SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found: 11/13/05


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

…..Billy Crystal
…..Martin Short
…..Jim Belushi
…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
…..Gary Kroeger
…..Laurie Zaks
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Dick Ebersol

[ cut to Billy Crystal entering Home Base for “Billy Crystal’s Monologue”, 10/06/84 ]

Dick Ebersol V/O: Billy Crystal had come back to host the show.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: I knew in my gut that I really wanted to do the show again. So, when Dick Ebersol said, “Is thery way that you would do this? Is there any way that you — ?” And I said, “Well –” He said, “Well, what if I got Marty Short, Chris Guest, and Harry Shearer? Would you guys all come together?” I said, “Are you kidding? I would do that in a second.”

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: Dick Ebersol said, “Here’s who we’re going after: Christopher Guest, Billy Crystal, Harry Shearer.” And I said, “Well, you know, if you get those people, let me know.”

[ cut to filmed excerpt of Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest), David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean) and Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer) from “Spinal Tap Interview”, 05/05/84 ]

Nigel Tufnel: It’s very exciting doing a live show.

David St. Hubbins: It’s a whirlwind of activity.

Nigel Tufnel: We don’t get that many calls. The last one was in ’68.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: I was 36 years old. And I’d been headlining all over the country, in clubs and stuff. But to me, it wasn’t the career or the life that I really wanted. Hahad the chance to do what I really felt I could do, what I always wanted to do.

[ cut to Harry Connick, Jr.’s performance of “It Had To Be You”, 01/13/90 ]

Harry Connick, Jr.: [ singing ]“It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around and finally found
Somebody who could make me be true
Could make me be blue
Or even be glad just to be sad thinking of you.”

[ cut to Fernando interviewing Mr. T and Hulk Hogan on “Fernando’s Hideaway”, 03/30/85 ]

Mr. T: See, my hands are deadly. I don’t want people touching my

Fernando: Well, there’s a lot of that jerpes going around. You could get that. Now, what is this contraption? What is this?

Mr. T: It used to be a parking meter.

Fernando: Is he marvelous? I tell you, you are so loquacious, it’s — I was asked — I was at a Hollywood party where this was an hors d’oeuvre. You know what I’m saying to you?

[ Mr. T and Hulk Hogan can stand it no longer, and finally crack up at Billy Crystal’s antics as Fernando ]

Fernando: Oh! [ points to Hulk Hogan’s pec muscles ] You know, when you laugh, your little things, they go bumpy, bumpy, bumpy, bumpy, bumpy.

[ Mr. T cracks up again ] [ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: It just beefed up the show. I mean, he brought in some home run hitters. And then me, Mary, Gary Kroeger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus — we became the utility players for these stars.

[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We were second string, is what we were.

[ cut to Sammy Davis, Jr. (Billy Crystal) and company on “Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad“, 04/06/85 ]

Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’m just standing here kvelling, you know? I mean that, you know? Especially on peschach. I mean, to win money for these cats that you don’t know, well, that’s exciting!

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Amen to that, sir. And, Rajeev, who’s a private detective. Do you actually carry a gun?

Rajeev Vindaloo: Well, yes, I do carry a piece, yes. I’m known to wear a disguise, though, too.

Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, that sounds intriguing! And to my left, the wondrous Captain! Welcome back!

[ cut to Jim Belushi ]

Jim Belushi: One scene that the guys let me in — “The Jackie Rogers, Jr. $100,000 Jackpot Wad.” I was — you know, Chris, Billy, Marty let me in the scene, as Captain Kangaroo. I was like, “Wow!”

[ cut back to “Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad“, 04/06/85 ] [ CLOWN ]

Captain Kangaroo: [ as the bell dings ] Okay, this is a funny guy, he wears a red nose and big shoes.

Mindy: A clown!


Captain Kangaroo: Okay. Uh.. these people work above the crowds, they swing from a bar.

Mindy: Monkeys!

Captain Kangaroo: No. They’re people. They swing from a bar, they use a net, they wear tights..

