Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: Bob Tischler and I went to Chicago later that year.[ cut to Bob Tischler ]
Bob Tischler: “Second City” was tired of having their cast taken away. So they suggested that we go around the corner to another theater.
Tim Kazurinsky V/O: The Practical Theater Company.
Bob Tischler V/O: Dick just hired the whole group.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: It was mind-blowing. Because I was a Junior in college.[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: You know, they came in all shiny and clean and spanking new, and thinking that it’s going to be like Communism. And it’s not. It’s not even Socialism. It’s — it’s Capitalism.[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]
Gary Kroeger: I don’t think I had hair under my arms, honestly. I was so immature.[ cut to cast and Louis Gossett, Jr. in “Louis Gossett, Jr.’s Monologue”, 10/02/82 ]
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Dreyfus!
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Duke!
Robin Duke: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Kroeger!
Gary Kroeger: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Pratfall!
Gary Kroeger: Sir![ Kroeger drops flat to the floor, then jumps back on his feet ]
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Hall!
Brad Hall: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Set up!
Brad Hall: Doctor, doctor! My wife just swallowed a whole bottle of aspirin! What’ll I do, Sir?
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Kroeger!
Gary Kroeger: [ nervous, sweating ] Uh — she threw up, Sir?
Louis Gossett, Jr.: No! Gross!
Mary Gross: Sir!
Louis Gossett, Jr.: Punchline!
Mary Gross: Wake her up and give her a headache, Sir!
Gary Kroeger: [ chuckles audibly, to Gossett, Jr.’s chagrin ] That’s very funny, Sir.
Julia Louis Dreyfus: I’ll tell you how we got introduced. Badly.[ cut to Robin Duke ]
Robin Duke: Oh, those poor kids.[ cut to Andrew Smith ]
Andrew Smith: Dick says, “I found the answer to our troubles and here they are, these college kids.” And he made them perform for all the staff their first day in town.[ cut to Robin Duke ]
Robin Duke: It was kinda like — I always referred to it as “The Monkey Hour.”[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: There was a lot of this, you know.
Gary Kroeger: It was us against everybody.[ cut to Gary Kroeger and Brad Hall in “Larry’s Corner”, 11/19/83 ]
Larry Rowlands: Good evening, I’m Larry Rowlands. And welcome to “Larry’s Corner.” Tonight, I’m very pleased to have as my guest, Mr. Dale Butterworth, the luckiest man on Earth. Now, tell me Mr. Butterworth —
Offscreen Voice: Look out!
Larry Rowlands: [ looking around ] What?
Dale Butterworth: [ looks up to the ceiling, panics ] Oh, my God!![ suddenly, a safe lands on Dale Butterworth’s head and knocks him to the floor, as Larry surveys the scene with a confused look on his face ]
Margaret Oberman V/O: It’s kind of like at school when the new kids come in. You’re not sure if you like ’em, or you don’t like ’em.
Julia Louis Dreyfus V/O: And by the way, people had been fired, I believe, from the show prior to our coming.[ cut to Secretary (Christine Ebersole) and aide (Brian Doyle-Murray) leaning toward an unseen President Reagan’s (Joe Piscopo) desk sometime during the 1981 season ]
Secretary: Oh, not again!
President Ronald Reagan: I’m sorry.
Sercretary: Forget it.[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: So, we were met with some, I should say, animosity.[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus approaching Mary Gross in the dressing room in “Cat Fight”, 05/05/84 ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: So, Mary — I see you’ve been sucking up to the host again, huh?
Mary Gross: [ looking away from Julia ] What’s that terrible smell? It’s like rotting meat. Somebody must have left an old baloney sandwich in a locker. [ looks up, pretends to notice Julia for the first time since she’s walked in ] Oh, hello, Julia. [ Julia makes a face ] [ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: The work that we were doing with practical theater, it was very ensemble. And it was “all for one,” kind of thing. And that really doesn’t apply. That idea didn’t apply at “SNL.”[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]
Gary Kroeger: You know, for me to get in the show, I’d have to write my own stuff. Or I’d have to sit on a writer’s couch until I was so annoying that the only way to get me out was to write something for me.[ cut to Gary Kroeger entering dressing room and sitting by Brad Hall and Julia Louis-Dreyfus in “How To Prove It’s Live”, 02/05/83 ]
Gary Kroeger: You mean, they cut the “Frontier Gynecologist” sketch? Great.[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: I didn’t know how to get writers to write for me. I didn’t know you had to get writers to write for you. That took me some time to figure out.[ cut to opening of “The Julia Show”, 02/18/84 ]
Announcer: And now, it’s time for “The Julia Show,” with your host, Julia!
