SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Closing Time


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Closing Time

Deuce……Dane Cook
T-Bird…..Jason Sudeikis
Man #1…..Will Forte
Man #2…..Andy Samberg
Man #3…..Bill Hader
Man #4…..Kenan Thompson
Man #5…..Darrell Hammond
Farrah Fawcett…..Amy Poehler
Woman #1 (Bride)…..Kristin Wiig
Woman #2…..Maya Rudolph
Man #6…..Fred Armisen

(After Farrah Fawcett inserts herself into the sketch, a graphic of a bar exterior is seen with KANSAS CITY, KANSAS, 1:50 AM)

T-Bird: You ready Deuce?

Deuce: Let’s do this T-Bird.

(They turn on the lights in the bar)

T-Bird: Okay folks, bar’s closed, let’s go, let’s go!

Deuce: Let’s go people, time to go, you don’t have to go home, but you cannot stay here! Let’s go!


(They begin taking to a group at a table)

T-Bird: All right guys, closing time, let’s go. We’ve got to move out.

Man #1: Can I have 5 more minutes? You just turned on the lights!

T-Bird: You just want to finish your beers?

Deuce: Right here in this bar?

Man #1: Ya, is that cool?

T-Bird: Ya!

Deuce: Ya, that’s fine, take your time!

(Deuce and T-Bird walk out)

Man #1: It’s 2:00AM already, I can’t believe that game went 19 innings!

(Deuce and T-Bird return with a bullhorn and a light)

Deuce: Let’s go guys!

T-Bird: Come on let’s go, beat it.


Man #2: Well, which one of us gets the trophy?

(Deuce breaks the trophy in half)

Deuce: There, you’re both winners. (laughter) Let’s go. It doesn’t matter where you go, you cannot stay in this bar. Let’s go!

(T-Bird and Deuce approach a man and two girls all talking)

T-Bird: Let’s go, closing time!

Man #3: We’re in the middle of a conversation.

T-Bird: Let’s go!

Deuce: You know what, I’m gonna need your keys.

(light laughter)

Man #3: Actually, I’m the designated driver.

Deuce: Ya? Well now you’re the designated key finder! (laughter) Let’s go!

Man #3: Woah!

T-Bird: Let’s go, move it.

Deuce: Move it out, let’s go, we’re closing! (To a table) Gotta go guys, Gotta go, now!

Man #4: I just ordered these nachos!

Deuce: Oh you want a to-go bag?

(Deuce tips table and slides food into T-Bird’s bag)

Deuce: There you go!


T-Bird: Let’s go, how are we doing ladies?

(they cheer)

All right finish your Jello shots and get out!

Woman #2: It’s a special occasion!

Farrah Fawcett: She’s getting married, and I’m Farrah Fawcett.


Bride-to-Be: You’re foxy, you’re cute!

Deuce: Oh really, we are actually much cuter, outside! Let’s go!

(Deuce and T-Bird pick up the bride and carry her out, as the other two ladies walk out of the bar; Deuce and T-Bird then continue to throw things away from customers sitting at the bar; they get to the end where Gary is sitting; the man is smiling, T-Bird breaks his glass, and Deuce sprays him with beer)


Gary: Same time tomorrow?

T-Bird: Ya see you tomorrow, Gary, let’s go!

(laughter and applause as we FADE OUT)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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