Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 31: Episode 18
Legends of History
Lord Sarc…..Kevin Spacey
Baroness von Wilkie…..Chris Parnell
[FADE IN on the History Channel logo and the caption, “LEGENDS of HISTORY.” FADE to the host sitting in an elegant study.]
Host: The Middle Ages were a time of stagnation for the arts and culture. But in twelfth-century England, one man changed the art of conversation forever. The man who invented sarcasm, Philip Sarc, was the first man to say the opposite of what he meant, to emphasize a point. [laughter] Tonight we look at the life of Sarc, and the dawn of Sarcism [sic].[DISSOLVE to an engraving of Kevin Spacey smiling from beneath a medieval hat. “Philip Sarc and the Dawn of Sarcasm” is caption underneath. FADE to Lord Sarc sitting at a table in his manor and surrounded by his vassals as horn fanfare plays and then fades into soft medieval woodwind music.]
Vassal: [bringing him a wooden bowl] Lord Sarc, for tonight’s meal, the cooks have prepared a sheep’s blood pottage.
Lord Sarc: Well, well, well, sheep’s blood pottage! Was goat testicle pie not available?
Vassal: [earnestly] I don’t believe so, my lord.
Lord Sarc: Oh, I notice you have your thumb in my soup. Any chance you could dip all five fingers in there?
Vassal: Of course![He obediently sticks his fingers in the soup.]
Vassal: I’m glad you like the meal, my lord.
Lord Sarc: LIKE it? I wish I could have this every day for the rest of my life.
Vassal: Really? Then it shall be done!
Thomas: [in a dramatic voice] Let it be known, that it is decreed by his Lordship, that sheep’s blood pottage will be served henceforth each day for as long as he shall live![Lord Sarc slumps and covers his eyes with his hand during the proclamation. When it is finished, he irritably pops Thomas in the chest. DISSOLVE to a sketch of a medieval lord and his vassals.]
Host: Unfortunately, Lord Sarc’s comments were taken literally, creating much confusion. This continued in matters of love.
Vassal: [leading a woman into the room] Presenting Baroness von Wilkie.
Baroness von Wilkie: [curtsies] An honor, your liege.
Lord Sarc: [leans wearily on his hand] Wow, YOU’RE a vision. I can’t decide what I like more: your pasty skin or chinless face.
Baroness von Wilkie: Why, thank you. [giggles girlishly]
Vassal: Shall we arrange a formal courtship?
Lord Sarc: You know what, here’s a better idea. Why don’t you go out and find me the biggest, smelliest, fattest pig you can find, put it in a dress, and I’ll marry THAT!
Vassal: It shall be done.[Lord Sarc drops his head and starts beating it against the table.]
Thomas: Go out and fetch the fairest swine in the land, clothe her in the finest linens, and bring her here at once! His Lordship is to be married! HUZZAH!!
Lord Sarc: [raises his head] Oh, and… if it’s not too much trouble, do you think we could make this roof leak a little MORE?
Vassal: Why, yes, yes. we could.
Lord Sarc: That’s wonderful! Here’s an idea: maybe in the next house I have, maybe you can all go out, and you can just throw together a collection of random stone blocks in the middle of nowhere, and I’ll live there! You think you can handle THAT?!
Vassal: At once, my Lord.
Host: And so, Stonehenge was built: the first sarcastic structure in the world.[FADE to another medieval drawing of a lord in a chair.]
Host: By 1119, Lord Sarc’s comments had run their course.[FADE back to the manor.]
Thomas: And so it is decreed, that I shall walk around with my head FIRMLY up my ass, from this day forth, until I know it better–
Lord Sarc: [loses it] Okay, don’t you GET IT? Do NONE of you morons understand what I’m doing?! LOOK: I don’t really mean ANY of the things I’m SAYING!
Vassal: [dumbfounded] So I’m not the smartest man you’ve ever met?
Lord Sarc: No, you are not the smartest man I ever met–I’m saying the OPPOSITE of what I mean for EMPHASIS! For example, Thomas, when I say, “I love your lute playing,” what I really mean is I’d rather hear the pained mating cries of a jackass!
Thomas: [hurt] Ohhhhhhhh. That’s bad.
Lord Sarc: [mocking him] Nooooooo, it’s terrible, pal! And when I tell all of you what a joy it is to be in your company, what I really mean is that you all completely disgust me! Do you mouth-breathing idiots UNDERSTAND?!!
Others: [in unison] OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH… [raise their index fingers][FADE to a drawing of a man tied to a stake and being set on fire.]
Host: Philip Sarc was immediately burned at the stake.[FADE back to the host.]
Host: But his legacy lives on today in the sarcastic comments of millions around the world. Join us next week when we look at the life of Roger Prat: inventor of the pratfall. Good night.[DISSOLVE back to the History Channel logo. FADE to black over applause.] [ fade ]
Submitted by: Sean