SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: An SNL Digital Short: Cubicle Fight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

An SNL Digital Short: Cubicle Fight

Written by: Dane Cook and John Lutz

Boss…..Jason Sudeikis
Gary…..Bill Hader
Steve…..Dane Cook
Andy…..Andy Samberg

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ dissolve to interior, office cubicle setting, as the Boss walks Gary, the new hire, down the cubicle corridor ]

Boss: — I think you’re gonna be pretty happy here. We’ve got a great team, and, from everything I’ve seen, you’re gonna fit in just fine.

Gary: Oh, thank you, sir. I’m excited to get started.

[ the Boss chuckles, as they stop in front of a cubicle where a peeved-looking employee named Steve sits ]

Boss: And this is gonna be your cubicle. Alright? So, just make yourself at home. If you have any questions, I’ll be down the hall.

Gary: Okay.

Boss: Glad to have you. [ exits ] [ Gary and Steve size one another up ] [ cut to wide shot from behind ] [ tag: “CUBICLE FIGHT”, with fight music synthed in the background ]

Steve: [ in deep voice ] Two men enter —

Gary: [ in deep whisper ] One man leaves.

[ they each let out a primal scream and lunge for one another ] [ other employees look up over the cubicles to see what’s going on ] [ Steve holds Gary down on top of the desk ] [ Gary grabs the telephone receiver and smacks Steve across the head ] [ the grab each other in a headlock ]

Boss: Hey, Steve-o?

[ the music stops, as everyone looks over to see the Boss standing there ]

Boss: I’m gonna need that Higgins report on my desk by three.

Steve: You got it, Mr. Cal – sure.

Boss: Mmm-hmm. Gary? You settling in?

Gary: Oh, yes, sir!

[ Gary and Steve chuckle nonchalantly, as the Boss saunters away ] [ the music starts up again, as the cubicle fight continues ]

Gary: [ grabs an envelope and holds it front of Steve’s tongue ] I hate to do this to you, pal – but I really need this job! [ he slices the edge of the envelope across Steve’s tongue ] [ the other employees gasp, as Steve falls back across the desk ] [ Steve grabs a hole-punch, pulls off the bottom piece and blows the looseleaf holes in Gary’s face ] [ Gary covers his eyes, then blindly grabs for a cup of hot coffee on the desk and throws it at Steve. Steve ducks, and the hot coffee burns the face of an errant employee (Fred Armisen) instead. ] [ the music stops as the Boss re-appears ]

Boss: Oh, Gary, I forgot to mention. Uh – bathrooms, down the hall, on the, uh, left. Alright? Gotta get a key from Nancy.

Gary: Thanks!

Boss: [ to Steve ] And, you! Higgins report!

Steve: [ smiles ] On its way!

[ the Boss exits once more, as the music starts up again ] [ Gary grabs a pencil and holds it over Steve like a knife ] [ to save himself, Steve grabs an electric pencil sharpener and aims it for Gary’s pencil, which sharpens it and breaks the point ]

Andy: Steve! Take my Magic 8-Ball! [ tosses it over the cubicle wall ] [ Steve catches the Magic 8-Ball — ]

Steve: Thanks!

[ — and smacks Gary across the head with it ] [ Gary goes down ] [ triumphant, Steve grabs a letter opener and swings it down below the frame ] [ cut to three employees looking over the cubicle wall as a glob of blood splashes across them and hits the wall ] [ the employees are horrified, with mouths agape ] [ cut to tag: “CUBICLE FIGHT” ]

Steve V/O: Wha..? That’s — not too funny —

[ fade ]

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