SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: Colonial Williamsburg


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Colonial Williamsburg

Gary…..John c. Reilly
Mr. Morrison…..Jason Sudeikis
Denise…..Maya Rudolph
Darnell…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Colonial Williamsburg, stock footage of horse-and-buggy going past ] [ dissolve to Gary, dressed in colonial garb, narrating to tour group ]

Gary: [ adjusting his tri-corner hat ] Ah! There we are! [ begins: ] Now, the early settlers used wood for a number of purposes: building, heat, cooking.. games of chance —

[ Gary’s manager, Mr. Morrison, steps right into the middle of the scene, dressed casually in a short-sleeve shirt and tie ]

Mr. Morrison: Uh – sorry, folks. Gary, can I talk to you for a second?

Gary: Oh. Hey, Mr. Morrison! [ to the tour group ] Alright, many pardons, travelers! Please, travel off by ways! [ waves his hand away, as they begin to disperse ]

Mr. Morrison: Maybe you could get a churro or something!

[ the tour group has finally moved along ]

Gary: Could I offer you half a johnny cake, Mr. Morrison?

Mr. Morrison: Uh, no thanks, Gary. Uh – uh, you’ve worked here at Colonial Williamsburg for what, three weeks now?

Gary: Uh – a fortnight and a half-fortnight, yes.

Mr. Morrison: Right. Yeah. uh – well, I just want to start out by saying that we love,/i> your enthusiasm for the job. It’s clear you have a.. real passion for history.

Gary: Well, as I told you when I first started here – I’ve always longed to harken back to an earlier time.

Mr. Morrison: Yeah. You know, once again, I’m impressed both with that sentiment, and with your.. use of the word “harken”, which.. you really came within a stone’s throw of using correctly once. The thing is, since you started here, Gary, uh, a number of people have come to me with some complaints about you.

Gary: Well, they should file them at Town Hall, like the rest of us!

Mr. Morrison: Right. You’re, of course, referring to the building with the “Town Hall” sign, which is.. actually the gift shop.

Gary: Oh, I get it! sort of like how the old — Ye Olde Apothecary’s really the bathrooms!

Mr. Morrison: No. No, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that, too. Uh – back to my original point. You know, it’s no secret that you’ve had some problems with some of the other employees – or, more accurately, it’s one particular group that’s had a problem with you. Uh – Gary, would you care to guess which one that is?

Gary: [ thinking ] Those dastardly British?

Mr. Morrison: Mmm-hmm. No, no. We don’t have any British employees. Why don’t you guess again?

Gary: [ thinking ] I hope you’re not gonna tell me it’s the Slaves.

Mr. Morrison: There’s no slaves here, Gary. Alright? There’s no slaves. There are, however, some very unhappy African-American employees.

Gary: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Morrison. Ugh! This johnny cake is so dry. [ looks offscreen ] Mammy!! Fetch me some water from the well!

Mr. Morrison: No, that’s —

[ an employee named Denise, dressed like a colonial slavegirl, exits from one of the colonial houses ]

Denise: [ to Gary ] As I’ve told you before.. my name is Denise. Not “Mammy.” Mr. Morrison, this is completely offensive —

Mr. Morrison: Alright —

Denise: Can you please talk to him while I go get ready for Aunt Bessie’s Honkytonk Jamboree. [ dons a Mammy headdress, gives Gary a dirty look, then exits ]

Mr. Morrison: Of course, Denise.

Gary: Mr. Morrison, I – I don’t understand. She’s playing a slave! I’m just treating her the way my character would have treated her in colonial times!

Mr. Morrison: Okay. Okay. Well, she’s not the only one, though, Gary. Lamar Paulsen, for example, is very upset.

Gary: Well, again – I’m just treating him as his character. You know, I always try to be as historically accurate as possible, while within these grounds!

Mr. Morrison: Okay. But Lamar works in the corporate office, which is about thirty miles away from “the grounds.” and, for someone who’s trying to be “historiclaly accurate”, you’ve sent a whole lot of offensive e-mails!

Gary: Well.. I-I do have to take some historical liberties just to live my life!

Mr. Morrison: Yeah. Well, you’ve also been extremely offensive towards out many Asian-American tour groups, which, aside from being horribly inappropriate, has absolutely no historical basis! Because there weren’t any Asian people around in colonial times!

Gary: Well.. as always, I’ve tried to put myself in the mind of a colonial person! And I truly believe that, had they been given the opportunity, they would have hated Asian people, too!

Mr. Morrison: Uh-huh.

Gary: That’s my favorite part about this place – using your imaginiation!

Mr. Morrison: I guess what I’m trying to say, Gary, is that I think your racist behavior has nothing,/i> to do with where you work.

Gary: Wow! Mr. Morrrison! I have to be honest with you – you’re starting to sound a lot like my boss at Best BUy.

Mr. Morrison: Gary, I’m gonna have to ask you to hang up your tri-corner hat.

[ Darnell, dressed as a town crier, enters scene clanging his bell ]

Darnell: Hear ye, hear ye! Racist Cracker gets his ass fired at Williamsburg! [ clangs bell ] Soon to get jumped in the parking lot! [ clangs bell menacingly at Gary ]

Mr. Morrison: That’s enough, Darnell. That’s enough.

Darnell: Oh. Oh, okay. [ shakes his bell violently in front of Darnell for a couple of extra seconds before turning away ]

Gary: Those kneesocks are inaccurate!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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Samuel Hutchison
Samuel Hutchison
3 years ago

Do we know who wrote this sketch?

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