Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 2
Jackie Downs…..Jaime Pressly
Metal head 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Metal head 2…..Will Forte
[Opens with the office of record executive JackieDowns. Gold and platinum records hang from the walls.Jackie sits at her desk and talks in her earpiece]
Jackie Downs: I just think the album cover is tooracy. Because she’s a role model to young girls. Fine.You want to use the one where Ashlee’s nipples areexposed, be my guest Mr.Simpson.[gets off the call.Her assistant peeks from the door]
Assistant: Jackie, your 10 o’clock is here.
Jackie Downs: Damn. I’m seeing these guys as a favorto my fanny facialist. Let them in but interrupt me in5 minutes.
Assistant: You got it, Jackie.
[In walks two moustached,long haired metal heads,dressed in 80’s metal fashion. Bandanna, hankies,leather jackets, the works. Metal head 1 is eating abanana]
Metal Head 1: So you’re the great Jackie Downs.
Jackie Downs: Yeah, and who the hell are you?
Metal Head 2: We’re your new hit record.
Jackie Downs: Great. So I hear you’re a rock band,something like Bon Jovi?
Metal Head 1: Whoa!, whoa!, whoa!
Metal Head 2: You take that back! We are nothing likeBon Jovi!
Metal Head 1: We couldn’t be further from Bon Jovi,God!
Jackie Downs: Ok, fine. What is your band’s name?
Metal Head 2: Jon Bovi.
Jackie Downs: See now, that sounds a lot like Bon Jovito me.
Metal Head 1: Yeah, well the similarities end there,Jackie Downs.
Metal Head 2: Yeah, you do not even mention Bon Joviin the same sentence as Jon Bovi. It is insulting tous and all the Bovi fans.
Jackie Downs: Look, I don’t have a lot of time.
Metal Head 1: NO!! You have all the time in theWORLD!!
Jackie Downs: Well, actually I have like 5 minutes.
Metal Head 2: Well, you’ll make 5 lifetimes for usafter you hear this…
Metal head 1 and 2: 1!!, 3!!, 4!!
Metal Head 1: Wait, hold on.
Metal Head 2: Where are we starting?
Metal Head 1: 2’s good?
Metal Head 2: Ok.
Metal Head 1: All right.
Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!![Rip-off of BonJovi’s hit “Wanted: Dead or Alive”]
Metal Head 1:[sings]Cause I’m an Indian…
Metal Head 2: India-a-a-an….
Metal Head 1: On a cotton horse I do not ride, I’munwanted…
Metal Head 2: Unwanted…
Metal head 1 and 2: Alive or dead, alive or dead,a-live or…..de-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-ad![singing stops]
Metal Head 1: Boom! Now where the “f” do we sign?!!
Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-ens!![hold upa couple of pens]
[Jackie studies them, metal heads grin like idiots]
Metal Head 1: I said, where the “f” do we sign?!!
Metal Head 2: And I said, we brought our ownpe-e-e-e-ens!!!
Jackie Downs: Guys, that song sounds exactly like BonJovi.
Metal Head 1: What?!
Metal Head 2: Uuuuh?!!
Metal Head 1: What?!
Jackie Downs: It is Bon Jovi!
Metal Head 1: Yeah, lady you’re crazy, all right. Thatsong is the exact opposite of a Bon Jovi song.
Metal Head 2: Yeah, we hate Bon Jovi. That’s exactlywhy we started Jon Bovi in the first place!
Metal Head 1: Now, where the “f” do we sign!!
Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-e-ens!!
Jackie Downs: I’m never, ever gonna sign you.
Metal Head 2: Until you hear this…
Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!!….5!!, 6!!, 7!!,8!!, 9!!, 10!!, 11!!, 12!!, 13!!
[Rip-off of the Bon Jovi hit “Bad Medicine”]
Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Your hate is like goodmedicine!, good medicine is not what I need!, causeI’m healthy, your hate is like good medicine!, goodmedicine is not what I need…
Jackie Downs: Get out of my office!!
Metal Head 1: Oh, I see what’s going on. She’sscrewing with us.[cracks himself up]
Metal Head 2: She totally got me!! I thought you werenot gonna sign us!!
Metal Head 1: Oh, you’re good, Jackie Downs!
Metal Head 2: Good? She’s great!
Metal Head 1: I like the vibe here. It’s laid back.Good, good.
Metal Head 2: This is the environment where we willcreate original hit records.
Metal Head 1: Yeah, put’em on the walls.
Jackie Downs: You guys, I’m not joking. Get out.
Metal Head 1: Ok, all right. That’s cool. Not a Bovifan. We got some other looks.
Metal Head 2: Yeah.
Metal Head 1: We use to dick around with some folkmusic stuff that’ll really freak your beans.
Metal Head 2: You might have heard of us. We werecalled Cherry Hapin.
Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 4!!,6!!, 8!! who do weappreciate, thi-i-i-i-s song!!![sing] And the dogs inthe hamlet and the golden fork, big girl red and thewoman in the sun…
Jackie Downs: Ok, that’s enough.
Metal Head 1: Ok sure, we’ll move on to hip-hop if youlike.[Rip-off of Usher’s hit song “Yeah”]
Metal head 1 and 2: [sing and dance]Toot-toot,toot-toot NO!!, Toot-toot, toot toot NO!!
Jackie Downs:[picks phone up]Can you please get mesecurity, please?!
Metal Head 1: Ok, how about some gay hair metal?!
Metal Head 2: Hecks yeah!! Crotley Mue!!
[Rip-off of Motley Crue’s hit “Girls, Girls, Girls”]
Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Boys!!,Boys!!, Boys!!Scratchy beards, floppy dongs!!…[Metal head 1demonstrates with the banana peel]
Jackie Downs: Stop right there!!
Metal Head 1: Where do we sign?!!
Metal Head 2: Yeah, we don’t need pe-e-e-e-ens!! Oh,wait, my pens are gone.
Metal Head 1: What?!
Metal Head 2: We do need a pen.
Metal Head 1: Where is your pen?
Metal Head 2: I don’t know. I put it in my butt andnow I can’t find it.
Metal Head 1: Why did you put it in your butt?
Metal Head 2: It’s not as important as this recorddeal right now. So let’s just focus on that.
Metal Head 1: All right, we’ll focus on that but we’lltalk about this thing later.
Jackie Downs: You guys, for the last time, shut up!I’ve heard enough…[gets up behind her desk]Enough tooffer you a 50 year recording contract.
Metal Head 1: Wh-o-o-o-o-o-ah!!![jumps around]
Metal Head 2: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-t!!
Jackie Downs: You had me at “floppy dongs”. Now let’smake some hit records!!
Metal Head 2: Woooo!!!
[The 3 of them raise their fists in the air. Cut tothe CD cover, the metal heads playing flying v’selectric guitars. Jon Bovi’s new album is entitled:Jon Bovi Does Not Sing The Hits Of Scorpions. A songis heard. It’s a rip-off of Scorpions’s hit “Rock youlike a Hurricane”]
Metal head 1 and 2: [sing]I’m not here!!, roll me likea pleasant day!!….
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel