SNL Transcripts: Kevin Spacey: 05/20/06: Carol!


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado


Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Jerry…..Kevin Spacey
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Waiter…..Seth Meyers

(Opens with the Buona Sera restaurant, cut to theinside of it. Jim, Amanda and Jim´s dad Jerry aresharing a table)

Jim: It´s good to see you dad.

Jerry: Well, it´s good to see too, Jim.

Amanda: You know, we´re sorry things with you andDenise didn´t work out.

Jerry: Well, you know your stepmother and I had a goodrun but people grow apart. I´m just worried at thispoint on my life I may never find true love again.

Amanda: Ohhh, don´t think that way. Love has a way ofwalking through the door when you least expect it. (Inwalks beautiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, Hey!, Hey!

Amanda: Carol!

“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky, right on, Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I´M CAROL!

(Returns to restaurant scene)

Jerry: Who is this enchanting creature?!

Jim: I don´t know anything about that but this lady´sname is Carol.

Carol: I´M CAROL!

Jerry: Well, it´s a rare pleasure to meet you Carol.

Amanda: Carol, what are you doing here?

Carol: Uhhh, I was using the bathroom while I waitedfor my takeout. This place has the cleanest restroomsin all New York. Or at least they used to. Ha! I´MCAROL!

Jerry: Well, why don´t you have a drink with us whileyou´re waiting?

Carol: Don´t mind if I do. Excuse me! (Pushes guy nextto them on his ass and takes his chair, joins thetable)

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?

Carol: I´ll have a Dunkin Donuts choconillafrapuccino.

Waiter: Well ma´am as I explained to you several timesthrough the bathroom door. You can only get that drinkat Dunkin Donuts.

Carol: Ok, how about a soup bowl full of Bailey´s andrumplemintz?

Jerry: My, my Carol that sounds delightful.

Carol: Ohhh! Who is this Armand Assante impersonator?

Jim: That´s my dad, Jerry.

Carol: He´s total DILF! (naughty laugh, Amanda tries tofigure out what DILF means-Dad I Love to F*ck)

Amanda: Oh, ok I´m gonna go freshen up in the ladie´sroom.

Carol: I wouldn´t if I were you.

Waiter: Here is your drink (brings soup bowl) and yourtake out order. (brings big brown paper bag)

Jim: Well, it was nice seeing you Carol.

Waiter: She´s not going anywhere. This is just thefirst part. (leaves)

Amanda: So Carol, Jerry is an antiques dealer.

Jerry: Yes, I think things are a lot more beautifulwhen they had a little wear and tear.

Carol: Oh, then I think I got a few body parts you´denjoy. (Kevin is about to crack up, waiter brings twomore takeout paper bags)

Jim: So…

Waiter: Halfway there. (leaves)

Carol: Thank you.

Jerry: You are an ethereal spirit Carol. You know, inall my years in the antiques business I´ve learnedthings that…well, you have to have patience.Sometimes when you want a certain piece you have towait years for the market to go down.

Carol: Well, you have to wait two minutes for me to godown. (Kevin cracks up) AAAAHHH!!! I´M CAROL!

Jerry: And I´m JEEEEERRY! Oh, Carol I feel like I´mlatched to the mast trying in vain to resist yoursiren song.

Carol: Ohhhh, you talk like Hannibal Lector.

Jerry: What can I say? I love what I do! Just lastweek I found the most amazing chest of drawers.

Jim: Wait!…let me guess Carol. You play with mychest, I´ll drop my drawers?

Jerry: Hey! I did not raise you to talk like that!There are ladies present! I apologize for my son.Anyway Carol, you were saying?

Carol: I was saying….you play with my chest, I´lldrop my drawers!

Jerry: Enchanting! (Kevin cannot contain his laughteranymore) So Carol… (fights to control laughter) tellme…a little about yourself. What do you do? (Caroltakes sip from soup bowl)

Carol: I´m a model.

Jerry: Really!?

Carol: Yeah, I´m a model for plus-sized coffins. I laythere and they take pictures for mortician´s catalogs.

Jerry: Well, that is fascinating. I´d love to seethose shots. I´d love to hear more about that. Maybeyou and I can go someplace a little quieter?

Carol: Well, I happen to know the ladies room is underrepairs. Buuut, ah, I think the men´s room isavailable. Good news! (takes out little packet) Ibrought my own Levitra!Wooooo!!! (Jerry and Carol leaveholding hands, waiter brings moving tray with six moretakeout brown paper bags)

Jim: Yeah, I think we´ll take it.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol! (Carol runs in fast grabs 3of the bags)

“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy skanky, right on Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I´M CAROL!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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