Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 2
Nancy Grace…..Amy Poehler
Eddie Hunter…..Andy Samberg
Bethany Blake…..Jaime Pressley
[Nancy sits at her desk, background of city buildings at night ]
Nancy Grace: Tonight: former Republican representative Mark Foley is now udner an investigation by the FBI, for salacious e-mails he reportedly sent to male congressional pages. This, and more, tonight on “Nancy Grace.”
[ Show’s introduction montage. Nancy snarls at the camera, Nancy crosses her arms, defiant look on her face ]
[ Caption: “Nancy Grace” ]
Nancy Grace: Good evening, I’m Nancy Grace. And, yes, I intended for my hair to be this shape. [ looks to the back of her chair ] I-I think my chair was moved. With me tonight: Eddie Hunter, a former congressional page. He’s going to help us sort out the nightmare that is the congressional page program. Welcome, Eddie.
[ show Eddie Hunter. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Ex-Rep Foley Fallout. Eddie Hunter Former Congressional Page. Nancy Grace.” ]
Eddie Hunter: Thanks, Nancy.
Nancy Grace: Eddie, how does it feel to be victimized like this?
Eddie Hunter: Uh — well, Nancy, the congressman I worked for was never inappropriate with me. I’m here tonight because I think the page program is an amazing educational experience for young people.
Nancy Grace: [ doubtful ] Never inappropriate? Let me read you a line from an e-mail you once received from your congressman:
[ show copy of the e-mail, dated Wednesday, August 31, 2005 ]
Nancy Grace: [ reading ] “Have you distributed copies of Resolution 620?”
[ show Nancy again ]
Nancy Grace: I don’t even want to guess what a 620 might mean.
Eddie Hunter: Well, actually, Resolution 620 was a House Appropriations Bill addressing highway maintenance.
Nancy Grace: Hmmmm.. so you’re saying, in a 620, the 6 isn’t Mark Foley, and you’re not the 0, and the 2 in the middle isn’t some kind of bed or swing or something like that?
Eddie Hunter: No!
Nancy Grace: Eddie, do you still live in fear that one or more members of Congress is coming to get you?
Eddie Hunter: No.
Nancy Grace: You don’t worry that a congressman might dress up like a shrub, squat outside your window, take one of the branches off the shrub costume, sharpen it to a point, cut through your window screen and come and GET YOU? And then, if you call the police, they might just be MORE congressman dressed up like police, who are working in cahoots with the one dressed up like a shru-u-u-ubb?
Eddie Hunter: I-I think it’s a mistake to assume all congressmen act like Mark Foley.
Nancy Grace: Well, oftentimes, victims like yourself will bury the pain.
Eddie Hunter: I’m not a victim, I’m not in pain.
Nancy Grace: Give it time, brave soldier. Resolution 620 – it is gro-tesque! Okay? [ looks down at her chair again ] There is no doubt in my mind that this chair has been moved! [ a beat ] Here at the show, we’ve done extensive research in which we’ve noticed that ALL these online predator cases had one thing in common: computers.
[ Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Computers: Helpful or Predatory Tools? Nancy Grace.” ]
Nancy Grace: Joining us from Microdoft is Customer Service Represenative Bethany Blake.
[ show Bethany Blake. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Computers: Helpful or Predatory Tools? Bathany Blake Microsoft Customer Service. Nancy Grace.” ]
Bethany Blake: Thank you for calling customer Support. My name is Bethany.
Nancy Grace: Bethany, how do you sleep at night, working for a company that provides the tools to the pedophilia industry?
Bethany Blake: [ confused ] I’m sorry, Ma’am. Do you have a technical issue?
Nancy Grace: I’ll tell you what I have an issue with, Bethany — your company created Windows.. and now perverts are looking through those windows at young boys. I think it’s high time for the comupter industry to start providing DRAPES! What do you think, Bethany?
Bethany Blake: [ bewildered ] I-I’m sorry.. I can help you if your screen is frozen.
Nancy Grace: Can you help me — can you help me if justice is frozen? [ Bethany shakes her head, confused ] Thanks, friend. Now, let’s get to the important issue. For those of you who have been watching the past few weeks, you know that I have been tireless in tracking down who keeps moving my chair! Joining me now, is our night janitor, Darren.
[ show Darren mopping the floor, as two technicians sit him down in a chair and attach a microphone to his lapel. Caption at the bottom of the screen: “Breaking News. Headline Prime. Who Moved My Chair? Darren Night Janitor. Nancy Grace.” ]
Nancy Grace: Darren? Darren.. could you explain to me — Darren, could you explain to me what your job entails at night?
Darren: [ surprised by the sudden interruption ] I-I clean the studio.
Nancy Grace: In your cleaning, did you ever, at any point, move this chair?
Darren: I don’t know, Nancy Grace.
Nancy Grace: But you don’t remember not moving it?
Darren: I don’t recollect moving it.
Nancy Grace: [ determined ] But you don’t recollect not moving it?
Darren: [ trembling ] I don’t know, Nancy Grace!
Nancy Grace: Darren, do you have a computer?
Darren: Yes, I do.
Nancy Grace: [ nods her head ] I thought so. It’s all coming together, isn’t it? When we come back, I’ll explain why my itnerview with Terrell Owens had nothing to do with his attempted suicide. We’ll be right back.
[ Show’s montage with Nancy snarling, crossing her arms, defiant look plays again ]
[ Cheers and Applause ]