Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 1
Poland Spring Water
Regional Vice-President…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on interior, studio apartment, as Will and Dane sit on a futon chugging from gallon jugs of Poland Spring water. Empty gallon jugs are scattered throughout the apartment. ]
[ suddenly, a sharp knock at the door ]
Dane: Who is it?
Voice: It’s Leila Peterson, Regional Vice-President of Poland Spring Water Distribution. Can I come in?
[ the boys gulp in mid-chug, suddenly deathly afraid of the consequences of their indulgences. They look at each other with intense horror. ]
Will: Uhhhhhhhhhhh – one minute, please!
Dane: [ with lightning speed ] What do we do?! What do we do?! what are we gonna do?! what are we gonna do?!
Will: [ stammers ]
Voice: Is something wrong in there?
Dane: Uhhhhhh! N-n-no! No! I’m just — [ glances around the room ] I’m just — boning some lady.. right now!
Will: [ pleased ] Good cover! Good cover!
[ they quickly fumble about the room trying to hide their scattered gallon jugs – inside the fridge, behind a bookcase, inside kitchen cabinets, etc. ]
Will: Just a second! We’re almost there!
Dane: [ begins moaning as if having intense sex ] Ohhhhh, lady!
Will: We’re just about there!
[ they open the futon into the bed position, and cover one of the jugs with the blanket and shape it to look like a tiny person underneath ]
Dane: Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Boning a lady!
[ finished, they maintain their dignity and casually open the door to reveal Poland Spring Water’s regional vice-president ]
Regional Vice-President: This a bad time?
Dane: Uh? No. No, no. I’m just – [ motions his fist ] finishing up my bonin’! [ chuckles ]
Regional Vice-President: [ eyes Will suspiciously ]
Will: [ nervous ] I – like to watch. [ shuts the doors, then steps closer to ?? ]
Regional Vice-President: Right. Look, uh – we have received a number of complaint calls from customers on yourroutw who have not received their water. Do you guys have any idea why that might be?
[ the sound of jugs tumbling offscreen sounds momentarily ]
Regional Vice-President: Do you mind if I take a look around?
[ the boys are speechless for a moment, with mouths agape, until finally speaking up ]
[ the regional vice-president takes a couple of steps forward in the studio apartment, her eyes sizing up the perimeter before falling upon the lump on the futon ]
Dane: [ follows her gaze and nervously points to the lump ] That – was the – woman that I was – boning!
Regional Vice-President: Really.
Will: [ nervously ] I’m a witness. [ pause ] I was watching him — [ motions his fist ] do that — [ the regional vice-president barely blinks at his foolishness ] To her —
Regional Vice-President: Yeah. I got it.
Will: [ still pointing at the lump ] Woman.
Dane: [ looks at the lump ] Don’t — [ shrugs his shoulders at the regional vice-president, then leans toward the lump ] worry, baby. Some lady’s just looking around. [ pats the lump ] So – just you sleep! [ straightens out the creases over the lump, clearly identifying the shape of a 5-gallon water jug ][ rubs her hand on her forehead ] I don’t even think I need to ask this, but have you guys made all of your deliveries recently?
Dane: [ defensive ] You don’t have to ask!! [ a beat ] Because we have made all our deliveries! And! That is reflected in.. our delivery report!
Regional Vice-President: [ smiles ] Great! I’d like to take a look at those delivery reports.
[ the two guys stand motionless, stunned by her request. They nervously glance at one another, wince and shrug. ]
[ Will slowly and unassuredly walks toward the closet. He opens the door, as a wall of 5-gallon water jugs tumble toward the floor with a clatter. Many more jugs continue to fall from the ceiling inside the closet, as a panic-stricken WF stares at his bemused regional vice-president. A couple of times, it appears that the last of the jugs have fallen to the floor, only for the cycle to pick up further. After about a minute-and-a-half of this clatter, the charade appears to be over. ]
Will: [ nervously ] Do you have a search warrant?
[ not at all impressed, the regional vice-president reaches over and pulls the bedsheet, revealing the lone 5-gallon water jug resting on the futon ]
[ Dane lets out a shriek of absolute shock ]
Dane: We are just as surprised as you are! [ points at the jug ] You lied to me!! You’re not a woman!! You’re a.. watr bottle!! [ grabs for the jug and shakes it ] I will never bone you again!!
Will: I will never watch you get boned!!
Regional Vice-President: Needless to say, you both are fired. [ she turns and leaves ]
Will: [ incredulous ] What?!
[ the two guys are stunned by what just happened, and try to console one another ]
Will: There, there. She’s gone. Look – even though we lost our jobs, there is one positive thing that’s come out of this.
Dane: What’s that?
Will: Well – I have this friend who works for “Saturday Night Live”, and he loves it when I call him with different ideas that happen to me in my everyday life.
Dane: [ cheering up ] Do you mean that this —
Will: That’s right! I have a feeling he’s gonna flip over this one! He’ll probably submit it word-for-word exactly as it just happened to us!
Dane: [ excited ] Can he use F-bombs on TV?
Will: Nooo. But they can use, like, “nail” or “bone” – he’ll probably go with “bone.”
Dane: [ shakes his head ] That’s not funny at all!
Will: I think bone’s pretty funny.
Dane: Bone! Bone! Boning! Boned! [smiles ] That is pretty funny! I really hope that they use it!
Will: Well, don’t worry – if they don’t, I also have a friend over at “Studio 60.”
Dane: Yeah! I know somebody over at “30 Rock.”
Will: See? We’re all set, then.
Dane: Wait a second! If they’re gonna use this word-for-word, shouldn’t we start saying stuff that’s more interesting?
Will: Oh, don’t worry, they’re only gonna use the funny part – and that ended a looooong time ago.
[ zoom out on the set, to reveal that 5-gallon water jugs are still tumbling out of the closet ]
[ fade ]