SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found: 11/13/05


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

…..Lorne Michaels
…..Nora Dunn
…..Dana Carvey
…..Victoria Jackson
…..Danny DeVito
…..Jon Lovitz
…..Al Franken
…..A. Whitney Brown
…..Jim Belushi
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
…..Kevin Nealon
…..Billy Crystal

[ cut to The Kinks’ performance of “Do It Again”, 11/17/84 ]

The Kinks: [ singing ]“Back where you started
Here we go around again
Back where you started
C’mon, do it again.

Back where you started
Here we go around again
Day after day, I get up to the same
Do it again.”

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: I think we’ve come back to feeling that what we were doing was the show again.

[ cut to Pat Stevens interviewing Jackie Stewart (Dudley Moore) on “The Pat Stevens Show”, 01/25/86 ]

Pat Stevens: Do I detect an accent, here?

Jackie Stewart: An accent? Why, yes, certainly, I’m a Scotsman.

Pat Stevens: Oh. Which means, of course that Jackie comes from Scotland, yes.

[ cut to Candy (Jan Hooks) and Liz Sweeney (Nora Dunn) standing in a prison cell in “The Sweeney Sisters”, 12/17/88 ]

Candy Sweeney: Hi, everybody, I’m Candy Sweeney.

Liz Sweeney: And I’m Liz Sweeney. And we’re —

Together: The Sweeney Sisters!

Yeah, and it’s great to be here at Precinct 43.

It sure is.

And you guys have been so nice to us during our stay. We’d like to leave you with a little gift.

A medley of our favorite prison songs.

I don’t know about you, but after being here for a few minutes, I’ve got one thing to say:

Together: [ singing ]“Please release me, let me go!”

[ cut to Derek Stevens at the piano singing “Choppin’ Broccoli“, 10/11/86 ]

Derek Stevens: [ singing ]“She’s chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli
Chopping broccoli

She’s chopping broccoli
She’s chopping broccoli
She’s chop.. ooh!
She’s chopping broccola-ah-ie!”

[ cut to Nora Dunn ]

Nora Dunn: What I loved about “Saturday Night Live,” was that you could get yourself into so many different kinds of roles.

[ cut to the Church Lady (Dana Carvey) holding up a jack-o-lantern on “Church Chat”, 11/08/86 ]

Church Lady: What do we have here? A raging inferno of satanic hellfire. Isn’t that special?

[ cut to Nora Dunn ]

Nora Dunn: You have to come up with this little short story.

[ cut to the flexing muscles of Hans (Dana Carvey) and Franz (Kevin Nealon) on “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, ??/??/?? ]

Dana Carvey V/O: Kevin and I started just doing Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions, and started extrapolating. [ Speaking like Arnold ]


Hans: We’re back. All right. Once again, I am Hans.

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to

Together: Pump — [ they clap ] you up!

All right.

All right. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk.

[ cut to Dana Carvey ]

Dana Carvey: The thing that made us laugh the most was that they never work out. And they’re just scolding people in the audience in some sado-masochist — let me tell you something. They’re so defensive.

[ cut back to “Pumping Up With Hans & Franz”, ??/??/?? ]

Franz: A muscle is a terrible thing to waste.

Hans: Yeah.

Franz: That’s right, Hans. And, if you’re going to be a flabby-waist little girly man, maybe you should be disciplined.

Hans: Yeah, believe me now. We should take your wasted muscle —

Franz: Which is flab.

Hans: Yeah, and stretch it into a flab rope ladder so you can climb back down into the sewer you crawled out of.

A. Whitney Brown V/O: Some jokes only appealed to one out of ten people. But when that one person hears the joke and laughs, the rest of the audience starts looking for it. Then, when they look for it, they find it. And that’s what a great actor’s like. They will actually look for the joke and find it.

[ cut to Peter Graves (Phil Hartman) interviewing Dr. Charles Claproth (Jon Lovitz) on “Discover“, 02/28/87 ]

Peter Graves: This is Dr. Charles Claproth, Professor of Physics here at New York University.

Dr. Charles Claproth: [ listlessly ] Hello.

Peter Graves: Doctor, what are we looking at? [ points to a suspended model in front of them ]

Dr. Charles Claproth: Peter, this is a model of a water molecule.

Peter Graves: And what is a molecule?

Dr. Charles Claproth: A molecule is the smallest portion of asubstance which still retains the characteristics of that substance.

Peter Graves: Aaalll right, so, this model is not actual size, then?

[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]

Victoria Jackson: My first year, I was terrified of everything. By the third year, we were like a well-oiled machine.

[ cut to Victoria Jackson ripping off her blonde wig on “Weekend Update with Dennis Miller”, 02/20/88 ]

Victoria Jackson: I can’t do this stupid Victoria airhead thing anymore. I’m a serious actress, and it’s really making me sick. I mean, how long can you pound a thing into the ground? You know, what really kills me is that people buy it – the voice, the poems, go figure.

Dennis Miller: Vic, but wait.

Victoria Jackson: Shut up!

[ cut to Victoria Jackson ]

Victoria Jackson: My own Dad called me that night and said, “Vicki, that was really scary because I’ve known you you’re whole life, and I couldn’t tell which one was the real you. [ waves her arm up with a flourish ] Acting!

