SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Closing Time

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Closing Time

Deuce……Dane Cook
T-Bird…..Jason Sudeikis
Man #1…..Will Forte
Man #2…..Andy Samberg
Man #3…..Bill Hader
Man #4…..Kenan Thompson
Man #5…..Darrell Hammond
Farrah Fawcett…..Amy Poehler
Woman #1 (Bride)…..Kristin Wiig
Woman #2…..Maya Rudolph
Man #6…..Fred Armisen

(After Farrah Fawcett inserts herself into the sketch, a graphic of a bar exterior is seen with KANSAS CITY, KANSAS, 1:50 AM)

T-Bird: You ready Deuce?

Deuce: Let’s do this T-Bird.

(They turn on the lights in the bar)

T-Bird: Okay folks, bar’s closed, let’s go, let’s go!

Deuce: Let’s go people, time to go, you don’t have to go home, but you cannot stay here! Let’s go!

(laughter)

(They begin taking to a group at a table)

T-Bird: All right guys, closing time, let’s go. We’ve got to move out.

Man #1: Can I have 5 more minutes? You just turned on the lights!

T-Bird: You just want to finish your beers?

Deuce: Right here in this bar?

Man #1: Ya, is that cool?

T-Bird: Ya!

Deuce: Ya, that’s fine, take your time!

(Deuce and T-Bird walk out)

Man #1: It’s 2:00AM already, I can’t believe that game went 19 innings!

(Deuce and T-Bird return with a bullhorn and a light)

Deuce: Let’s go guys!

T-Bird: Come on let’s go, beat it.

(laughter)

Man #2: Well, which one of us gets the trophy?

(Deuce breaks the trophy in half)

Deuce: There, you’re both winners. (laughter) Let’s go. It doesn’t matter where you go, you cannot stay in this bar. Let’s go!

(T-Bird and Deuce approach a man and two girls all talking)

T-Bird: Let’s go, closing time!

Man #3: We’re in the middle of a conversation.

T-Bird: Let’s go!

Deuce: You know what, I’m gonna need your keys.

(light laughter)

Man #3: Actually, I’m the designated driver.

Deuce: Ya? Well now you’re the designated key finder! (laughter) Let’s go!

Man #3: Woah!

T-Bird: Let’s go, move it.

Deuce: Move it out, let’s go, we’re closing! (To a table) Gotta go guys, Gotta go, now!

Man #4: I just ordered these nachos!

Deuce: Oh you want a to-go bag?

(Deuce tips table and slides food into T-Bird’s bag)

Deuce: There you go!

(laughter)

T-Bird: Let’s go, how are we doing ladies?

(they cheer)

All right finish your Jello shots and get out!

Woman #2: It’s a special occasion!

Farrah Fawcett: She’s getting married, and I’m Farrah Fawcett.

(laughter)

Bride-to-Be: You’re foxy, you’re cute!

Deuce: Oh really, we are actually much cuter, outside! Let’s go!

(Deuce and T-Bird pick up the bride and carry her out, as the other two ladies walk out of the bar; Deuce and T-Bird then continue to throw things away from customers sitting at the bar; they get to the end where Gary is sitting; the man is smiling, T-Bird breaks his glass, and Deuce sprays him with beer)

(laughter)

Gary: Same time tomorrow?

T-Bird: Ya see you tomorrow, Gary, let’s go!

(laughter and applause as we FADE OUT)

Submitted by: Dirk Noel

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