Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 1
Eric Butler…..Andy Samberg
Whitney Houston…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: Eric is a real Geico customer – not a paid celebrity. So, to help him tell his story, we paired him with Whitney Houston.
Eric Butler: I was late for my mid-terms, so, needless to say, I was kind of in a rush.
Whitney Houston: In other words.. he felt the need for speed. [ removes her dark glasses ] Like I felt the need to freebase cocaine off a hot waffle iron! But Mama don’t do that any more. [ claps hands together ] Mama is for [ hits high note ] rea-a-a-a-a-a-a-allll! Whoo!! [ holds her gaze upon Eric ]
Eric Butler: It was raining, and I started to hydroplane. I lost control of my SUV.
Whitney Houston: I lost control of my bowels! And my mind! When I passed Bobby Brown in a hot tub with three hoopty-hoopties from a Jay-Z vidja. [ does a little dance gyration with her neck ]
Eric Butler: I thought I was gonna have to postpone my exams.
Whitney Houston: That’s when I got in my SUV, threw that sukca in reverse, and drove backwards all the way to Dionne Warwick’s house! [ does her little neck dance gyration again ]
Eric Butler: Geico took care of everything immediately.. and I passed Sociology.
Whitney Houston: I passed Bobby Brown the other day! And I threw an old bag of Chicken McNuggets at his head! [ bounces her head around and sings ] “Ain’t it shockin’ what! Ain’tit shockin’ what.. love.. can do –“
Announcer: Geico. We’re wrecks.. cars.. and celebrities.[ fade ]