Mindy: I don’t know..!

Captain Kangaroo: Next one!


Captain Kangaroo: Okay, this man introduces all of the acts, he wears red..

Mindy: A clown!

Captain Kangaroo: [ slaps podium ] He introduces the act! “Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..” Top hat, microphone!

Mindy: I don’t know! I can’t think of anything!

Captain Kangaroo: He INTRODUCES the act!!

Mindy: I don’t know!

Captain Kangaroo: GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE!!

[ LION ]

Captain Kangaroo: Okay! It’s the King of the Jungle! It’s like a big cat! A man puts his head inside its mouth!

Mindy: I don’t know!

Captain Kangaroo: [ grabs her by the throat ] IT’S A LION, YOU MORON!! IT’S A LION!! WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!!

[ buzzer sounds ] [ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: I had done “SCTV.” Billy Crystal had his own variety show, on NBC. That summer, Harry and Christopher Guest — you could go the movie theater and see “This Is Spinal Tap.” So I think that, to be quite honest, there was not a sense of — [ mimes an excited silent scream ] [ cut to Martin Short as “Ed Grimley”, 10/06/84 ]

Ed Grimley: I get to meet Pat Sajak! Like, I suppose you could do better than that. No way! Because it seems to me that he would be a pretty decent guy, I must say. What If we became best friends — best friends in the so I would just like, phone his house up, and say, “Is Pat there? Just tell him it’s me!” Sense, now that I think of it. Like, I suppose Pat Sajak doesn’t have, like, over a million friends, probably. But then again, maybe he doesn’t. It’s difficult to say. Oh, this is completely insane!

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: Chris and I, we went to college together. We’d known each other forever. And Marty and Harry and I were already good friends, that had hung out enough to create little things, that we would bring to the show.

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: I don’t think we were interested in particularly pandering to make the whole world laugh.

[ cut to Director (Christopher Guest) helping Gerald (Harry Shearer) and Lawrence (Martin Short) with their routine in “Synchronized Swimmers“, 10/06/84 ]

Director: No, you’re not angry at him.

Gerald: No, I’m not.

Director: No, you’re just pointing at him. “Hey, you! I know you!”

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: When we would write those pieces together, we would do it to make each other laugh.

[ cut to night watchmen Willie (Billy Crystal) and Frankie (Christopher Guest) stopping for a chat while walking the halls of an office building in “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]

Willie: It’s like the other night. I’m in the attic and I got a bunch o’ mousetraps, ya know?

Frankie: Right.

Willie: And, for bait, I used a big piece of, uh–

Frankie: Camembert?

Willie: Right. So, so I set the trap, right? A-a-a-a-and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work, right? So I got the Camembert in there.

Frankie: Right.

Willie: But every time I went to taste the cheese, the thing came down right on my tongue! … I’m tellin’ ya — after forty, fifty times, I – I – I couldn’t even feel the cheese, much less taste it. Ihate when THAT happens, I’ll tell ya that.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: Chris Guest and I were playing Willie and Frankie, “I hate when that happens.” We’re night watchmen. He’ssupposed to say, “I went home and I got naked.” But instead of saying “I got naked,” he said —

[ cut back to “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]

Frankie: Then I strip down to the nude and I just ROLL back and forth across the room, ya know?

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: And I took the shot, and inside I’m going, “You son of a bitch.” Strip down to “the nude.” He made it a thing. Just saying “the” in front of it and it was “strip down to the nude.”

[ cut back to “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]

Frankie: Then I jump in a hot tub and just soak.

Frankie: Mm hmm.

Frankie: I hate that.

Billy Crystal V/O: Now, I’m weakening. I can just feel my legs buckling. And he sees me going.

[ cut back to “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]

Frankie: Eh, I’m gonna check 15.

Willie: Yeah, I’m gonna check 9.

Frankie: Okay!

[They head back up the hall, testing doorknobs as they go. Finally, they pause to give each other a friendly pat on the shoulder.]

