SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Geico

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers


Eric Butler…..Andy Samberg
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on Eric Butler sitting at kitchen table with Whitney Houston ]

Announcer: Eric is a real Geico customer – not a paid celebrity. So, to help him tell his story, we paired him with Whitney Houston.

Eric Butler: I was late for my mid-terms, so, needless to say, I was kind of in a rush.

Whitney Houston: In other words.. he felt the need for speed. [ removes her dark glasses ] Like I felt the need to freebase cocaine off a hot waffle iron! But Mama don’t do that any more. [ claps hands together ] Mama is for [ hits high note ] rea-a-a-a-a-a-a-allll! Whoo!! [ holds her gaze upon Eric ]

Eric Butler: It was raining, and I started to hydroplane. I lost control of my SUV.

Whitney Houston: I lost control of my bowels! And my mind! When I passed Bobby Brown in a hot tub with three hoopty-hoopties from a Jay-Z vidja. [ does a little dance gyration with her neck ]

Eric Butler: I thought I was gonna have to postpone my exams.

Whitney Houston: That’s when I got in my SUV, threw that sukca in reverse, and drove backwards all the way to Dionne Warwick’s house! [ does her little neck dance gyration again ]

Eric Butler: Geico took care of everything immediately.. and I passed Sociology.

Whitney Houston: I passed Bobby Brown the other day! And I threw an old bag of Chicken McNuggets at his head! [ bounces her head around and sings ] “Ain’t it shockin’ what! Ain’tit shockin’ what.. love.. can do –“

Announcer: Geico. We’re wrecks.. cars.. and celebrities.

[ fade ]

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