Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 2
Michelle Dison…..Kristen Wiig
Crystal Duggler…..Jaime Pressly
[FADE IN on Gil at the WVIR anchor desk with a cheesy grin on his face.]
Gil: [in a nasal voice] Well, thank God we’ll have terrific weather for the Oysterfest this weekend. [laughs stupidly] And now let’s go to Michelle Dison with “Around the Town.” Michelle?[CUT to Michelle in a dark business suit standing next to a blonde in a swimsuit in front of a car dealership.]
Michelle Dison: [into microphone] Hi, Gil! I’m here at Bob Gibson Pontiac with the winner of this year’s “Hands on a Hardbody” contest, Crystal Duggler. First of all, Crystal, congratulations.
Crystal Duggler: [bends over to microphone] Thank you so muuuu…ch.[Crystal straightens and grins perkily with her hands on her hips for a long moment. As she does, Michelle looks her body up and down.]
Michelle Dison: [glances up] I’m sorry. Where did I go? [takes a deep breath] Um… now, um… Crystal, tell us about this “Hands on a Hardbody” contest.
Crystal Duggler: Well, what happens is, everybody stands around a brand new truck, touching it, and you can’t stop touching it, ever, or else you’re out, and when–
Michelle Dison: Can I, can I just say something? Uh, you are a very pretty girl. [snickers self-consciously] Yes, you’re very pretty. Isn’t she, Gil?
Gil: [looks up with a start] Oh, uh, yes. [sets down mug] Yes, she is.[CUT back to Bob Gibson Pontiac.]
Michelle Dison: [leering at Crystal] With nice skin, and tan… gorgeous.
Crystal Duggler: Thank you, I mean, I thought I looked terrible, I’ve been standing here with my hand on a truck for three days, so…
Michelle Dison: Well, if you look this good after all that, I can’t even imagine how good you look fresh out of the shower.
Michelle Dison: Uh, it…[laughter]
Michelle Dison: Um… Anyway, uh, what made you, uh, want to do a contest like this?
Crystal Duggler: Well, I just wanted to… y’know, try something…
Michelle Dison: ‘Cause you, you could model. You, you should model. The combination of your face, and all this, uh… you could be modeling–you should be modeling. [points to camera] That camera there would love you. This camera loves you. My camera, these camera eyes… [points to her own eyes] …love you. I love you. I mean, I don’t even know you… [laughs nervously] But… the way you look is, um… is really great.
Crystal Duggler: [bends down to mike] Thanks.
Michelle Dison: [fights for composure] So, um… how many hours were you standing there?
Crystal Duggler: Oh, about seventy-eight hours.
Michelle Dison: Someone must go to the gym.
Michelle Dison: [to camera] Gil, y’know, the only thing I could look at for 78 hours is this face. [points to Crystal] You’re…[laughter]
Michelle Dison: I mean, your face is, um, one of a kind. [rapidly] I mean, I know all faces are one of a kind–unless you’re a twin, then, um…
Crystal Duggler: Well, actually, I’m an only child–
Michelle Dison: Me too!! We should talk about that later. [in a singsong voice] “Something in commonnnnnn…”[CUT back to Gil.]
Gil: All right, let’s wrap it up, Michelle![CUT back to the car lot.]
Crystal Duggler: Uh, can I just say hi to my little niece? [bends to mike and waves to camera] Hi, Jenny! Hiiiii![Crystal becomes aware that Michelle is stealing a sniff of her hair, and she straightens up nervously.]
Michelle Dison: [in a reporter’s voice] Crystal, you are friggin’ unbelievable… um, and you know, Crystal, I’m going through a terrible divorce… um, I mean, I am a total wreck.
Crystal Duggler: You know, I should get going, cause I really haven’t eaten, I need a meal.
Michelle Dison: Me too!! That’s weird, I was just saying–oh, where could we go… [softly] Where could we go… to eat together–GOD, your BODY!
Crystal Duggler: Michelle, you know, I think your divorce has you in a really bad place, or… maybe you’re just like this all the time, I don’t know. But you took what would have been the best day of my life, and poured a big ol’ bucket of creep juice on it, so… you get some help. [She pats Michelle’s hair quickly and dashes away. Michelle touches her hair where Crystal touched it, and struggles to maintain some semblance of composure.]
Michelle Dison: Gil, are you there?
Gil: [at desk] Yes.
Michelle Dison: That, that was bad, wasn’t it?
Gil: Yeah.[CUT back to Michelle as bird poop lands on her left shoulder and leaves a white splatter down her sleeve. She stands perfectly still for a long moment.]
Michelle Dison: [tightly] Gil?
Gil: [at desk] Yes?
Michelle Dison: I’m–I’m still on camera, aren’t I?
Gil: [off camera] Yeah. Yeah, you are.[Michelle drifts to the left edge of the screen and looks close to tears. CUT back to the studio.]
Gil: Well, that was embarrassing–we’ll be right back![News theme plays as Gil nervously shuffles his papers. FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Sean