SNL Transcripts: Kevin Spacey: 05/20/06: Carol!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 31: Episode 18

05s: Kevin Spacey / Nelly Furtado


Jim…..Jason Sudeikis
Jerry…..Kevin Spacey
Amanda…..Amy Poehler
Carol…..Horatio Sanz
Waiter…..Seth Meyers

(Opens with the Buona Sera restaurant, cut to theinside of it. Jim, Amanda and Jim´s dad Jerry aresharing a table)

Jim: It´s good to see you dad.

Jerry: Well, it´s good to see too, Jim.

Amanda: You know, we´re sorry things with you andDenise didn´t work out.

Jerry: Well, you know your stepmother and I had a goodrun but people grow apart. I´m just worried at thispoint on my life I may never find true love again.

Amanda: Ohhh, don´t think that way. Love has a way ofwalking through the door when you least expect it. (Inwalks beautiful overweight blondie Carol)

Carol: Hey!, Hey!, Hey!

Amanda: Carol!

“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy, skanky, right on, Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I´M CAROL!

(Returns to restaurant scene)

Jerry: Who is this enchanting creature?!

Jim: I don´t know anything about that but this lady´sname is Carol.

Carol: I´M CAROL!

Jerry: Well, it´s a rare pleasure to meet you Carol.

Amanda: Carol, what are you doing here?

Carol: Uhhh, I was using the bathroom while I waitedfor my takeout. This place has the cleanest restroomsin all New York. Or at least they used to. Ha! I´MCAROL!

Jerry: Well, why don´t you have a drink with us whileyou´re waiting?

Carol: Don´t mind if I do. Excuse me! (Pushes guy nextto them on his ass and takes his chair, joins thetable)

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?

Carol: I´ll have a Dunkin Donuts choconillafrapuccino.

Waiter: Well ma´am as I explained to you several timesthrough the bathroom door. You can only get that drinkat Dunkin Donuts.

Carol: Ok, how about a soup bowl full of Bailey´s andrumplemintz?

Jerry: My, my Carol that sounds delightful.

Carol: Ohhh! Who is this Armand Assante impersonator?

Jim: That´s my dad, Jerry.

Carol: He´s total DILF! (naughty laugh, Amanda tries tofigure out what DILF means-Dad I Love to F*ck)

Amanda: Oh, ok I´m gonna go freshen up in the ladie´sroom.

Carol: I wouldn´t if I were you.

Waiter: Here is your drink (brings soup bowl) and yourtake out order. (brings big brown paper bag)

Jim: Well, it was nice seeing you Carol.

Waiter: She´s not going anywhere. This is just thefirst part. (leaves)

Amanda: So Carol, Jerry is an antiques dealer.

Jerry: Yes, I think things are a lot more beautifulwhen they had a little wear and tear.

Carol: Oh, then I think I got a few body parts you´denjoy. (Kevin is about to crack up, waiter brings twomore takeout paper bags)

Jim: So…

Waiter: Halfway there. (leaves)

Carol: Thank you.

Jerry: You are an ethereal spirit Carol. You know, inall my years in the antiques business I´ve learnedthings that…well, you have to have patience.Sometimes when you want a certain piece you have towait years for the market to go down.

Carol: Well, you have to wait two minutes for me to godown. (Kevin cracks up) AAAAHHH!!! I´M CAROL!

Jerry: And I´m JEEEEERRY! Oh, Carol I feel like I´mlatched to the mast trying in vain to resist yoursiren song.

Carol: Ohhhh, you talk like Hannibal Lector.

Jerry: What can I say? I love what I do! Just lastweek I found the most amazing chest of drawers.

Jim: Wait!…let me guess Carol. You play with mychest, I´ll drop my drawers?

Jerry: Hey! I did not raise you to talk like that!There are ladies present! I apologize for my son.Anyway Carol, you were saying?

Carol: I was saying….you play with my chest, I´lldrop my drawers!

Jerry: Enchanting! (Kevin cannot contain his laughteranymore) So Carol… (fights to control laughter) tellme…a little about yourself. What do you do? (Caroltakes sip from soup bowl)

Carol: I´m a model.

Jerry: Really!?

Carol: Yeah, I´m a model for plus-sized coffins. I laythere and they take pictures for mortician´s catalogs.

Jerry: Well, that is fascinating. I´d love to seethose shots. I´d love to hear more about that. Maybeyou and I can go someplace a little quieter?

Carol: Well, I happen to know the ladies room is underrepairs. Buuut, ah, I think the men´s room isavailable. Good news! (takes out little packet) Ibrought my own Levitra!Wooooo!!! (Jerry and Carol leaveholding hands, waiter brings moving tray with six moretakeout brown paper bags)

Jim: Yeah, I think we´ll take it.

Jim and Amanda: Oh, Carol! (Carol runs in fast grabs 3of the bags)

“And then there´s Carol!
(Carol´s shy smile)
And then there´s Carol!
(Carol points at herself like saying: “Who? Me?”)
Sassy, slutty, sexy skanky, right on Carol!”
(Carol dances wildly and poses)

Carol: I´M CAROL!

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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