SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: John C. Reilly’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

John C. Reilly’s Monologue

…..John C. Reilly
James Lipton…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – John c. Reilly!

[ the audience cheers and screams with great enthusiasm ]

John C. Reilly: Oh.. wow! Hello! Hello! [ humbled ] Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. [ the audience continues with their applause ] Wow! Hey! This is really amazing! This is reaaaaly amazing, to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” – little ol’ me, whaddaya know? [ a couple of audience members whoop ] I have to say, this is kind of unbelievable. I mean, literally unbelievable. When they called me to ask me to host the show, you know, I said, “Yes,” of course. But I told them, “You know, you might have to remind people, a little bit, of who I am exactly.” Because.. well.. lots of people seem to know my face – I’ve been in over forty films – but, you know, I’ll admit it – I’m not exactly a household name, you know? They know the work, but not the name.

James Lipton: That is a patent false-hood.

[ the audience screams and cheers excitedly, as Will Ferrell, dressed as James Lipton, stands in the audience, clutching his blue note cards ]

James Lipton: All the peoples of the world know who you arrrre – and.. they.. relish you. You.. sir.. are a de-light! [ laughs maniacally ]

John C. Reilly: James Lipton! Wow! I can’t believe it!

[ Lipton runs up on stage to join Reilly ]

James Lipton: You know – you know – thank you! Thank you for a body of work.. that is brilliantly personified. If you want to see a magnificant performance —

John C. Reilly: James. Thank —

James Lipton: — an astonishing performance —

John C. Reilly: It’s just that I’m right in the middle of —

James Lipton: — a moment SO splendifferous.. its mere existence offers irrefutable proof.. that there.. is indeed.. a God!

John C. Reilly: Sir, I don’t —

James Lipton: The role, of course.. is that of Marcellus Wallace. The film? “Pulp Fiction!”

John C. Reilly: I wasn’t in “Pulp Fiction.”

James Lipton: Nonsense! You are being modest! You.. were.. spell-bind-ing!

John C. Reilly: No, really – I wasn’t in “Pulp Fiction.”

James Lipton: [ laughs maniacally, as he switches blue cards ] The year.. was 1965. THe place? The Milky Way galaxy. More specifically, our solar system. The film? “Sound of Music.”

John C. Reilly: I was born in 1965 —

James Lipton: Indeed you were. Born anew on film. You were also the voice of R2D2 in “The Sound of Music.” Changed not only the way we look at cinema —

John C. Reilly: He was a robot, Sir.

James Lipton: — but how we look at ourselves, in the mirror —

John C. Reilly: James —

James Lipton: — when you’ve slept on a courderoy pillow —

John C. Reilly: I —

James Lipton: — or, perhaps, a telephone cord —

John C. Reilly: Yes. I appreciate —

James Lipton: — after a night of what the French call Le petit melangalias, a le, a lai —

John C. Reilly: Thank you very much, sir. That’s very kind of you, but —

James Lipton: And now we come full circle.

John C. Reilly: That’s a lot of cards.

James Lipton: Yes. The year? 2002.

John C. Reilly: Okay!

James Lipton: The film? “Chicago.”

John C. Reilly: Yes. Well, I was in that one.

[ the audience cheers ]

James Lipton: And, of course.. the role? Roxy Hart.

John C. Reilly: No – Roxy Hart was a woman.

James Lipton: [ laughs manaically ] Indeed!! When Roxy claims to be pregnant —

John C. Reilly: But I didn’t play her —

James Lipton: — to refocus the limelight directly on her —

John C. Reilly: Yes. But, I —

James Lipton: — it —

John C. Reilly: It was Renne Zelwegger —

James Lipton: — was —

John C. Reilly: She was a woman

James Lipton: — Brilliant! [ a beat ] Could we speak to Roxy?

John C. Reilly: James, I didn’t —

James Lipton: [ puts his hand on Reilly’s face ] Roxy?

John C. Reilly: I didn’t play —

James Lipton: Is Roxy in there? [ puts his fingers to Reilly’s mouth, and proceeds to dig his way inside ]

John C. Reilly: [ in a high-pitched voice ] Yes!

James Lipton: [ breathes a sigh of relief ]

John C. Reilly: Yes, she’s here!

James Lipton: I think everyone here would enjoy hearing some of roxy’s signature song. Wouldn’t you, audience?

[ the audience cheers ]

James Lipton: Would you?! [ to Reilly ] Roxy?

John C. Reilly: [ giving in ] Oh, James, you hopeless dreamer.

James Lipton: Oh, yes! Yes!

John C. Reilly: [ grabs a microphone and begins singing ]”It’s good, isn’t it?”

James Lipton: [ throws his blue cards to the ground ] Marvelous!

John C. Reilly: “Grand, isn’t it?”

James Lipton: It’s happening!

John C. Reilly: “Great, isn’t it?”

James Lipton: I have an erection!

John C. Reilly:
“Swell, isn’t it?
Fun, isn’t it?

James Lipton: I can’t believe it! [ grabs a microphone of his own, and sings ]“There’s men, everywhere
Jazz, everywhere
Booze, everywhere
Life, everywhere
Joy, everywhere

John C. Reilly: “You can like the life you’re livin’.”

James Lipton: “You can live the life you like.”

John C. Reilly: “You can even marry Harry.”

James Lipton: “But mess around wiht Ike.”

“And that’s
Good, isn’t it?
Grand, isn’t it?
Great, isn’t it?
Swell, isn’t it?
Fun, isn’t it?”

John C. Reilly:
“But nothing stayyyys

In fifty years or so –“

James Lipton: “It’s gonna change, you know.”

“But, ohhhh, it’s heaven

James Lipton: Let’s hear it for our host, Sean J. Reilly!

[ a neon sign drops down that reads: “Sean C. Reilly” ]

John C. Reilly: Almost! That’s also incorrect!

James Lipton: Sean J. Reailly – I’m sorry!

John C. Reilly: We have a great show for you tonight!

James Lipton: “Apocolypse Now!”

John C. Reilly: My Chemical Romance is here!

James Lipton: “Kramer vs. Kramer!”

John C. Reilly: Stick around, we’ll be right back! It’ll be fun!

James Lipton: “The Birdcage!”

Together: “Now-a-dayyyyyysss –“

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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