Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 3
John C. Reilly’s Monologue
…..John C. Reilly
James Lipton…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – John c. Reilly!
[ the audience cheers and screams with great enthusiasm ]
John C. Reilly: Oh.. wow! Hello! Hello! [ humbled ] Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. [ the audience continues with their applause ] Wow! Hey! This is really amazing! This is reaaaaly amazing, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” – little ol’ me, whaddaya know? [ a couple of audience members whoop ] I have to say, this is kind of unbelievable. I mean, literally unbelievable. When they called me to ask me to host the show, you know, I said, “Yes,” of course. But I told them, “You know, you might have to remind people, a little bit, of who I am exactly.” Because.. well.. lots of people seem to know my face – I’ve been in over forty films – but, you know, I’ll admit it – I’m not exactly a household name, you know? They know the work, but not the name.
James Lipton: That is a patent false-hood.
[ the audience screams and cheers excitedly, as Will Ferrell, dressed as James Lipton, stands in the audience, clutching his blue note cards ]
James Lipton: All the peoples of the world know who you arrrre – and.. they.. relish you. You.. sir.. are a de-light! [ laughs maniacally ]
John C. Reilly: James Lipton! Wow! I can’t believe it!
[ Lipton runs up on stage to join Reilly ]
James Lipton: You know – you know – thank you! Thank you for a body of work.. that is brilliantly personified. If you want to see a magnificant performance —
John C. Reilly: James. Thank —
James Lipton: — an astonishing performance —
John C. Reilly: It’s just that I’m right in the middle of —
James Lipton: — a moment SO splendifferous.. its mere existence offers irrefutable proof.. that there.. is indeed.. a God!
John C. Reilly: Sir, I don’t —
James Lipton: The role, of course.. is that of Marcellus Wallace. The film? “Pulp Fiction!”
John C. Reilly: I wasn’t in “Pulp Fiction.”
James Lipton: Nonsense! You are being modest! You.. were.. spell-bind-ing!
John C. Reilly: No, really – I wasn’t in “Pulp Fiction.”
James Lipton: [ laughs maniacally, as he switches blue cards ] The year.. was 1965. THe place? The Milky Way galaxy. More specifically, our solar system. The film? “Sound of Music.”
John C. Reilly: I was born in 1965 —
James Lipton: Indeed you were. Born anew on film. You were also the voice of R2D2 in “The Sound of Music.” Changed not only the way we look at cinema —
John C. Reilly: He was a robot, Sir.
James Lipton: — but how we look at ourselves, in the mirror —
John C. Reilly: James —
James Lipton: — when you’ve slept on a courderoy pillow —
John C. Reilly: I —
James Lipton: — or, perhaps, a telephone cord —
John C. Reilly: Yes. I appreciate —
James Lipton: — after a night of what the French call Le petit melangalias, a le, a lai —
John C. Reilly: Thank you very much, sir. That’s very kind of you, but —
James Lipton: And now we come full circle.
John C. Reilly: That’s a lot of cards.
James Lipton: Yes. The year? 2002.
John C. Reilly: Okay!
James Lipton: The film? “Chicago.”
John C. Reilly: Yes. Well, I was in that one.
[ the audience cheers ]
James Lipton: And, of course.. the role? Roxy Hart.
John C. Reilly: No – Roxy Hart was a woman.
James Lipton: [ laughs manaically ] Indeed!! When Roxy claims to be pregnant —
John C. Reilly: But I didn’t play her —
James Lipton: — to refocus the limelight directly on her —
John C. Reilly: Yes. But, I —
James Lipton: — it —
John C. Reilly: It was Renne Zelwegger —
James Lipton: — was —
John C. Reilly: She was a woman —
James Lipton: — Brilliant! [ a beat ] Could we speak to Roxy?
John C. Reilly: James, I didn’t —
James Lipton: [ puts his hand on Reilly’s face ] Roxy?
John C. Reilly: I didn’t play —
James Lipton: Is Roxy in there? [ puts his fingers to Reilly’s mouth, and proceeds to dig his way inside ]
John C. Reilly: [ in a high-pitched voice ] Yes!
James Lipton: [ breathes a sigh of relief ]
John C. Reilly: Yes, she’s here!
James Lipton: I think everyone here would enjoy hearing some of roxy’s signature song. Wouldn’t you, audience?
[ the audience cheers ]
James Lipton: Would you?! [ to Reilly ] Roxy?
John C. Reilly: [ giving in ] Oh, James, you hopeless dreamer.
James Lipton: Oh, yes! Yes!
John C. Reilly: [ grabs a microphone and begins singing ]”It’s good, isn’t it?”
James Lipton: [ throws his blue cards to the ground ] Marvelous!
John C. Reilly: “Grand, isn’t it?”
James Lipton: It’s happening!
John C. Reilly: “Great, isn’t it?”
James Lipton: I have an erection!
John C. Reilly:
“Swell, isn’t it?
Fun, isn’t it?
James Lipton: I can’t believe it! [ grabs a microphone of his own, and sings ]
“There’s men, everywhere
John C. Reilly: “You can like the life you’re livin’.”
James Lipton: “You can live the life you like.”
John C. Reilly: “You can even marry Harry.”
James Lipton: “But mess around wiht Ike.”
Good, isn’t it?
Grand, isn’t it?
Great, isn’t it?
Swell, isn’t it?
Fun, isn’t it?”
John C. Reilly:
“But nothing stayyyys
In fifty years or so –“
James Lipton: “It’s gonna change, you know.”
“But, ohhhh, it’s heaven
James Lipton: Let’s hear it for our host, Sean J. Reilly!
[ a neon sign drops down that reads: “Sean C. Reilly” ]
John C. Reilly: Almost! That’s also incorrect!
James Lipton: Sean J. Reailly – I’m sorry!
John C. Reilly: We have a great show for you tonight!
James Lipton: “Apocolypse Now!”
John C. Reilly: My Chemical Romance is here!
James Lipton: “Kramer vs. Kramer!”
John C. Reilly: Stick around, we’ll be right back! It’ll be fun!
James Lipton: “The Birdcage!”
Together: “Now-a-dayyyyyysss –“