SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: McMillan Family Moment I

SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: McMillan Family Moment I

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

McMillan Family Moment I

Mr. McMillan…..John C. Reilly
Jerry…..Andy Samberg

[Heartwarming Steel Magnolias-style music takes us from a split-level house exterior inside to the kitchen. A middle-aged dad and his teenaged son are sitting at a table. Each have a glass of milk with a plate of Oreos between them.]

Mr. McMillan: You see, Jerry, you can’t just eat it right away. Every family has its own system of eating Oreos, and I think it’s time I taught you the McMillan system that my dad taught me. First thing out of the gate: Hold the edges of the cookie with both hands. And then you give it a nice gentle twist. [demonstrates for his son] And when you pull them apart, you’re going to have a naked side, and a cream side. You see that?

Jerry: [unengaged] Yeah.

Mr. McMillan: Great. Then you’re gonna wanna scrape the cream with your teeth, straight down the middle like a snow shovel. [does so] Mmm, see? Like this. Mmm. Now just enjoy that cream for a minute. Mmm, nice. Now, what you want to do is put the two halves back together and then we move into what I call, “the dunking phase”.

Jerry: Can’t I just eat it?

Mr. McMillan: [angrily throws the Oreo on the table] Yeah. [music stops] Eat it. Go ahead, eat ’em all. [throws the Oreos on the plate at him] Choke ’em down. There. There! [stands up] How dare I try to teach my son a family tradition?!

Jerry: I’m kinda old for that, Dad!

Mr. McMillan: [in Jerry’s face] Oh, yeah, I blew it! Who wants to know about their own family?! That’s boring! You know what? Why don’t you just make up some new traditions, like sitting on your ass! [Jerry shifts in his chair] Playing video games and downloading rock songs on the iTube! Do your thing.

Jerry: — can I go now?

Mr. McMillan: You make the rules, you tell me! [Jerry leaves] Yeah, have fun telling your mother what an ass I am.

[music starts again over a title card which reads:]

Female Narrator: This has been a McMillan Family Moment.

Submitted by: Joy

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