Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 3
Gary…..John c. Reilly
Mr. Morrison…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on exterior, Colonial Williamsburg, stock footage of horse-and-buggy going past ]
[ dissolve to Gary, dressed in colonial garb, narrating to tour group ]
Gary: [ adjusting his tri-corner hat ] Ah! There we are! [ begins: ] Now, the early settlers used wood for a number of purposes: building, heat, cooking.. games of chance —
[ Gary’s manager, Mr. Morrison, steps right into the middle of the scene, dressed casually in a short-sleeve shirt and tie ]
Mr. Morrison: Uh – sorry, folks. Gary, can I talk to you for a second?
Gary: Oh. Hey, Mr. Morrison! [ to the tour group ] Alright, many pardons, travelers! Please, travel off by ways! [ waves his hand away, as they begin to disperse ]
Mr. Morrison: Maybe you could get a churro or something!
[ the tour group has finally moved along ]
Gary: Could I offer you half a johnny cake, Mr. Morrison?
Mr. Morrison: Uh, no thanks, Gary. Uh – uh, you’ve worked here at Colonial Williamsburg for what, three weeks now?
Gary: Uh – a fortnight and a half-fortnight, yes.
Mr. Morrison: Right. Yeah. uh – well, I just want to start out by saying that we love,/i> your enthusiasm for the job. It’s clear you have a.. real passion for history.
Gary: Well, as I told you when I first started here – I’ve always longed to harken back to an earlier time.
Mr. Morrison: Yeah. You know, once again, I’m impressed both with that sentiment, and with your.. use of the word “harken”, which.. you really came within a stone’s throw of using correctly once. The thing is, since you started here, Gary, uh, a number of people have come to me with some complaints about you.
Gary: Well, they should file them at Town Hall, like the rest of us!
Mr. Morrison: Right. You’re, of course, referring to the building with the “Town Hall” sign, which is.. actually the gift shop.
Gary: Oh, I get it! sort of like how the old — Ye Olde Apothecary’s really the bathrooms!
Mr. Morrison: No. No, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that, too. Uh – back to my original point. You know, it’s no secret that you’ve had some problems with some of the other employees – or, more accurately, it’s one particular group that’s had a problem with you. Uh – Gary, would you care to guess which one that is?
Gary: [ thinking ] Those dastardly British?
Mr. Morrison: Mmm-hmm. No, no. We don’t have any British employees. Why don’t you guess again?
Gary: [ thinking ] I hope you’re not gonna tell me it’s the Slaves.
Mr. Morrison: There’s no slaves here, Gary. Alright? There’s no slaves. There are, however, some very unhappy African-American employees.
Gary: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mr. Morrison. Ugh! This johnny cake is so dry. [ looks offscreen ] Mammy!! Fetch me some water from the well!
Mr. Morrison: No, that’s —
[ an employee named Denise, dressed like a colonial slavegirl, exits from one of the colonial houses ]
Denise: [ to Gary ] As I’ve told you before.. my name is Denise. Not “Mammy.” Mr. Morrison, this is completely offensive —
Mr. Morrison: Alright —
Denise: Can you please talk to him while I go get ready for Aunt Bessie’s Honkytonk Jamboree. [ dons a Mammy headdress, gives Gary a dirty look, then exits ]
Mr. Morrison: Of course, Denise.
Gary: Mr. Morrison, I – I don’t understand. She’s playing a slave! I’m just treating her the way my character would have treated her in colonial times!
Mr. Morrison: Okay. Okay. Well, she’s not the only one, though, Gary. Lamar Paulsen, for example, is very upset.
Gary: Well, again – I’m just treating him as his character. You know, I always try to be as historically accurate as possible, while within these grounds!
Mr. Morrison: Okay. But Lamar works in the corporate office, which is about thirty miles away from “the grounds.” and, for someone who’s trying to be “historiclaly accurate”, you’ve sent a whole lot of offensive e-mails!
Gary: Well.. I-I do have to take some historical liberties just to live my life!
Mr. Morrison: Yeah. Well, you’ve also been extremely offensive towards out many Asian-American tour groups, which, aside from being horribly inappropriate, has absolutely no historical basis! Because there weren’t any Asian people around in colonial times!
Gary: Well.. as always, I’ve tried to put myself in the mind of a colonial person! And I truly believe that, had they been given the opportunity, they would have hated Asian people, too!
Mr. Morrison: Uh-huh.
Gary: That’s my favorite part about this place – using your imaginiation!
Mr. Morrison: I guess what I’m trying to say, Gary, is that I think your racist behavior has nothing,/i> to do with where you work.
Gary: Wow! Mr. Morrrison! I have to be honest with you – you’re starting to sound a lot like my boss at Best BUy.
Mr. Morrison: Gary, I’m gonna have to ask you to hang up your tri-corner hat.
[ Darnell, dressed as a town crier, enters scene clanging his bell ]
Darnell: Hear ye, hear ye! Racist Cracker gets his ass fired at Williamsburg! [ clangs bell ] Soon to get jumped in the parking lot! [ clangs bell menacingly at Gary ]
Mr. Morrison: That’s enough, Darnell. That’s enough.
Darnell: Oh. Oh, okay. [ shakes his bell violently in front of Darnell for a couple of extra seconds before turning away ]
Gary: Those kneesocks are inaccurate!
[ fade ]