Julia Louis Dreyfus: Hi! Thank you! I’m Julia, and welcome to my show, “The Julia Show.” Okay, so, let’s talk about me. Eddie? Why don’t you start?[ cut to Julia Louis Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: The way to get ahead on that show was to just really think about yourself only, and to only look out for number one. Like “Survivor.”[ cut back to “The Julia Show”, 02/18/84 ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: [ stands ] Do you think my hips are getting wide? I don’t. Nobody does! They’re not.[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: There’s no telling, there’s no rhyme or reason why it works with some people. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, people go “Elaine was on the show?”[ cut to “Saturday Night News with Brad Hall”, 11/19/83 ]
Brad Hall: And now, here with an editorial comment, is correspondent Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Julia?
Julia Louis Dreyfus: Thanks, Brad. Boy, am I mad at the way things are run around here. In dress rehearsal, this speech was four and a half minutes long. Back to you, Brad.
Brad Hall: Thank you, Julia.[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]
Margaret Oberman: It’s the same for writers. There were writers on that show who were failures and then went on to be phenomenal successes in other areas.[ cut to Andy Breckman ]
Andy Breckman: It’s so funny, the guy that only got one piece on, that year, at “Saturday Night Live” had became the gold standard for comedy writing.[ cut to Julia Louis Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis Dreyfus: I just love to think of Larry there. Larry was so unhappy. And that’s why I liked him, because we were kind of both unbelievably pissed-off together. You know, little did I know.[ cut to Johnny Cash’s performance of “Folsom Prison Blues”, 04/17/82 ]
Johnny Cash: [ singing ]“I hear the train a-comin’, it’s rollin’ around the bend
And I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when
I’m stuck in Folsom Prison and time keeps dragging on
But that train keeps a-rollin’ on down to San Antone.”
Margaret Oberman: He doesn’t get enough credit. He hired some really good people. And he sort of allowed you to be whoever you were. There were a lot of eccentrics there. How many staffs have somebody like Joe Piscopo working with Terry Southern? You know what I mean? What a combination.[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: Terry Southern ran the most wonderful wet bar out of his office, usually had incredible cocaine. But the sketches that he wrote were [ rolls his fingers next to his head ] “Woo-woo!”[ cut to Margaret Oberman ]
Margaret Oberman: Over and over again, he’d pitched some sort of a commercial thing that he wanted to do: Lillian Hellman’s mayonnaise. That was his idea of, like, “That’s going to work.”[ cut to Joe Piscopo ]
Joe Piscopo: I don’t know, but it was important to have those guys around. It was smart to have those guys around. Because, for a rookie like myself, coming up, it was great to have a guy like Terry Southern around. To have Herb Sargent around. Not to mention — you see Danny Aykroyd. Then John Belushi started hanging around. Then it was like, “Ooh. Maybe we’re doing something here.”[ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: I mean, we all wanted to be like John and Danny and Gilda and Billy. All of us. It just so happened, one of them was my brother.[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: For any of us to go into “Saturday Night Live,” following those first five years — but to go into “Saturday Night Live,” with the name “Belushi,” and having to follow John? Excuse me.[ cut to Jim Belushi as Donald Ramp in “Profiles in Sports” film, 11/10/84 ]
Announcer: For over half a century, dozens of world grand masters have come out of America’s high school chess clubs. Most of the credit for that belongs to the unsung hero of chess – the high school chess coach.[ show Chess Coach Donald Ramp yelling at his players during a match ]
Donald Ramp: Pawn to Rook 4! Pawn to Rook 4! Nooooooo!![ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: Some people resent that I wasn’t as good as John. You know? Seriously. And, my answer to that is, who is?[ cut to James Taylor’s performance of “Lonesome Road”, 01/23/88 ]
James Taylor: [ singing ]“If I had stopped to listen once or twice
If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes
If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart
I’d not be on this road tonight.”
Joe Piscopo: When Eddie left, I really didn’t wanna be around anymore.[ cut to Tim Kazurinsky ]
Tim Kazurinsky: With Eddie going, that was it. I mean, I think they just had to put the show up on blocks, and re-invent it. So, some heads had to roll.[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: So I said to Brandon Tartikoff, as the season wound down in May of ’84, that I would really like to blow up the show.[ cut to Billy Crystal assuming hosting duties for the monologue of the tenth season premiere, 10/06/84 ]
Billy Crystal: I want to welcome you to the tenth season of “Saturday Night Live.”[ cut to Jim Belushi ]
Jim Belushi: Ebersol basically pulled a Steinbrenner. He went out and bought the best comic talent out there.[ commercial break ]