Frankie: Good night, Willie!

[Grinning, they exchange dismissive waves and exit in opposite directions around the corners at the far end of the hallway.]

Billy Crystal V/O: We could just crack each other up, so badly. We were doing a sketch, where I played a young man who was about to take Julia out.

[ cut to Larry Pacon (Billy Crystal) picking up Sharon Allen (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) for a date and meeting her father Brad (Martin Short) in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]

Sharon: I’m going to go upstairs and get ready. I’ll be down, in just a second.

Brad Allen: Well, don’t worry about Larry, I’ll take good care of him.

[ cut to Larry and Brad Allen sitting before a roaring fire ]

Billy Crystal V/O: And Marty’s character made me sit in front of a fire, and he’d hypnotized me, and then asked me what I was going to do with his daughter.

Brad Allen: And then what?

Larry: I’m going to try and have sex stuff with her. [ Brad smacks Larry across the side of his head ] Ow!

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: And I had put on a bald cap, because I was doing five different characters in the first 40 minutes of the show that night. Well, he hits me so hard —

[ cut back to Larry and Brad Allen sitting before a roaring fire in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ] [ Brad smacks Larry so hard on the side of his head that Billy Crystal’s wig is knocked askew, much to the audience’s delight ]

Larry: Ow! [ Laughter ]

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: — that the wig gets slightly ajar. Julia comes down the stairs. And she just sort of looks at me. And she just starts laughing.

[ cut back to Larry and Brad Allen standing downstairs as Sharon returns down the stairs in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]

Sharon: Can you leave the door unlocked tonight, because I think I’m going to be out really, really late.

Brad Allen: Really late?

Billy Crystal V/O: And Marty looks at me. The audience is going nuts. The camera guys are laughing. I’m the only one who’s not in on it. And Marty walks over and —

[ Martin Short adjust Billy Crystal’s wig. A surprised Crystal laughs along ith Julia Louis-Dreyfus, they comically adjust his sweater for an extra laugh ]

Larry: Sharon will be home at 10:45.

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: And that’s when live television is absolutely at its best. You can’t — there’s nothing, there’s no moment that you can ever do on SCTV, like that moment.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: What the show brings you, is the sense of danger. What the show gives you, is the sense of freedom.

[ cut to Howard Cosell and Billy Crystal as Cosell’s parents in Howard’s Bar Mitzvah, 04/13/85 ]

Morris Cosell: Rose, I love you. I always have, and I always will. Rose — [ kisses Rose’s shoulder ]

Rose Cosell: [ Billy Crystal cracks a smile and ad-libs: ] That’s more tongue that’s on some of the plates.

[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]

Gary Kroeger: When that year was over, I remember thinking, “This is great. There’s gonna be a next year, and now I’ve got some teeth here. I’ve got my footing. I know what I’m doing.” It’s over?

[ cut to Laurie Zaks ]

Laurie Zaks: It ended very abruptly. It was just like, “Well, we’re gonna do it for this one year.” And then, everything stopped.

[ cut to Billy Crystal ]

Billy Crystal: I just loved it. I also felt like, all right, I got one under my belt. Now, I could really do something else. So I was willing to come back. Nobody else wanted to come back.

[ cut to Martin Short ]

Martin Short: I remember on my wife’s birthday, walking home at 4:00 in the morning, and going into an all-night deli and picking up this Sad little cake. I thought, this is — you can do Y year. But this doesn’t seem like a life.

[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: By that point, it had righted itself. So it was sort of a surprise, when Dick decided that he wanted to leave.

[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]

Dick Ebersol: Brandon said, “What would it take, to get you to come back and do the show?” And I said, “Well, you’re not gonna like my answer, ’cause there’s only one thing. The show has to be written in a different manner, taped during the week, and air on Saturday night. And it won’t be ‘Saturday Night Live’ anymore. And you’d be crazy to accept those terms. But I basically have to be home, to be with my family.”

[ commercial break ]

Back | Next: Lorne Michaels Returns

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x