Hole: Was he alone, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ now busy playing with her fingernails ] ..Yeah.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, he was alone.
Detective Kelly: Okay now – did you get a good look at the perpetrator.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I saw him, I saw him. Yeah. [ to his wife ] you see the perpetrator, babe? [ she stares at him for a beat without saying a word ] you saw the perp, right, babe? [ she again looks at him without saying a word, as the stone-faced Detective Kelly watches helplessly ] Babe? Perp? [ more responseless stares ] Perp, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ greatly annoyed ] Yah!
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we saw him.
Detective Kelly: Great. What did he look like?
Male A-Hole: What’d he look like, babe?
Female A-Hole: [ to Detective Kelly ] Can you make copies of my keys?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re going out of town tomorrow.
Detective Kelly: I’m not a locksmith. I can’t make copies of your keys! Just describe the guy, then you can go about your business!
Female A-Hole: I want to wait ’til the news gets here.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, we’re gonna wait for the news
Detective Kelly: Look! It’s a stolen vehicle, ma’am. It doesn’t make the news!
Female A-Hole: It would if a baby stole it.[ Male A-Hole points proudly at his wife ]
Detective Kelly: Look! You two are the only witnesses that we have, so I’d really appreciate a little help!
Female A-Hole: I remember.
Male A-Hole: Hey, buddy – we got it.
Detective Kelly: Great. So what did he look like?
Female A-Hole: He looked like Jesus.
Male A-Hole: You, uh – you know what Jesus looks like?
Detective Kelly: Yes, I know what Jesus looks like! So, you’re saying he had long hair and a beard? [ begins to write the description in his notepad ] [ Female a-Hole shakes her head lightly ]
Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s shaking her head.
Detective Kelly: Yeah, I can see that.
Male A-Hole: Uh-huh. That means “no.”
Detective Kelly: Yeah! I went to school, I know what it means! so, then why did he look like Jesus?
Female A-Hole: He was wearing sandals.
Male A-Hole: [ nods in agreement ] Like Jesus.
Female A-Hole: They were ugly.
Detective Kelly: Could you see his face?
Male A-Hole: You see his face, babe?
Female A-Hole: Yeah.
Detective Kelly: So.. what.. did.. he.. look like?
Female A-Hole: He looked like a rabbit.
Detective Kelly: He looked.. like a rabbit? What the hell does that mean?
Female A-Hole: Can we get the reward now?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, when do we get paid?
Detective Kelly: You don’t get a reward.
Male A-Hole: Alright, we don’t get paid tonight, babe! [ to Detective Kelly ] It probably comes in the mail, right? Cashier’s check?
Detective Kelly: No! There’s no cashier’s check!
Male A-Hole: Oh, right, right, right – it’s all direct deposit now, huh?
Detective Kelly: No! No, no! There’s no reward!
Male A-Hole: Oh? ‘Cause you gotta catch him first?
Detective Kelly: NO! NO! There’s no reward!! SHUT UP!! Now, you either start answering my questions, or I’ll arrest the two of you for obstruction of justice!
Female A-Hole: Do you know Inspector Gadget?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, what’s his deal?
Detective Kelly: [ exasperated ] That’s it! You’re coming with me!
Male A-Hole: He’s driving us home, babe.
Detective Kelly: No! I am not driving you home!
Female A-Hole: Can we stop for a Spray Tan?
Male A-Hole: Yeah, she’s wearing a skirt tonight.
Detective Kelly: Alright, enough!! [ his cell phone rings; he answers it ] Yeah! What? You did? Great. Thanks! [ hangs up ] Well, they caught the guy – looks like you two lucked out. I gotta go interrogate Jesus the Rabbit. [ storms away from the two A-Holes ]
Female A-Hole: [ as they walk off in the opposite direction ] He was funny.
Male A-Hole: Yeah, he sure was.[ fade ]