Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 2
Jaime Pressley’s Monologue
Redneck with Shotgun…..Jason Sudeikis
Slave Woman…..Maya Rudolph
Uncle Remus…..Kenan Thompson
Ku Klux Klan Man…..Fred Armisen
Moonshine Hillbilly…..Will Forte
Southern Belle…..Kristen Wiig
Col. Sanders…..Bill Hader
Deliverance Banjo Guy…..Andy Samberg
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jaime Pressley!
Jaime Pressley: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! This is a dream come true for me, I am so thrilled to be hosting the show tonight. Now, a lot of you know me as “Jot”, my character on “My Name is Earl.” [ audience cheers ] She’s a little trashy — a lot of trashy. And since I really am from the South, people tend to think that’s who I am. They have a preconceived notion that we’re all a bunch of hillbillies, southern belles, and rednecks with shotguns.[ cut to offstage, where members of the cast dressed like southern stereotypes — rednecks, hillbillies, southern belles, and two slaves — stand in wait ]
Jason Sudeikis: Did she — did she just say we’re not doing a hillbilly/southern belle/redneck-with-a-shotgun thing? Wow!
Maya Rudolph: Jason, you did talk to her about doing this, right?
Jason Sudeikis: No! No, no, no, no! But I thought we’d — you know, she’d be COOL with it. Hey! We’ll just go out — we’ll have fun, we’ll riff around!
Kenan Thompson: Oh, man. Uncle Remus is gettin’ OUT of here! Zippity-doo-dah, my ass! [ walks off ]
Fred Armisen: I think Kenan needs a friend right now. [ dons a Ku Klux Klan hood and runs after Kenan ] [ cut back to Pressley at Home Base ]
Jaime Pressley: — So I thought I would just sing a song by a fellow southerner — Miss Peggy Lee — who, by the way, NEVER wore Daisy Dukes.[ the house band plays the notes to “Fever” ]
Jaime Pressley: [ singing ]“Never know how much I love youNever know how much I care.”[ suddenly, Bill Hader, dressed like Col. Sanders, begins to sway in time behind Pressley ]
Jaime Pressley: [ singing ]“But when you put your arms around meI get a fever –“[ Pressley now notices Hader swaying behind her ]
Jaime Pressley: Bill! Bill, Bill! [ waves him offstage, starts her song over ]
“When you put your –“[ Jason, Maya, and Kristen now appear on stage behind Pressley, distracting her once more ]
Jaime Pressley: Okay! Okay, stop! Stop.
Jason Sudeikis: Whoo-hoooooo!! [ fires his shotgun into the air and screams ] I’m Southern! I’m Southern, so Southern! Southern!
Jaime Pressley: I-I thought I made myself EXTREMELY clear, that I did NOT want to do this kind of thing on the show!
Kristen Wiig: We are so sorry, Jaime. We really didn’t want to offend you.
Maya Rudolph: Yeah, we should’ve known better. But we don’t know nothin’ ’bout birthin’ no monologue.
Jaime Pressley: Okay, thanks. It’s-it’s-it’s cool. Go ahead, just get out of here.[ everyone leaves the stage, except for a bush of cornstalks where Will Forte and Darrell Hammond, dressed like hillbillies, hide ]
Jaime Pressley: You — you guys weren’t going to do a “Hee Haw” bit, were you?[ Will and Darrell look at one another, admit their defeat and shake their heads ]
Will & Darrell: No.[ Amy Poehler, dressed like Minnie Pearl, has a different response: ]
Amy Poehler: How-dyyyyy!!
Jaime Pressley: Alright, that’s funny. We got it. Southerners are all a bunch of hicks. Okay. Go ahead. Great. Okay.[ Will, Darrell, and Amy pick up their cornstalks prop and exit the stage, revealing Andy Samberg dressed as the hillbilly from “Deliverance” sitting on a stool ]
Jaime Pressley: Now — now — wow, this is the worst. Come on down here. You! Let’s go. Come on! [ Andy relunctantly stands up and steps forward ] Now, go ahead and play the — whoever — song.[ Andy plunks the opening notes to “Dueling Banjos” ]
Jaime Pressley: This is the most offensive Southern stereotype of all. I mean, the super-creepy, halfwit, hillbilly inbred.
Andy Samberg: Actually, I’m in the band.
Jaime Pressley: Oh, I am so sorry.
Andy Samberg: That’s okay. I get it all the time.[ he begins to strum his banjo and dance around like a hillbilly inbred ]
Jaime Pressley: Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight — Corinne Bailey Rae is here! We’ll be right back!