SNL Transcripts: Jaime Pressley: 10/07/06: WVIR News


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 2

06b: Jaime Pressley / Corinne Bailey Rae


Gil…..Jason Sudeikis
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Crystal Duggler…..Jaime Pressly

[FADE IN on Gil at the WVIR anchor desk with a cheesy grin on his face.]

Gil: [in a nasal voice] Well, thank God we’ll have terrific weather for the Oysterfest this weekend. [laughs stupidly] And now let’s go to Michelle Dison with “Around the Town.” Michelle?

[CUT to Michelle in a dark business suit standing next to a blonde in a swimsuit in front of a car dealership.]

Michelle Dison: [into microphone] Hi, Gil! I’m here at Bob Gibson Pontiac with the winner of this year’s “Hands on a Hardbody” contest, Crystal Duggler. First of all, Crystal, congratulations.

Crystal Duggler: [bends over to microphone] Thank you so muuuu…ch.

[Crystal straightens and grins perkily with her hands on her hips for a long moment. As she does, Michelle looks her body up and down.]

Michelle Dison: [glances up] I’m sorry. Where did I go? [takes a deep breath] Um… now, um… Crystal, tell us about this “Hands on a Hardbody” contest.

Crystal Duggler: Well, what happens is, everybody stands around a brand new truck, touching it, and you can’t stop touching it, ever, or else you’re out, and when–

Michelle Dison: Can I, can I just say something? Uh, you are a very pretty girl. [snickers self-consciously] Yes, you’re very pretty. Isn’t she, Gil?

[CUT to Gil at the anchor desk absently sipping a mug of tea.]

Gil: [looks up with a start] Oh, uh, yes. [sets down mug] Yes, she is.

[CUT back to Bob Gibson Pontiac.]

Michelle Dison: [leering at Crystal] With nice skin, and tan… gorgeous.

Crystal Duggler: Thank you, I mean, I thought I looked terrible, I’ve been standing here with my hand on a truck for three days, so…

Michelle Dison: Well, if you look this good after all that, I can’t even imagine how good you look fresh out of the shower.

[They stand awkwardly for a long moment as Crystal’s smile slowly fades. Michelle points her mike to her, but Crystal does not speak.

Michelle Dison: Uh, it…


Michelle Dison: Um… Anyway, uh, what made you, uh, want to do a contest like this?

Crystal Duggler: Well, I just wanted to… y’know, try something…

Michelle Dison: ‘Cause you, you could model. You, you should model. The combination of your face, and all this, uh… you could be modeling–you should be modeling. [points to camera] That camera there would love you. This camera loves you. My camera, these camera eyes… [points to her own eyes] …love you. I love you. I mean, I don’t even know you… [laughs nervously] But… the way you look is, um… is really great.

Crystal Duggler: [bends down to mike] Thanks.

Michelle Dison: [fights for composure] So, um… how many hours were you standing there?

Crystal Duggler: Oh, about seventy-eight hours.

Michelle Dison: Someone must go to the gym.


Michelle Dison: [to camera] Gil, y’know, the only thing I could look at for 78 hours is this face. [points to Crystal] You’re…


Michelle Dison: I mean, your face is, um, one of a kind. [rapidly] I mean, I know all faces are one of a kind–unless you’re a twin, then, um…

Crystal Duggler: Well, actually, I’m an only child–

Michelle Dison: Me too!! We should talk about that later. [in a singsong voice] “Something in commonnnnnn…”

[CUT back to Gil.]

Gil: All right, let’s wrap it up, Michelle!

[CUT back to the car lot.]

Crystal Duggler: Uh, can I just say hi to my little niece? [bends to mike and waves to camera] Hi, Jenny! Hiiiii!

[Crystal becomes aware that Michelle is stealing a sniff of her hair, and she straightens up nervously.]

Michelle Dison: [in a reporter’s voice] Crystal, you are friggin’ unbelievable… um, and you know, Crystal, I’m going through a terrible divorce… um, I mean, I am a total wreck.

Crystal Duggler: You know, I should get going, cause I really haven’t eaten, I need a meal.

Michelle Dison: Me too!! That’s weird, I was just saying–oh, where could we go… [softly] Where could we go… to eat together–GOD, your BODY!

Crystal Duggler: Michelle, you know, I think your divorce has you in a really bad place, or… maybe you’re just like this all the time, I don’t know. But you took what would have been the best day of my life, and poured a big ol’ bucket of creep juice on it, so… you get some help. [She pats Michelle’s hair quickly and dashes away. Michelle touches her hair where Crystal touched it, and struggles to maintain some semblance of composure.]

Michelle Dison: Gil, are you there?

Gil: [at desk] Yes.

Michelle Dison: That, that was bad, wasn’t it?

Gil: Yeah.

[CUT back to Michelle as bird poop lands on her left shoulder and leaves a white splatter down her sleeve. She stands perfectly still for a long moment.]

Michelle Dison: [tightly] Gil?

Gil: [at desk] Yes?

Michelle Dison: I’m–I’m still on camera, aren’t I?

Gil: [off camera] Yeah. Yeah, you are.

[Michelle drifts to the left edge of the screen and looks close to tears. CUT back to the studio.]

Gil: Well, that was embarrassing–we’ll be right back!

[News theme plays as Gil nervously shuffles his papers. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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