SNL Transcripts: Jaime Pressley: 10/07/06: Jon Bovi


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae

Jon Bovi

Jackie Downs…..Jaime Pressly
Assistant…..Bill Hader
Metal head 1…..Jason Sudeikis
Metal head 2…..Will Forte

[Opens with the office of record executive JackieDowns. Gold and platinum records hang from the walls.Jackie sits at her desk and talks in her earpiece]

Jackie Downs: I just think the album cover is tooracy. Because she’s a role model to young girls. Fine.You want to use the one where Ashlee’s nipples areexposed, be my guest Mr.Simpson.[gets off the call.Her assistant peeks from the door]

Assistant: Jackie, your 10 o’clock is here.

Jackie Downs: Damn. I’m seeing these guys as a favorto my fanny facialist. Let them in but interrupt me in5 minutes.

Assistant: You got it, Jackie.

[In walks two moustached,long haired metal heads,dressed in 80’s metal fashion. Bandanna, hankies,leather jackets, the works. Metal head 1 is eating abanana]

Metal Head 1: So you’re the great Jackie Downs.

Jackie Downs: Yeah, and who the hell are you?

Metal Head 2: We’re your new hit record.

Jackie Downs: Great. So I hear you’re a rock band,something like Bon Jovi?


Metal Head 1: Whoa!, whoa!, whoa!

Metal Head 2: You take that back! We are nothing likeBon Jovi!

Metal Head 1: We couldn’t be further from Bon Jovi,God!

Jackie Downs: Ok, fine. What is your band’s name?

Metal Head 2: Jon Bovi.

Jackie Downs: See now, that sounds a lot like Bon Jovito me.

Metal Head 1: Yeah, well the similarities end there,Jackie Downs.

Metal Head 2: Yeah, you do not even mention Bon Joviin the same sentence as Jon Bovi. It is insulting tous and all the Bovi fans.

Jackie Downs: Look, I don’t have a lot of time.

Metal Head 1: NO!! You have all the time in theWORLD!!

Jackie Downs: Well, actually I have like 5 minutes.

Metal Head 2: Well, you’ll make 5 lifetimes for usafter you hear this…

Metal head 1 and 2: 1!!, 3!!, 4!!

Metal Head 1: Wait, hold on.

Metal Head 2: Where are we starting?

Metal Head 1: 2’s good?

Metal Head 2: Ok.

Metal Head 1: All right.

Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!![Rip-off of BonJovi’s hit “Wanted: Dead or Alive”]

Metal Head 1:[sings]Cause I’m an Indian…

Metal Head 2: India-a-a-an….

Metal Head 1: On a cotton horse I do not ride, I’munwanted…

Metal Head 2: Unwanted…

Metal head 1 and 2: Alive or dead, alive or dead,a-live or…![singing stops]

Metal Head 1: Boom! Now where the “f” do we sign?!!

Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-ens!![hold upa couple of pens] [Jackie studies them, metal heads grin like idiots]

Metal Head 1: I said, where the “f” do we sign?!!

Metal Head 2: And I said, we brought our ownpe-e-e-e-ens!!!

Jackie Downs: Guys, that song sounds exactly like BonJovi.

Metal Head 1: What?!

Metal Head 2: Uuuuh?!!

Metal Head 1: What?!

Jackie Downs: It is Bon Jovi!

Metal Head 1: Yeah, lady you’re crazy, all right. Thatsong is the exact opposite of a Bon Jovi song.

Metal Head 2: Yeah, we hate Bon Jovi. That’s exactlywhy we started Jon Bovi in the first place!

Metal Head 1: Now, where the “f” do we sign!!

Metal Head 2: We brought our own pe-e-e-e-ens!!

Jackie Downs: I’m never, ever gonna sign you.

Metal Head 2: Until you hear this…

Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 3!!, 4!!….5!!, 6!!, 7!!,8!!, 9!!, 10!!, 11!!, 12!!, 13!!

[Rip-off of the Bon Jovi hit “Bad Medicine”]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Your hate is like goodmedicine!, good medicine is not what I need!, causeI’m healthy, your hate is like good medicine!, goodmedicine is not what I need…

Jackie Downs: Get out of my office!!

Metal Head 1: Oh, I see what’s going on. She’sscrewing with us.[cracks himself up]

Metal Head 2: She totally got me!! I thought you werenot gonna sign us!!

Metal Head 1: Oh, you’re good, Jackie Downs!

Metal Head 2: Good? She’s great!

Metal Head 1: I like the vibe here. It’s laid back.Good, good.

Metal Head 2: This is the environment where we willcreate original hit records.

Metal Head 1: Yeah, put’em on the walls.

Jackie Downs: You guys, I’m not joking. Get out.

Metal Head 1: Ok, all right. That’s cool. Not a Bovifan. We got some other looks.

Metal Head 2: Yeah.

Metal Head 1: We use to dick around with some folkmusic stuff that’ll really freak your beans.

Metal Head 2: You might have heard of us. We werecalled Cherry Hapin.

Metal head 1 and 2: 2!!, 4!!,6!!, 8!! who do weappreciate, thi-i-i-i-s song!!![sing] And the dogs inthe hamlet and the golden fork, big girl red and thewoman in the sun…

Jackie Downs: Ok, that’s enough.

Metal Head 1: Ok sure, we’ll move on to hip-hop if youlike.[Rip-off of Usher’s hit song “Yeah”]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing and dance]Toot-toot,toot-toot NO!!, Toot-toot, toot toot NO!!

Jackie Downs:[picks phone up]Can you please get mesecurity, please?!

Metal Head 1: Ok, how about some gay hair metal?!

Metal Head 2: Hecks yeah!! Crotley Mue!!

[Rip-off of Motley Crue’s hit “Girls, Girls, Girls”]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing] Boys!!,Boys!!, Boys!!Scratchy beards, floppy dongs!!…[Metal head 1demonstrates with the banana peel]

Jackie Downs: Stop right there!!

Metal Head 1: Where do we sign?!!

Metal Head 2: Yeah, we don’t need pe-e-e-e-ens!! Oh,wait, my pens are gone.

Metal Head 1: What?!

Metal Head 2: We do need a pen.

Metal Head 1: Where is your pen?

Metal Head 2: I don’t know. I put it in my butt andnow I can’t find it.

Metal Head 1: Why did you put it in your butt?

Metal Head 2: It’s not as important as this recorddeal right now. So let’s just focus on that.

Metal Head 1: All right, we’ll focus on that but we’lltalk about this thing later.

Jackie Downs: You guys, for the last time, shut up!I’ve heard enough…[gets up behind her desk]Enough tooffer you a 50 year recording contract.

Metal Head 1: Wh-o-o-o-o-o-ah!!![jumps around]

Metal Head 2: Wha-a-a-a-a-a-t!!

Jackie Downs: You had me at “floppy dongs”. Now let’smake some hit records!!

Metal Head 2: Woooo!!!

[The 3 of them raise their fists in the air. Cut tothe CD cover, the metal heads playing flying v’selectric guitars. Jon Bovi’s new album is entitled:Jon Bovi Does Not Sing The Hits Of Scorpions. A songis heard. It’s a rip-off of Scorpions’s hit “Rock youlike a Hurricane”]

Metal head 1 and 2: [sing]I’m not here!!, roll me likea pleasant day!!….

[fade] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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