Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found
[ cut to Billy Crystal entering Home Base for “Billy Crystal’s Monologue”, 10/06/84 ]
Dick Ebersol V/O: Billy Crystal had come back to host the show.
Billy Crystal: I knew in my gut that I really wanted to do the show again. So, when Dick Ebersol said, “Is thery way that you would do this? Is there any way that you — ?” And I said, “Well –” He said, “Well, what if I got Marty Short, Chris Guest, and Harry Shearer? Would you guys all come together?” I said, “Are you kidding? I would do that in a second.”[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: Dick Ebersol said, “Here’s who we’re going after: Christopher Guest, Billy Crystal, Harry Shearer.” And I said, “Well, you know, if you get those people, let me know.”[ cut to filmed excerpt of Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest), David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean) and Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer) from “Spinal Tap Interview”, 05/05/84 ]
Nigel Tufnel: It’s very exciting doing a live show.
David St. Hubbins: It’s a whirlwind of activity.
Nigel Tufnel: We don’t get that many calls. The last one was in ’68.[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: I was 36 years old. And I’d been headlining all over the country, in clubs and stuff. But to me, it wasn’t the career or the life that I really wanted. Hahad the chance to do what I really felt I could do, what I always wanted to do.
Harry Connick, Jr.: [ singing ]“It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around and finally found
Somebody who could make me be true
Could make me be blue
Or even be glad just to be sad thinking of you.”
Mr. T: See, my hands are deadly. I don’t want people touching my
Fernando: Well, there’s a lot of that jerpes going around. You could get that. Now, what is this contraption? What is this?
Mr. T: It used to be a parking meter.
Fernando: Is he marvelous? I tell you, you are so loquacious, it’s — I was asked — I was at a Hollywood party where this was an hors d’oeuvre. You know what I’m saying to you?[ Mr. T and Hulk Hogan can stand it no longer, and finally crack up at Billy Crystal’s antics as Fernando ]
Fernando: Oh! [ points to Hulk Hogan’s pec muscles ] You know, when you laugh, your little things, they go bumpy, bumpy, bumpy, bumpy, bumpy.
Jim Belushi: It just beefed up the show. I mean, he brought in some home run hitters. And then me, Mary, Gary Kroeger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus — we became the utility players for these stars.[ cut to Julia Louis-Dreyfus ]
Julia Louis-Dreyfus: We were second string, is what we were.[ cut to Sammy Davis, Jr. (Billy Crystal) and company on “Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad“, 04/06/85 ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: I’m just standing here kvelling, you know? I mean that, you know? Especially on peschach. I mean, to win money for these cats that you don’t know, well, that’s exciting!
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Amen to that, sir. And, Rajeev, who’s a private detective. Do you actually carry a gun?
Rajeev Vindaloo: Well, yes, I do carry a piece, yes. I’m known to wear a disguise, though, too.
Jackie Rogers, Jr.: Well, that sounds intriguing! And to my left, the wondrous Captain! Welcome back!
Jim Belushi: One scene that the guys let me in — “The Jackie Rogers, Jr. $100,000 Jackpot Wad.” I was — you know, Chris, Billy, Marty let me in the scene, as Captain Kangaroo. I was like, “Wow!”[ cut back to “Jackie Rogers Jr.’s $100,000 Jackpot Wad“, 04/06/85 ] [ CLOWN ]
Captain Kangaroo: [ as the bell dings ] Okay, this is a funny guy, he wears a red nose and big shoes.
Mindy: A clown![ TRAPEZE ARTIST ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay. Uh.. these people work above the crowds, they swing from a bar.
Captain Kangaroo: No. They’re people. They swing from a bar, they use a net, they wear tights..
Mindy: I don’t know..!
Captain Kangaroo: Next one![ RINGMASTER ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay, this man introduces all of the acts, he wears red..
Mindy: A clown!
