Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 1
Man #1…..Will Forte
Man #2…..Andy Samberg
Man #3…..Bill Hader
Man #4…..Kenan Thompson
Man #5…..Darrell Hammond
Farrah Fawcett…..Amy Poehler
Woman #1 (Bride)…..Kristin Wiig
Woman #2…..Maya Rudolph
Man #6…..Fred Armisen
(After Farrah Fawcett inserts herself into the sketch, a graphic of a bar exterior is seen with KANSAS CITY, KANSAS, 1:50 AM)
T-Bird: You ready Deuce?
Deuce: Lets do this T-Bird.
(They turn on the lights in the bar)
T-Bird: Okay folks, bars closed, lets go, lets go!
Deuce: Lets go people, time to go, you dont have to go home, but you cannot stay here! Lets go!
(They begin taking to a group at a table)
T-Bird: All right guys, closing time, lets go. Weve got to move out.
Man #1: Can I have 5 more minutes? You just turned on the lights!
T-Bird: You just want to finish your beers?
Deuce: Right here in this bar?
Man #1: Ya, is that cool?
Deuce: Ya, thats fine, take your time!
(Deuce and T-Bird walk out)
Man #1: Its 2:00AM already, I cant believe that game went 19 innings!
(Deuce and T-Bird return with a bullhorn and a light)
Deuce: Lets go guys!
T-Bird: Come on lets go, beat it.
Man #2: Well, which one of us gets the trophy?
(Deuce breaks the trophy in half)
Deuce: There, youre both winners. (laughter) Lets go. It doesnt matter where you go, you cannot stay in this bar. Lets go!
(T-Bird and Deuce approach a man and two girls all talking)
T-Bird: Lets go, closing time!
Man #3: Were in the middle of a conversation.
T-Bird: Lets go!
Deuce: You know what, Im gonna need your keys.
Man #3: Actually, Im the designated driver.
Deuce: Ya? Well now youre the designated key finder! (laughter) Lets go!
Man #3: Woah!
T-Bird: Lets go, move it.
Deuce: Move it out, lets go, were closing! (To a table) Gotta go guys, Gotta go, now!
Man #4: I just ordered these nachos!
Deuce: Oh you want a to-go bag?
(Deuce tips table and slides food into T-Birds bag)
Deuce: There you go!
T-Bird: Lets go, how are we doing ladies?
All right finish your Jello shots and get out!
Woman #2: Its a special occasion!
Farrah Fawcett: Shes getting married, and Im Farrah Fawcett.
Bride-to-Be: Youre foxy, youre cute!
Deuce: Oh really, we are actually much cuter, outside! Lets go!
(Deuce and T-Bird pick up the bride and carry her out, as the other two ladies walk out of the bar; Deuce and T-Bird then continue to throw things away from customers sitting at the bar; they get to the end where Gary is sitting; the man is smiling, T-Bird breaks his glass, and Deuce sprays him with beer)
Gary: Same time tomorrow?
T-Bird: Ya see you tomorrow, Gary, lets go!
(laughter and applause as we FADE OUT)
Submitted by: Dirk Noel