SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Poland Spring Water


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Poland Spring Water

Dane…..Dane Cook
Will…..Will Forte
Regional Vice-President…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on interior, studio apartment, as Will and Dane sit on a futon chugging from gallon jugs of Poland Spring water. Empty gallon jugs are scattered throughout the apartment. ] [ suddenly, a sharp knock at the door ]

Dane: Who is it?

Voice: It’s Leila Peterson, Regional Vice-President of Poland Spring Water Distribution. Can I come in?

[ the boys gulp in mid-chug, suddenly deathly afraid of the consequences of their indulgences. They look at each other with intense horror. ]

Will: Uhhhhhhhhhhh – one minute, please!

Dane: [ with lightning speed ] What do we do?! What do we do?! what are we gonna do?! what are we gonna do?!

Will: [ stammers ]

Voice: Is something wrong in there?

Dane: Uhhhhhh! N-n-no! No! I’m just — [ glances around the room ] I’m just — boning some lady.. right now!

Will: [ pleased ] Good cover! Good cover!

[ they quickly fumble about the room trying to hide their scattered gallon jugs – inside the fridge, behind a bookcase, inside kitchen cabinets, etc. ]

Will: Just a second! We’re almost there!

Dane: [ begins moaning as if having intense sex ] Ohhhhh, lady!

Will: We’re just about there!

[ they open the futon into the bed position, and cover one of the jugs with the blanket and shape it to look like a tiny person underneath ]

Dane: Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Boning a lady!

[ finished, they maintain their dignity and casually open the door to reveal Poland Spring Water’s regional vice-president ]

Regional Vice-President: This a bad time?

Dane: Uh? No. No, no. I’m just – [ motions his fist ] finishing up my bonin’! [ chuckles ]

Regional Vice-President: [ eyes Will suspiciously ]

Will: [ nervous ] I – like to watch. [ shuts the doors, then steps closer to ?? ]

Regional Vice-President: Right. Look, uh – we have received a number of complaint calls from customers on yourroutw who have not received their water. Do you guys have any idea why that might be?

Will: No?

Dane: No!

[ the sound of jugs tumbling offscreen sounds momentarily ]

Regional Vice-President: Do you mind if I take a look around?

[ the boys are speechless for a moment, with mouths agape, until finally speaking up ]

Will: ..No?

Dane: Nah!

[ the regional vice-president takes a couple of steps forward in the studio apartment, her eyes sizing up the perimeter before falling upon the lump on the futon ]

Dane: [ follows her gaze and nervously points to the lump ] That – was the – woman that I was – boning!

Regional Vice-President: Really.

Will: [ nervously ] I’m a witness. [ pause ] I was watching him — [ motions his fist ] do that — [ the regional vice-president barely blinks at his foolishness ] To her —

Regional Vice-President: Yeah. I got it.

Will: [ still pointing at the lump ] Woman.

Dane: [ looks at the lump ] Don’t — [ shrugs his shoulders at the regional vice-president, then leans toward the lump ] worry, baby. Some lady’s just looking around. [ pats the lump ] So – just you sleep! [ straightens out the creases over the lump, clearly identifying the shape of a 5-gallon water jug ][ rubs her hand on her forehead ] I don’t even think I need to ask this, but have you guys made all of your deliveries recently?

Dane: [ defensive ] You don’t have to ask!! [ a beat ] Because we have made all our deliveries! And! That is reflected in.. our delivery report!

Regional Vice-President: [ smiles ] Great! I’d like to take a look at those delivery reports.

[ the two guys stand motionless, stunned by her request. They nervously glance at one another, wince and shrug. ]

Will: O-kayyyy.

[ Will slowly and unassuredly walks toward the closet. He opens the door, as a wall of 5-gallon water jugs tumble toward the floor with a clatter. Many more jugs continue to fall from the ceiling inside the closet, as a panic-stricken WF stares at his bemused regional vice-president. A couple of times, it appears that the last of the jugs have fallen to the floor, only for the cycle to pick up further. After about a minute-and-a-half of this clatter, the charade appears to be over. ]

Will: [ nervously ] Do you have a search warrant?

[ not at all impressed, the regional vice-president reaches over and pulls the bedsheet, revealing the lone 5-gallon water jug resting on the futon ] [ Dane lets out a shriek of absolute shock ]

Dane: We are just as surprised as you are! [ points at the jug ] You lied to me!! You’re not a woman!! You’re a.. watr bottle!! [ grabs for the jug and shakes it ] I will never bone you again!!

Will: I will never watch you get boned!!

Regional Vice-President: Needless to say, you both are fired. [ she turns and leaves ]

Will: [ incredulous ] What?!

Dane: No!

[ the two guys are stunned by what just happened, and try to console one another ]

Will: There, there. She’s gone. Look – even though we lost our jobs, there is one positive thing that’s come out of this.

Dane: What’s that?

Will: Well – I have this friend who works for “Saturday Night Live”, and he loves it when I call him with different ideas that happen to me in my everyday life.

Dane: [ cheering up ] Do you mean that this —

Will: That’s right! I have a feeling he’s gonna flip over this one! He’ll probably submit it word-for-word exactly as it just happened to us!

Dane: [ excited ] Can he use F-bombs on TV?

Will: Nooo. But they can use, like, “nail” or “bone” – he’ll probably go with “bone.”

Dane: [ shakes his head ] That’s not funny at all!

Will: I think bone’s pretty funny.

Dane: Bone! Bone! Boning! Boned! [smiles ] That is pretty funny! I really hope that they use it!

Will: Well, don’t worry – if they don’t, I also have a friend over at “Studio 60.”

Dane: Yeah! I know somebody over at “30 Rock.”

Will: See? We’re all set, then.

Dane: Wait a second! If they’re gonna use this word-for-word, shouldn’t we start saying stuff that’s more interesting?

Will: Oh, don’t worry, they’re only gonna use the funny part – and that ended a looooong time ago.

[ zoom out on the set, to reveal that 5-gallon water jugs are still tumbling out of the closet ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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