Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 1
An SNL Digital Short: Cubicle Fight
Written by: Dane Cook and John Lutz
Boss: — I think you’re gonna be pretty happy here. We’ve got a great team, and, from everything I’ve seen, you’re gonna fit in just fine.
Gary: Oh, thank you, sir. I’m excited to get started.[ the Boss chuckles, as they stop in front of a cubicle where a peeved-looking employee named Steve sits ]
Boss: And this is gonna be your cubicle. Alright? So, just make yourself at home. If you have any questions, I’ll be down the hall.
Boss: Glad to have you. [ exits ] [ Gary and Steve size one another up ] [ cut to wide shot from behind ] [ tag: “CUBICLE FIGHT”, with fight music synthed in the background ]
Steve: [ in deep voice ] Two men enter —
Gary: [ in deep whisper ] One man leaves.[ they each let out a primal scream and lunge for one another ] [ other employees look up over the cubicles to see what’s going on ] [ Steve holds Gary down on top of the desk ] [ Gary grabs the telephone receiver and smacks Steve across the head ] [ the grab each other in a headlock ]
Boss: Hey, Steve-o?[ the music stops, as everyone looks over to see the Boss standing there ]
Boss: I’m gonna need that Higgins report on my desk by three.
Steve: You got it, Mr. Cal – sure.
Boss: Mmm-hmm. Gary? You settling in?
Gary: Oh, yes, sir![ Gary and Steve chuckle nonchalantly, as the Boss saunters away ] [ the music starts up again, as the cubicle fight continues ]
Gary: [ grabs an envelope and holds it front of Steve’s tongue ] I hate to do this to you, pal – but I really need this job! [ he slices the edge of the envelope across Steve’s tongue ] [ the other employees gasp, as Steve falls back across the desk ] [ Steve grabs a hole-punch, pulls off the bottom piece and blows the looseleaf holes in Gary’s face ] [ Gary covers his eyes, then blindly grabs for a cup of hot coffee on the desk and throws it at Steve. Steve ducks, and the hot coffee burns the face of an errant employee (Fred Armisen) instead. ] [ the music stops as the Boss re-appears ]
Boss: Oh, Gary, I forgot to mention. Uh – bathrooms, down the hall, on the, uh, left. Alright? Gotta get a key from Nancy.
Boss: [ to Steve ] And, you! Higgins report!
Steve: [ smiles ] On its way![ the Boss exits once more, as the music starts up again ] [ Gary grabs a pencil and holds it over Steve like a knife ] [ to save himself, Steve grabs an electric pencil sharpener and aims it for Gary’s pencil, which sharpens it and breaks the point ]
Andy: Steve! Take my Magic 8-Ball! [ tosses it over the cubicle wall ] [ Steve catches the Magic 8-Ball — ]
Steve: Thanks![ — and smacks Gary across the head with it ] [ Gary goes down ] [ triumphant, Steve grabs a letter opener and swings it down below the frame ] [ cut to three employees looking over the cubicle wall as a glob of blood splashes across them and hits the wall ] [ the employees are horrified, with mouths agape ] [ cut to tag: “CUBICLE FIGHT” ]
Steve V/O: Wha..? That’s — not too funny —[ fade ]