Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
[ open on 1981-82’s opening montage ]
Announcer: And now, from New York, the most dangerous city in America, it’s “Saturday Night Live.” Starring Robin Duke, Christine Ebersole —
Bob Tischler V/O: The new cast included some seasoned comedy players.
Dick Ebersol V/O: And they were largely choices influenced by John and Danny.
Bob Tischler V/O: They’d done a lot of comedy. They’d done a lot of sketch comedy. They were not intimidated by the process.
Mrs. T: Shut up, old man, shut up! Never canned ’em to the death! I canned the man! But I pity him first![ cut to Tim Kazurinsky, Eddie Murphy and Tony Rosato spraying each other with “Spray-On Laetril”, 10/17/82 ]
All: [ singing ] “The Pump!”[ cut to Father Alexander (Tim Kazurinsky) speaking with Nun (Mary Gross) in “Sarcastic Nun”, 11/12/83 ]
Father Alexander: You do want to serve God, don’t you?
Nun: Oh, no. I’m a nun. I want to worship Satan and dance naked at a black mass.[ cut to Maitre’D (Tony Rosato) checking reservation for The Whiners (Joe Piscopo, Mary Gross) in “The Whiners’ Anniversary”, 04/10/82 ]
Maitre’D: Your name is, Sir, please?
Doug & Wendy: Doug and Wendy Whinerrrr!
Marvin the Iguana: This is exciting. This place brings out the animal in me.[ cut to Mary Gross ]
Mary Gross: I’m sorry to say this, but I thought the show was a sinking ship.[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: I didn’t care what a poo the show was in. I just thought, I’m gonna go around and plug up the leaks. I want this thing to stay afloat until I get a house.[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky and a monkey at the breakfast table in “I Married A Monkey”, 04/11/81 ]
Tim: Don’t you see what I’m trying to do here? I am trying to save a marriage! I’m trying to save a family.[ cut to Mary Gross ]
Mary Gross: I think we were very lucky to come in in 1981. Because the cast that came in in 1980 had to take a lot of abuse from the critics because they were following those five golden years.[ cut to Barry Blaustein ]
Barry Blaustein: Now it’s accepted that you replace the cast of “Saturday Night Live,” and new people go on. At that time, people questioned whether the show should even continue after the original cast.
Robin Duke: There was a feeling that this was gonna be great. You know, that we were going to save the show, I guess.[ cut to Susan St. James and the cast waving their “Goodnights”, 10/10/81 ]
Susan St. James: “Saturday Night” is back! Good night, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] [ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: At that point, we went from lackadaisical and cocky to “We’ve got something here. Don’t screw this up, now.”[ cut to Andy Breckman ]
Andy Breckman: Ebersol was smart enough to know what he didn’t know. He was the only guy in the business I ever heard turn to somebody else and say, “Is that funny? I just don’t know.” He would just admit, “I don’t know.”
Neil Levy V/O: The difference was, there was hip people walking around who knew comedy and had some history.[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: Lorne said to me, “You know who you should really consider as your right arm in all this, is Michael.”
Lorne Michaels: I said to Dick, at least it will send the right signals.[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Michael O’Donoghue, the Dark Prince. Oh, my God.[ cut to George Thoroughgood & The Destroyers’ performance of “Bad to The Bone”, 10/02/82 ]
George Thoroughgood: [ singing ]“Now on the day I was born
The nurses all gathered ’round
And they gazed in wide wonder
At the joy they had found
The head nurse spoke up
Said “Leave this one alone.”
She could tell right away
That I was bad to the bone.
Bad to the bone
B-b-bad b-b-bad b-b-bad.”
???: Dick and Michael were at odds from the beginning of day one.[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: The first fight we had was over billing. Because he wanted to be called “Reich Marshall.”[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky and Mary Gross in “The Fiesta Cheese Platter”, 02/19/83 ]
Marvin the Iguana: [ on the phone ] Oh, no! No. Room Service? Yeah, we’d like to cancel the “Bavarian Pork Surprise.” [ a German marching band suddenly bursts into the room ] Cancel the “Bavarian Pork Surprise!” No!
???: Just delighted in being outrageous and upsetting people as much as he possibly could.[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: It was nuts. When I showed up to work, Michael said, “Viking death! We’re going to take this ship down.”
???: And he just wanted to make it as outrageous as possible while it was going down.[ cut to Michael O’Donoghue narrating the opening of “The Bizarro World”, 02/20/82 ]
Narrator: [ a cubed Earth spins in space ] Somewhere in space, there exists a parallel universe. Where our earthly events are duplicated. But they are duplicated backwards, for it is a reflection. Our Earth is a sphere, so the parallel Earth is, of course, a cube. This is “The Bizarro World.” But even in this strange world, there is one place so bizarre, it scares even them — [ dissolve to: ] The headquarters of “Bizarro Broadcasting Company!”[ dissolve to interior, Network President’s office, as Secretary enters ]
Secretary: Mr. President, man is here for job interview.
Network President: We too busy. Send him in! [ Writer enters ] Good-bye, good-bye.
Writer: Me want to work for “Bizarro Network.”
Network President: Ever write a script?
Network President: Ever direct a show?
Network President: Know anything at all about television?
Network President: Congratulations!
???: Dick Ebersol’s most amazing talent is he’s able to deal with the network. And he kept the network away from the show.[ cut to Bob Tischler ]
Bob Tischler: I don’t remember ever, ever having any network interference at all. You know, except for things that we couldn’t do because of censorship.[ cut to Jim Belushi in barroom men’s room, watching as Gary Kroeger stuffs toilet paper in his pants in “The Bulge”, 10/06/84 ] [ Jim Belushi follows suit, and endlessly stuffs toilet paper in his own pants ] [ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: We had a film piece. Sasaying, “you can’t do that! That’s a penis!” Ebersol went and fought for that piece. And this is the way he negotiated — “Okay, as long as it’s not smooth.”[ cut back to “The Bulge”, as Jim Belushi emerges from the men’s room with 6-foot padding in his pants ]
Jim Belushi V/O: So we had this 6-foot thing with all these bumps on it. It looked grosser than it would smooth. Ebersol had a way with the network.[ cut to Lone Justice’s performance of “Shelter”, 12/20/86 ]
Lone Justice: [ singing ]“Let me be your shelter
Shelter from the storm outside.
Let me be your shelter
Shelter From the endless tide.”
Dick Ebersol: The cast benefited on a number of levels from Eddie’s emerging stardom. I think Eddie and Joe Piscopo saved the show. I think that’s fair to say. Because the network was seriously thinking about giving it the ax.[ commercial break ]