SNL Transcripts: Dane Cook: 09/30/06: Poland Spring Water

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 1

06a: Dane Cook / The Killers

Poland Spring Water

Dane…..Dane Cook
Will…..Will Forte
Regional Vice-President…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on interior, studio apartment, as Will and Dane sit on a futon chugging from gallon jugs of Poland Spring water. Empty gallon jugs are scattered throughout the apartment. ]

[ suddenly, a sharp knock at the door ]

Dane: Who is it?

Voice: It’s Leila Peterson, Regional Vice-President of Poland Spring Water Distribution. Can I come in?

[ the boys gulp in mid-chug, suddenly deathly afraid of the consequences of their indulgences. They look at each other with intense horror. ]

Will: Uhhhhhhhhhhh – one minute, please!

Dane: [ with lightning speed ] What do we do?! What do we do?! what are we gonna do?! what are we gonna do?!

Will: [ stammers ]

Voice: Is something wrong in there?

Dane: Uhhhhhh! N-n-no! No! I’m just — [ glances around the room ] I’m just — boning some lady.. right now!

Will: [ pleased ] Good cover! Good cover!

[ they quickly fumble about the room trying to hide their scattered gallon jugs – inside the fridge, behind a bookcase, inside kitchen cabinets, etc. ]

Will: Just a second! We’re almost there!

Dane: [ begins moaning as if having intense sex ] Ohhhhh, lady!

Will: We’re just about there!

[ they open the futon into the bed position, and cover one of the jugs with the blanket and shape it to look like a tiny person underneath ]

Dane: Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Boning a lady!

[ finished, they maintain their dignity and casually open the door to reveal Poland Spring Water’s regional vice-president ]

Regional Vice-President: This a bad time?

Dane: Uh? No. No, no. I’m just – [ motions his fist ] finishing up my bonin’! [ chuckles ]

Regional Vice-President: [ eyes Will suspiciously ]

Will: [ nervous ] I – like to watch. [ shuts the doors, then steps closer to ?? ]

Regional Vice-President: Right. Look, uh – we have received a number of complaint calls from customers on yourroutw who have not received their water. Do you guys have any idea why that might be?

Will: No?

Dane: No!

[ the sound of jugs tumbling offscreen sounds momentarily ]

Regional Vice-President: Do you mind if I take a look around?

[ the boys are speechless for a moment, with mouths agape, until finally speaking up ]

Will: ..No?

Dane: Nah!

[ the regional vice-president takes a couple of steps forward in the studio apartment, her eyes sizing up the perimeter before falling upon the lump on the futon ]

Dane: [ follows her gaze and nervously points to the lump ] That – was the – woman that I was – boning!

Regional Vice-President: Really.

Will: [ nervously ] I’m a witness. [ pause ] I was watching him — [ motions his fist ] do that — [ the regional vice-president barely blinks at his foolishness ] To her —

Regional Vice-President: Yeah. I got it.

Will: [ still pointing at the lump ] Woman.

Dane: [ looks at the lump ] Don’t — [ shrugs his shoulders at the regional vice-president, then leans toward the lump ] worry, baby. Some lady’s just looking around. [ pats the lump ] So – just you sleep! [ straightens out the creases over the lump, clearly identifying the shape of a 5-gallon water jug ][ rubs her hand on her forehead ] I don’t even think I need to ask this, but have you guys made all of your deliveries recently?

Dane: [ defensive ] You don’t have to ask!! [ a beat ] Because we have made all our deliveries! And! That is reflected in.. our delivery report!

Regional Vice-President: [ smiles ] Great! I’d like to take a look at those delivery reports.

[ the two guys stand motionless, stunned by her request. They nervously glance at one another, wince and shrug. ]

Will: O-kayyyy.

[ Will slowly and unassuredly walks toward the closet. He opens the door, as a wall of 5-gallon water jugs tumble toward the floor with a clatter. Many more jugs continue to fall from the ceiling inside the closet, as a panic-stricken WF stares at his bemused regional vice-president. A couple of times, it appears that the last of the jugs have fallen to the floor, only for the cycle to pick up further. After about a minute-and-a-half of this clatter, the charade appears to be over. ]

Will: [ nervously ] Do you have a search warrant?

[ not at all impressed, the regional vice-president reaches over and pulls the bedsheet, revealing the lone 5-gallon water jug resting on the futon ]

[ Dane lets out a shriek of absolute shock ]

Dane: We are just as surprised as you are! [ points at the jug ] You lied to me!! You’re not a woman!! You’re a.. watr bottle!! [ grabs for the jug and shakes it ] I will never bone you again!!

Will: I will never watch you get boned!!

Regional Vice-President: Needless to say, you both are fired. [ she turns and leaves ]

Will: [ incredulous ] What?!

Dane: No!

[ the two guys are stunned by what just happened, and try to console one another ]

Will: There, there. She’s gone. Look – even though we lost our jobs, there is one positive thing that’s come out of this.

Dane: What’s that?

Will: Well – I have this friend who works for “Saturday Night Live”, and he loves it when I call him with different ideas that happen to me in my everyday life.

Dane: [ cheering up ] Do you mean that this —

Will: That’s right! I have a feeling he’s gonna flip over this one! He’ll probably submit it word-for-word exactly as it just happened to us!

Dane: [ excited ] Can he use F-bombs on TV?

Will: Nooo. But they can use, like, “nail” or “bone” – he’ll probably go with “bone.”

Dane: [ shakes his head ] That’s not funny at all!

Will: I think bone’s pretty funny.

Dane: Bone! Bone! Boning! Boned! [smiles ] That is pretty funny! I really hope that they use it!

Will: Well, don’t worry – if they don’t, I also have a friend over at “Studio 60.”

Dane: Yeah! I know somebody over at “30 Rock.”

Will: See? We’re all set, then.

Dane: Wait a second! If they’re gonna use this word-for-word, shouldn’t we start saying stuff that’s more interesting?

Will: Oh, don’t worry, they’re only gonna use the funny part – and that ended a looooong time ago.

[ zoom out on the set, to reveal that 5-gallon water jugs are still tumbling out of the closet ]

[ fade ]

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