SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance

Al Pacino…..Bill Hader
Sasha…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]

Announcer: And now, Wells Fargo presents: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”

[ dissolve to interior, Al Pacino pacing in his kitchen while holding a cellphone to his ear ]

Al Pacino: — Ahhh!! Here we go! [ he paces ] Balance!! [ paces some more ] Balance!! [ sways ] Checking! Alright, here we go. [ holds cellphone away from his head ] Press One for Customer Service! [ presses One, returns cellphone to his ear ] Answering!! [ connection sound clicks ] Alright!! Alright!!

Sasha: Hi, this is Wells Fargo. My name is Sasha, how can I help you today?

Al Pacino: My name is Alfredo J. Pacino, and I got some grief with my moo-lah!! Wassup with that?!!

Sasha: Well, what is the problem?

Al Pacino: The sleeping store won’t take my debit card ’cause it’s actin’ stu-pid!!

Sasha: Well, um, let me just look up your information. What is your account number?

Al Pacino: My account number? I don’t – I don’t know my account number! I want to saaaaaaayyy.. it’s got a 4 in it!

Sasha: Alright, Mr. Pacino. It appears that you have a balance of negative fourteen dollars in your checking account.

Al Pacino: Awwwwwwww.. flabbety-jab! What’s my savings look like?

Sasha: In savings, you actually have — [ checks her computer ] Twelve-point-seven million dollars.

Al Pacino: Aw, that’s good! Uh – so where do we go from here?

Sasha: Would you like me to transfer some money from your savings account? I could do that right now.

Al Pacino: Yeah, yeah, but first, let me ask you – how much would you think it’d cost to buy one of those astronaut mattresses, the kind that comes with the glass of wiiiiine on it?!

Sasha: I-I think they’re pretty expensive. [ chuckles ]

Al Pacino: Expensive? What, like twnety grand?!

Sasha: Uh – no, I would say, maybe, six-hundred dollars?

Al Pacino: Okay! [ slaps the countertop ] I need to transfer six-hundred — [ performing the math of his negative balance in his head ] and twenty dollars into my checking!

Sasha: I’d be glad to do that for you. Um, can I suggest something regarding your account?

Al Pacino: Suggest away, Wells Far-gooo! What’s up?!

Sasha: I see you have over two-hundred transfers this month, and most of them have been under fifty dollars. That’s a lot of service fees.

Al Pacino: Gosh! I’ve gotta have this mattress! When I don’t sleep, I turn into a reeeeeal sonofabitch!!

Sasha: You could transfer larger amounts, less often?

Al Pacino: Listen! where I come from, you keep twenty in your sock, and the rest under the tarp in your craaawl space!!

Sasha: I understand.

Al Pacino: So, why don’t you take six-hundred and twenty from my crawl space – and put it in my SOCK!! Wow-wee!!

Sasha: The deposit will be in your sock by midnight. [ chuckles again ] Can I help you with anything else?

Al Pacino: Sasha! [ a beat ] You are a sharp girl! Don’t ever let the boyyyyys make you feel.. less than.

Sasha: I sure won’t, Mr. Pacino.

Al Pacino: [ snaps his cellphone shut and throws it across the counter ] I’m gonna sleep like an astronaut tonight!! Oh, yeah!! Come on!! [ slinks past the counter ] Walkin’!

[ dissolve to exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]

Announcer: This has been: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”

[ fade ]

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