Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 2
An Address From Dennis Hastert
Speaker Dennis Hastert…..Darrell Hammond
Blue background with the House of Representatives seal.
Announcer: The following is an address from the Speaker of the UnitedStates House of Representatives: Dennis Hastert.
INT. HASTERT’S OFFICE – EVENING
Speaker DENNIS HASTERT, in suit and tie, remains seated at his officedesk, hands folded, and nods.
SUPER: REP. DENNIS HASTERT (R) IL — SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
Dennis Hastert: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Throughout the past week, ournation’s media has been filled with sensational stories concerning acertain member of Congress – Representative Mark Foley of Florida. And hise-mail correspondence with several young men – all formal Congressionalpages. Without question, these e-mails were highly inappropriate andaccordingly, Mr. Foley has resigned his seat in Congress. Some havecriticized the way this issue was handled by House Republican leaders, butlet’s be honest, a number of individuals share some responsibility here.Former President Clinton, The Washington Post, Al-Qaeda Number Two ManAyman al-Zawahiri, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, and her daughterChelsea. There’s plenty of blame to go around.
So rather than indulge in partisan finger-pointing, let’s move on. Thathaving been said however, it would be wrong to close the books onCongressman Foley’s career without first acknowledging the singularcontribution he made during his 12 years in the House. In particular, hiswork with the Congressional Page Program. More than any other member ofCongress, Rep. Foley cared about these kids. Their interests, their plansfor the future… even the kind of underpants they wore.
For many pages, his office became a home away from home. Where theoverwhelmed, the homesick, or those insecure about their bodies were sureto find a sympathetic ear. Perhaps a shoulder to cry on or even a playfulpillow fight, followed by a soothing alcohol rub down. His genoursity waslegendary. It might be a bewildered 16-year-old living away from home forthe first time who looked like he could use some assistance putting on histrousers. Or a shy youngster unfamiliar with clothes shopping, overheardto say he needed “new swimming trunks”. Mark Foley was there to help. Andunlike most members of Congress, he didn’t wait to be asked.
But once a young man was back at home, his time as a page over, was heforgotten? Not by Mark Foley. Whether it was a high school swim meet,wrestling match or even a wrestling practice, you were sure to find himthere – video camera in hand – to lend his support. Never one to drawattention to himself, he usually did his filming while in an elaboratedisguise or sometimes from a parked car. And he sought no thanks or evenacknowledgement for his thoughtfulness. As a matter of fact, in mostcases, he didn’t even tell the young men he was filming them.
As often as not, former pages would be surprised even astonished to learnabout the hundreds and hundreds of hours of footage he had shot of them.All meticulously labeled — indexed according to hair color, body type,and style of underpant. And carefully maintained his self-storage unit insuburban Maryland. That’s the kind of guy he was.
Congressman Foley may have had his eccentricities, even his faults as dowe all, but we in the House are going to miss this man. Because now thathe is gone, there is no one in Congress quite like him… I mean maybe onthe Democratic side, definitely no Republicans. We’re absolutely certainabout that. We’ve checked. So thank you. And live from New York, it’sSaturday Night.
Submitted by: Cody Downs