Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 3
Korean Central Television
Kim Jong Il…..Amy Poehler
Guards…..Bill Hader, Fred Armisen
[Network logo for KCT]
Announcer: You’re watching Korean Central Television! Coming up at seven o’clock, it’s a documentary: National Treasure: The Yonjibong Pine Tree. Followed by Magnum P.I. Then, it’s ten hours of darkness! But first, an address from the glorious leader, Kim Jong Il!
[James Bond style theme music plays as Jong Il fences, saves a baby from a burning building, and has a shoot-out in the Old West. Fireworks play over the cursive text “Kim Jong Il” as he grins at the camera.]
[Jong Il sits on an ornate throne, flanked by two guards. His feet do not reach the floor.]
Kim Jong Il: Greetings, fellow citizens of the People’s Democratic Republic of Korea! Today I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we have a nuclear bomb! Ha cha cha! [gives two thumbs up] Now the bad news. Great imperialist aggressor the United States has passed UN Resolution 1718, putting cruel trade sanctions on our noble country. What does it mean for the People’s Republic of Korea? I’m not going to lie to you. The bountiful and prosperous times that our nation has known up until now are no more! It is belt-tightening time. And if you have a leather belt, it is probably belt-eating time. [In a Hank Kingsley voice] Hey now. [does jazz hands]
But let’s be honest. This country has had it easy for too long. It’s time to make some sacrifices! [graphic goes up depicting this] Where a family of four used to get one bag of rice, five gallons of water and no bags of sand, they will now get a half a bag of rice, no gallon of water, and ten bags of sand.
[back to Jong Il] So it’s one of these. [balance scale impression with hands] Check this out! March!
[camera widens to watch the two guards march] March higher! [the guards do] Stop! [they stop] Ha ha, I love that!
Don’t think Kim Jong Il does not have to make sacrifices as well! What if I need a part for one of my fish tank motors? I will not be able to order it! I will have to take it from another one of my fish tank motors. Ohhh, thinking about it drives me craaaazy! [shakes fists]
In closing, I have a nuclear bomb! To America, I would like to say: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat, wisenheimers!” Until next time, save me the aisle seat. [blows a kiss at the camera, Dating Game-style]
[KCT network logo]
Announcer: This has been an address from the glorious leader, Kim Jong Il!
[Jong Il breaks through the graphic to the Looney Tunes theme]
Kim Jong Il: Muhmuhmuhmuh, that’s all, folks!
Submitted by: Joy