SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: An SNL Digital Short: Cubicle Fight


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

An SNL Digital Short: Cubicle Fight

Written by: Dane Cook and John Lutz

Boss…..Jason Sudeikis
Gary…..Bill Hader
Steve…..Dane Cook
Andy…..Andy Samberg

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to interior, office cubicle setting, as the Boss walks Gary, the new hire, down the cubicle corridor ]

Boss: — I think you’re gonna be pretty happy here. We’ve got a great team, and, from everything I’ve seen, you’re gonna fit in just fine.

Gary: Oh, thank you, sir. I’m excited to get started.

[ the Boss chuckles, as they stop in front of a cubicle where a peeved-looking employee named Steve sits ]

Boss: And this is gonna be your cubicle. Alright? So, just make yourself at home. If you have any questions, I’ll be down the hall.

Gary: Okay.

Boss: Glad to have you. [ exits ] [ Gary and Steve size one another up ] [ cut to wide shot from behind ] [ tag: “CUBICLE FIGHT”, with fight music synthed in the background ]

Steve: [ in deep voice ] Two men enter —

Gary: [ in deep whisper ] One man leaves.

[ they each let out a primal scream and lunge for one another ] [ other employees look up over the cubicles to see what’s going on ] [ Steve holds Gary down on top of the desk ] [ Gary grabs the telephone receiver and smacks Steve across the head ] [ the grab each other in a headlock ]

Boss: Hey, Steve-o?

[ the music stops, as everyone looks over to see the Boss standing there ]

Boss: I’m gonna need that Higgins report on my desk by three.

Steve: You got it, Mr. Cal – sure.

Boss: Mmm-hmm. Gary? You settling in?

Gary: Oh, yes, sir!

[ Gary and Steve chuckle nonchalantly, as the Boss saunters away ] [ the music starts up again, as the cubicle fight continues ]

Gary: [ grabs an envelope and holds it front of Steve’s tongue ] I hate to do this to you, pal – but I really need this job! [ he slices the edge of the envelope across Steve’s tongue ] [ the other employees gasp, as Steve falls back across the desk ] [ Steve grabs a hole-punch, pulls off the bottom piece and blows the looseleaf holes in Gary’s face ] [ Gary covers his eyes, then blindly grabs for a cup of hot coffee on the desk and throws it at Steve. Steve ducks, and the hot coffee burns the face of an errant employee (Fred Armisen) instead. ] [ the music stops as the Boss re-appears ]

Boss: Oh, Gary, I forgot to mention. Uh – bathrooms, down the hall, on the, uh, left. Alright? Gotta get a key from Nancy.

Gary: Thanks!

Boss: [ to Steve ] And, you! Higgins report!

Steve: [ smiles ] On its way!

[ the Boss exits once more, as the music starts up again ] [ Gary grabs a pencil and holds it over Steve like a knife ] [ to save himself, Steve grabs an electric pencil sharpener and aims it for Gary’s pencil, which sharpens it and breaks the point ]

Andy: Steve! Take my Magic 8-Ball! [ tosses it over the cubicle wall ] [ Steve catches the Magic 8-Ball — ]

Steve: Thanks!

[ — and smacks Gary across the head with it ] [ Gary goes down ] [ triumphant, Steve grabs a letter opener and swings it down below the frame ] [ cut to three employees looking over the cubicle wall as a glob of blood splashes across them and hits the wall ] [ the employees are horrified, with mouths agape ] [ cut to tag: “CUBICLE FIGHT” ]

Steve V/O: Wha..? That’s — not too funny —

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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