Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
Peter O’Toole…..Bill Hader
Fugly Betsy…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. And here are tonight’s top stories.
This week, House Speaker Dennis Hastert denied all claims that he knew about all of congressman Marc Foley’s e-mails to a teenaged male page, saying he was unaware about how bad Marc’s transgressions were until last Friday…when he forgot to knock. Hastert also told reporters he will not be pressured to step down in wake of the Marc Foley scandal; some say Hastert will not step down as there’s a good chance he’ll go right through the floor.
Seth Meyers: On Thursday, Condoleeza Rice’s surprise visit in Baghdad was delayed 30 minutes because of indirect fire at the airport. And also because she needed time to put on her bulletproof hair.
Last week, the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric finished in third place, earning her the nickname Dan Rather.
Amy Poehler: It was reported this week that a $20 million provision has been placed in the military spending bill to pay for a party celebrating America’s victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. So save the date: February 8th, 3046.
Seth Meyers: After retiring last Friday in the wake of his congressional page sex scandal, Marc Foley said he was an alcoholic and entered rehab, an all too familiar move that has some alcoholics up in arms. Here to comment on this growing trend is seven-time Oscar nominee and legendary drunk, Peter O’Toole!
Peter O’Toole: [Walks out with glass of whiskey in hand] Aha! Seth, Amy, ’tis I, Peter O’Toole. Over the years, I’ve attained some notoriety as one who will, from time to time, enjoy a cocktail. Or a hundred cocktails. For my behavior, I have been awarded with the present title, “Alcoholic.” A high honor indeed. A toast! To me! [Laughs in a haze and sips his drink] But now, this putrid, silly congressman from Florida, Marc Foley. A pox on him! Calling himself an alcoholic, when in fact, the man is just a pervy little creep! In my most heroic and glorious drunkenness, I have never dreamed of diddling the doinks of young boys. I have s myself, I have soiled my friends, and I have passed out cold in many unsavory lavatories–for which I’m very proud. But I am not a pervert. I’m a drunk. I drink, I talk too loud, I knock stuff over…one time, when I was insatiably drunk, Albert Finney and I stole a train! That’s the kind of fun we alcoholics like to have! [Laughs and sips drink again] Mel Gibson can say he’s an alcoholic, but we know he’s all just a racist. I’m not a racist; I slept in many a bathrub, I wandered the streets at night without my trousers, I once borrowed a circus elephant and took it to a dance! All this, because I was an alcoholic. A rich and wonderful tradition, not to be confused with racism or perversion. Thank you Seth and Amy, I’d love to talk more, but as you can see, this is my stop.
Seth Meyers: Peter O’Toole, everyone! [Peter walks off wrong side of stage]
Amy Poehler: Legend! A legend. Former KISS guitarist Vinnie Vincent, who played with the band from 1982 to 1984, lost a Supreme Court appeal Monday in a dispute over royalties with his former bandmates. Vincent had a feeling things weren’t going to go his way when he walked into court and saw Justice Alito looking like this. [Shows Alito with Gene Simmons’s KISS makeup]
Seth Meyers: Democrats accuse Senate Majority leader Bill Frist of waving a white flag, saying the Afghan war against Taliban guerrillas cannot be won militarily. Things must be bad in Afghanistan if Bill frist is ready to give up; remember, this is the guy who thought we could still fix Terri Schavio. S
Iranian leader Sayid Amil Kamani ruled this week that masturbation during the month of Ramadan invalidates fasting. I think if that’s true, you’re doing it wrong. [Semi applause]
Amy Poehler: [Audience still laughing at previous joke] More than a dozen are suing Hollywood Paws, an animal talent agency, for failing to turn their animals into movie stars. A spokesman for Hollywood Paws said it wasn’t their fault, as many of their pets refused to do nudity. [Shows picture of a dog with his genitals censored]
French authorities seized allegedly more than 100 tabs of the drug ecstasy from Jimmy Buffet’s luggage this week. The good news is they also found his lost shaker of salt.
Seth Meyers: According to new research, about 1/3 of American kids, ages 12-19, fail treadmill tests, failing heart and respiratory health. Even worse, this is the test: [Multiple choice test shows up with pictures of a TV, chicken, treadmill and a box that says All of the Above]
A fungus affecting crops in the midwest may lead to a pumpkin shortage this Halloween. Farmers are starting to promote a new vegetable, the spinach-o-lantern.
Amy Poehler: Well, the new fall TV season is underway, and ABC’s Ugly Betty is one of the stand-out hits, bringing in tremendous ratings. Not to be outdone, NBC has added a new show to their fall schedule, and here to tell all about it is the star of the series, Fugly Betsy.
Fugly Betsy: Hi you guys! I’m so excited about this project. I play an intelligent but unattractive young girl who gets her dream job as an assistant at a fashion magazine.
Amy Poehler: You know, I have to say, it sounds like NBC’s trying to rip off Ugly Betty.
Fugly Betsy: It’s not! It’s totally a different show! First of all, there’s a lot more sex in ours, so that’s fun. And also, I am by far the best looking person in our cast. If America’s buying ugly, we’re like a fugly superstore!
Amy Poehler: That’s great. This is a real breakthrough for you; have you done any previous work on television?
Fugly Betsy: Uh huh! I played a bludgeoning victim on CSI: New York, aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnddddd… yup, that’s it. Hey Seth! Maybe they should have a show for you called Handsome Seth!
Seth Meyers: Oh, uh…thanks, Betsy, but I think you’re a little young for me.
Fugly Betsy: I’m 53. Fugly don’t crack.
Amy Poehler: Sweet. Well, Betsy, we wish you luck, but it’s gonna be tough beating Ugly Betty; it was a huge hit in Colombia and Salma Hayek is producing it.
Fugly Betsy: Well, guess what? We have a pretty impressive executive producer too. Come on out, Charo!
Charo: WHOO! Yes! Hello! You! Must! Watch! This! Show! It’s gonna inspire a whole heneration of fuggly girls to a-reach their dreams! And, if they a-can’t reach them, they will have sex with a lot of peoples! Cuchi cuchi cuchi!
Amy Poehler: Betsy and Charo, everyone! Fugly Besty and Charo, everyone. Thank you so much. Good luck with your show.
Seth Meyers: A Manhattan eye surgeon is offering free LASIK Eye Surgery in exchange for a pair of Mets playoff tickets. Here’s some advice: If someone can’t afford baseball tickets, don’t let them operate on your eyes. With lasers.
A 24-year-old woman in Bulgaria reportedly survived a car crash, thanks to her silicone breast implants, and not, as originally recorded, because of her great personality.
A 379 foot redwood tree discovered in a remote forest in California has turned out to be the world’s tallest tree. Scientists spotted the tree using a technique they call “looking.”
Amy Poehler: George Michael was arrested on Monday on suspicion of possessing marijuana, after police found them asleep in his car. Apparently, someone forgot to wake him up before they go-go’d.
According to the US census bureau, sometime the population this month will reach 300 million. Nice work, K-Fed!
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler, good night!
Submitted by: Joe Murray