[ cut to Danny DeVito ]

Danny DeVito: It’s very difficult to keep a straight face on stage with most of those people, let alone hit your mark and know the lines or whatever.

[ cut to Mexican Bandit (Danny DeVito) firing shots in a saloon in “You Shot Me”, 12/03/88 ]

Victim: Ouch, ouch, ouch!

Mexican Bandit: What, what?

Victim: Oh, you shot me!

[ cut to Danny DeVito ]

Danny DeVito: There was this skit I did with Jon Lovitz, where he says, “You shot me. You shot me.”

[ cut to Victim (Jon Lovitz) lying in bed as Mexican Bandit (Danny DeVito) stands vigil in “You Shot Me”, 12/03/88 ]

Mexican Bandit: Maybe we both are at fault, Senor.

Victim: No, no, it’s all your fault. You made me dance, and then you shot me! In the foot! You shot me!

[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]

Jon Lovitz: There wasn’t any laughs except for saying, “You shot me.” So, I just started adding a bunch. And he started laughing, so then I just kept saying it. Then, I was trying to make him laugh, going “You shot me!”

[ cut back to Victim (Jon Lovitz) lying in bed as Mexican Bandit (Danny DeVito) stands vigil in “You Shot Me”, 12/03/88 ]

Mexican Bandit: I am sorry, okay?

Victim: No, it’s not okay. You shot me!

Mexican Bandit: Do you not accept my apology, Senor?

Victim: No, I don’t accept your apology!

Mexican Bandit: But you must accept it.

Victim: You shot me! You shot me!

[ cut to Danny DeVito ]

Danny DeVito: I was on the floor with the audience.

[ cut to Kathleen Fulmer (Nora Dunn) interviewing Tonto (Jon Lovitz), Tarzan (Kevin Nealon) and Frankenstein (Phil Hartman) on “Succinctly Speaking“, 12/19/87 ]

Kathleen Fulmer: Good evening and welcome to “Succinctly Speaking.” I’m Kathleen Fulmer. My guests today include Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein. All right, Tarzan, let’s start with you: Fire.

Tarzan: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: Mm-hmm. Tonto?

Tonto: Fire good.

Kathleen Fulmer: All right. Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire bad!

Kathleen Fulmer: Okay, we have a difference of opinion, and I think that’s what makes our forum work, the give and take.

Jon Lovitz V/O: And we’re doing the sketch, and all of a sudden, Phil just goes, “Ha Ha!” Just, like, out of the blue.

[ cut back to “Succinctly Speaking“, 12/19/87 ]

Frankenstein: [Growls, then breaks character and laughs] Fire bad!

[ cut to Jon Lovitz ]

Jon Lovitz: And I look at him, and then he stops. Then about 15 seconds later, he just starts laughing hysterically.

[ cut back to “Succinctly Speaking“, 12/19/87 ]

Kathleen Fulmer: Thank you. Well, that’s all the time we have. Join us next week when we’ll be talking with the cavemen from Quest For Fire.

[Phil is trying hard to hold in his laughter. He stands up and tries to stay in character as he walks to the back of the set]

Frankenstein: [Growls] Fire [laughs] bad! Fire bad! [He breaks through the back wall of the set. Tarzan jumps onto his chair, then climbs back down] [ cut to Al Franken ]

Al Franken: There are years where the performers dominate. There are years where the writers dominate. And then there are years where there are great writing staff, and great performers. And those are the years. Those are the really great years.

[ cut to A. Whitney Brown ]

A. Whitney Brown: We knew we had a good cast, and that we were going to do good shows. And that “Saturday Night Live” was back.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: There was a real intelligence to what we were doing. And I think we were all proud of what we were doing. I don’t think we ever thought, “It’s as good as what we did in the past,” because I don’t think anyone would ever speak that aloud. I can now, but I think at that time, I don’t think we would have. But I think we were quietly pleased with ourselves.

[ cut to Don Henley’s performance of “The Last Worthless Evening”, 10/28/89 ]

Don Henley: [ singing ]“Every night it’s the same old crowd, smoky rooms
Let your fate plant some love sometimes, but it never blooms
I been around this block a time or two
I’ve made some big mistakes
But, girl, I promise you I promise you.

This is the last worthless evening that you have to spend, babe
Just give me a chance to show you how to love again.”

[ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: Everything since “Saturday Night Live” has been easy. Two divorces were easier than “Saturday Night Live.”

[ cut to Dana Carvey ]

Dana Carvey: I thought my legacy would be that I was in the last cast. And they actually made me turn out the light to 8-H, and lock the door, you know?

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I mean, I really did learn an enourmous amount about how television works, how the business of show works.

[ cut to Kevin Nealon ]

Kevin Nealon: For a lot of people that was a stepping stone. For me, I thought, this is it. This is fantastic. I don’t even belong here, and I’m here.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: It’s late at night. It’s almost like, well, the network closed and these guys got a chance to put on the lights and fool around for a little while, you know?

[ cut to Nora Dunn ]

Nora Dunn: It wasn’t until I was completey finished with that that I realized, wow, that was really such a perfect job for what I loved to do. And it’s never going to happen again.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Should it exist? Was it worthwhile that it isisted? Was it just habit and familiarity? Or could there be new wine in old bottles? As they used to say. [ smiles ] [ end credits; fade ]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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