Captain Kangaroo: [ slaps podium ] He introduces the act! “Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages..” Top hat, microphone!
Mindy: I don’t know! I can’t think of anything!
Captain Kangaroo: He INTRODUCES the act!!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: GO ON TO THE NEXT ONE!![ LION ]
Captain Kangaroo: Okay! It’s the King of the Jungle! It’s like a big cat! A man puts his head inside its mouth!
Mindy: I don’t know!
Captain Kangaroo: [ grabs her by the throat ] IT’S A LION, YOU MORON!! IT’S A LION!! WHAT THE HELL’S THE MATTER WITH YOU??!![ buzzer sounds ] [ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: I had done “SCTV.” Billy Crystal had his own variety show, on NBC. That summer, Harry and Christopher Guest — you could go the movie theater and see “This Is Spinal Tap.” So I think that, to be quite honest, there was not a sense of — [ mimes an excited silent scream ] [ cut to Martin Short as “Ed Grimley”, 10/06/84 ]
Ed Grimley: I get to meet Pat Sajak! Like, I suppose you could do better than that. No way! Because it seems to me that he would be a pretty decent guy, I must say. What If we became best friends — best friends in the so I would just like, phone his house up, and say, “Is Pat there? Just tell him it’s me!” Sense, now that I think of it. Like, I suppose Pat Sajak doesn’t have, like, over a million friends, probably. But then again, maybe he doesn’t. It’s difficult to say. Oh, this is completely insane![ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: Chris and I, we went to college together. We’d known each other forever. And Marty and Harry and I were already good friends, that had hung out enough to create little things, that we would bring to the show.[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: I don’t think we were interested in particularly pandering to make the whole world laugh.[ cut to Director (Christopher Guest) helping Gerald (Harry Shearer) and Lawrence (Martin Short) with their routine in “Synchronized Swimmers“, 10/06/84 ]
Director: No, you’re not angry at him.
Gerald: No, I’m not.
Director: No, you’re just pointing at him. “Hey, you! I know you!”[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: When we would write those pieces together, we would do it to make each other laugh.[ cut to night watchmen Willie (Billy Crystal) and Frankie (Christopher Guest) stopping for a chat while walking the halls of an office building in “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]
Willie: It’s like the other night. I’m in the attic and I got a bunch o’ mousetraps, ya know?
Willie: And, for bait, I used a big piece of, uh–
Willie: Right. So, so I set the trap, right? A-a-a-a-and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work, right? So I got the Camembert in there.
Willie: But every time I went to taste the cheese, the thing came down right on my tongue! … I’m tellin’ ya — after forty, fifty times, I – I – I couldn’t even feel the cheese, much less taste it. Ihate when THAT happens, I’ll tell ya that.
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: Chris Guest and I were playing Willie and Frankie, “I hate when that happens.” We’re night watchmen. He’ssupposed to say, “I went home and I got naked.” But instead of saying “I got naked,” he said —[ cut back to “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]
Frankie: Then I strip down to the nude and I just ROLL back and forth across the room, ya know?
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: And I took the shot, and inside I’m going, “You son of a bitch.” Strip down to “the nude.” He made it a thing. Just saying “the” in front of it and it was “strip down to the nude.”[ cut back to “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]
Frankie: Then I jump in a hot tub and just soak.
Frankie: Mm hmm.
Frankie: I hate that.
Billy Crystal V/O: Now, I’m weakening. I can just feel my legs buckling. And he sees me going.[ cut back to “Willie & Frankie“, 11/10/84 ]
Frankie: Eh, I’m gonna check 15.
Willie: Yeah, I’m gonna check 9.
Frankie: Okay![They head back up the hall, testing doorknobs as they go. Finally, they pause to give each other a friendly pat on the shoulder.]
Frankie: Good night, Willie![Grinning, they exchange dismissive waves and exit in opposite directions around the corners at the far end of the hallway.]
