SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance

Al Pacino…..Bill Hader
Sasha…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]

Announcer: And now, Wells Fargo presents: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”

[ dissolve to interior, Al Pacino pacing in his kitchen while holding a cellphone to his ear ]

Al Pacino: — Ahhh!! Here we go! [ he paces ] Balance!! [ paces some more ] Balance!! [ sways ] Checking! Alright, here we go. [ holds cellphone away from his head ] Press One for Customer Service! [ presses One, returns cellphone to his ear ] Answering!! [ connection sound clicks ] Alright!! Alright!!

Sasha: Hi, this is Wells Fargo. My name is Sasha, how can I help you today?

Al Pacino: My name is Alfredo J. Pacino, and I got some grief with my moo-lah!! Wassup with that?!!

Sasha: Well, what is the problem?

Al Pacino: The sleeping store won’t take my debit card ’cause it’s actin’ stu-pid!!

Sasha: Well, um, let me just look up your information. What is your account number?

Al Pacino: My account number? I don’t – I don’t know my account number! I want to saaaaaaayyy.. it’s got a 4 in it!

Sasha: Alright, Mr. Pacino. It appears that you have a balance of negative fourteen dollars in your checking account.

Al Pacino: Awwwwwwww.. flabbety-jab! What’s my savings look like?

Sasha: In savings, you actually have — [ checks her computer ] Twelve-point-seven million dollars.

Al Pacino: Aw, that’s good! Uh – so where do we go from here?

Sasha: Would you like me to transfer some money from your savings account? I could do that right now.

Al Pacino: Yeah, yeah, but first, let me ask you – how much would you think it’d cost to buy one of those astronaut mattresses, the kind that comes with the glass of wiiiiine on it?!

Sasha: I-I think they’re pretty expensive. [ chuckles ]

Al Pacino: Expensive? What, like twnety grand?!

Sasha: Uh – no, I would say, maybe, six-hundred dollars?

Al Pacino: Okay! [ slaps the countertop ] I need to transfer six-hundred — [ performing the math of his negative balance in his head ] and twenty dollars into my checking!

Sasha: I’d be glad to do that for you. Um, can I suggest something regarding your account?

Al Pacino: Suggest away, Wells Far-gooo! What’s up?!

Sasha: I see you have over two-hundred transfers this month, and most of them have been under fifty dollars. That’s a lot of service fees.

Al Pacino: Gosh! I’ve gotta have this mattress! When I don’t sleep, I turn into a reeeeeal sonofabitch!!

Sasha: You could transfer larger amounts, less often?

Al Pacino: Listen! where I come from, you keep twenty in your sock, and the rest under the tarp in your craaawl space!!

Sasha: I understand.

Al Pacino: So, why don’t you take six-hundred and twenty from my crawl space – and put it in my SOCK!! Wow-wee!!

Sasha: The deposit will be in your sock by midnight. [ chuckles again ] Can I help you with anything else?

Al Pacino: Sasha! [ a beat ] You are a sharp girl! Don’t ever let the boyyyyys make you feel.. less than.

Sasha: I sure won’t, Mr. Pacino.

Al Pacino: [ snaps his cellphone shut and throws it across the counter ] I’m gonna sleep like an astronaut tonight!! Oh, yeah!! Come on!! [ slinks past the counter ] Walkin’!

[ dissolve to exterior, luxury apartment building, as SUPER appears ]

Announcer: This has been: “Al Pacino Checks His Bank Balance.”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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