Billy Crystal V/O: We could just crack each other up, so badly. We were doing a sketch, where I played a young man who was about to take Julia out.[ cut to Larry Pacon (Billy Crystal) picking up Sharon Allen (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) for a date and meeting her father Brad (Martin Short) in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]
Sharon: I’m going to go upstairs and get ready. I’ll be down, in just a second.
Brad Allen: Well, don’t worry about Larry, I’ll take good care of him.[ cut to Larry and Brad Allen sitting before a roaring fire ]
Billy Crystal V/O: And Marty’s character made me sit in front of a fire, and he’d hypnotized me, and then asked me what I was going to do with his daughter.
Brad Allen: And then what?
Larry: I’m going to try and have sex stuff with her. [ Brad smacks Larry across the side of his head ] Ow!
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: And I had put on a bald cap, because I was doing five different characters in the first 40 minutes of the show that night. Well, he hits me so hard —[ cut back to Larry and Brad Allen sitting before a roaring fire in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ] [ Brad smacks Larry so hard on the side of his head that Billy Crystal’s wig is knocked askew, much to the audience’s delight ]
Larry: Ow! [ Laughter ]
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: — that the wig gets slightly ajar. Julia comes down the stairs. And she just sort of looks at me. And she just starts laughing.[ cut back to Larry and Brad Allen standing downstairs as Sharon returns down the stairs in “Fireside Hypnotism”, 01/12/85 ]
Sharon: Can you leave the door unlocked tonight, because I think I’m going to be out really, really late.
Brad Allen: Really late?
Billy Crystal V/O: And Marty looks at me. The audience is going nuts. The camera guys are laughing. I’m the only one who’s not in on it. And Marty walks over and —[ Martin Short adjust Billy Crystal’s wig. A surprised Crystal laughs along ith Julia Louis-Dreyfus, they comically adjust his sweater for an extra laugh ]
Larry: Sharon will be home at 10:45.[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: And that’s when live television is absolutely at its best. You can’t — there’s nothing, there’s no moment that you can ever do on SCTV, like that moment.[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: What the show brings you, is the sense of danger. What the show gives you, is the sense of freedom.[ cut to Howard Cosell and Billy Crystal as Cosell’s parents in Howard’s Bar Mitzvah, 04/13/85 ]
Morris Cosell: Rose, I love you. I always have, and I always will. Rose — [ kisses Rose’s shoulder ]
Rose Cosell: [ Billy Crystal cracks a smile and ad-libs: ] That’s more tongue that’s on some of the plates.[ cut to Gary Kroeger ]
Gary Kroeger: When that year was over, I remember thinking, “This is great. There’s gonna be a next year, and now I’ve got some teeth here. I’ve got my footing. I know what I’m doing.” It’s over?[ cut to Laurie Zaks ]
Laurie Zaks: It ended very abruptly. It was just like, “Well, we’re gonna do it for this one year.” And then, everything stopped.
[ cut to Billy Crystal ]
Billy Crystal: I just loved it. I also felt like, all right, I got one under my belt. Now, I could really do something else. So I was willing to come back. Nobody else wanted to come back.
[ cut to Martin Short ]
Martin Short: I remember on my wife’s birthday, walking home at 4:00 in the morning, and going into an all-night deli and picking up this Sad little cake. I thought, this is — you can do Y year. But this doesn’t seem like a life.
[ cut to Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: By that point, it had righted itself. So it was sort of a surprise, when Dick decided that he wanted to leave.
[ cut to Dick Ebersol ]
Dick Ebersol: Brandon said, “What would it take, to get you to come back and do the show?” And I said, “Well, you’re not gonna like my answer, ’cause there’s only one thing. The show has to be written in a different manner, taped during the week, and air on Saturday night. And it won’t be ‘Saturday Night Live’ anymore. And you’d be crazy to accept those terms. But I basically have to be home, to be with my family.”[ commercial break ]