Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 3
Special Report with Brit Hume
Written by: Jim Downey
Brit Hume…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
[ open on Fox News graphics ]
[ SUPER: “Fox News. Fair and Balanced.” ]
[ SUPER: “Special Report with Brit Hume” ]
[ dissolve to Brit Hume in the studio ]
Brit Hume: Welcome back. Poli — [ the audience cheers wildly ] Welcome back. Political observers are calling the upterm — midterm elections a referendum on the war in Iraq. Are we making progress, or, as we assimilate, stuck? Is it time to stay the course, or cut and run? Those decisions, of course, ultimately fall on the shoulders of one man – our Commander-in-Chief, George W. Bush. Here now is Part One of my very special interview.
[ graphic: “Special Report: Interview with President Bush” ]
Brit Hume: Thank you, uh, for taking the time, Mr. President.
President George W. Bush: Anytime, Brit, anytime.
Brit Hume: Mr. President, polls show that the majority of Americans think that the most important issue facing our country right now is the war in Iraq. But the news coming out of that part of the world.. is not all rosy.
President George W. Bush: [ shaking his head in complete agreement ] No, it’s not. Nope.
Brit Hume: Terror attacks have intensified to near-record levels. This month, the U.S. has already totaled fifty-three casualties.. making October the deadliest month in nearly two years.
President George W. Bush: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Brit Hume: According to one recent study, the number of Iraqi civilian casualties may run as high as 600,000. Some also claim that the United States has been unable to provide the Iraqi civilians with any lasting security.
President George W. Bush: Yeah, that’s right. Uh-huh.
Brit Hume: For example, when Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice visited Baghdad last week, she was forced to circle the airport for over forty minutes, due to mortar fire —
President George W. Bush: Right. [ nods his head ]
Brit Hume: — then be helicoptered into the city because the highway’s impassable! Then she had to meet with President Talibani in the dark because the electricity had been cut off! [ trying to stifle his laughter ]
President George W. Bush: Well, she’s a trooper.
Brit Hume: As part of your program of general de-Baathification, the Iraqi army was immediately dissolved, flooding the streets wih local militias made up of former Iraqi Army officers, a policy that Newt Gingrich, a Republican, has called “the largest single disaster in American foreign policy in modern times.”
President George W. Bush: That’s what he said.
Brit Hume: Moreover, the recent National Intelligence Estimate suggests that the unrest in Iraq may be creating more terrorists rather than reducing the numbers —
President George W. Bush: I’ve heard that. Yeah.
Brit Hume: You’ve thrown out portions of the Geneva Convention —
President George W. Bush: Yep.
Brit Hume: — your approval ratings are hovering in the low 30’s —
President George W. Bush: Right.
Brit Hume: As the lion’s share of our troops are committed elsewhere, we have no credible military response to North Korea, a country that, unlike Iraq, actually has weapons of mass destruction!
President George W. Bush: They sure do. Sure. Yeah.
Brit Hume: Now there’s news that, in an overwhelming display of force, a Shiite militia led by rebel cleric Muqtada al-Sadr briefly took the city of Amarah in an area once considered safe. So, Mr. President, considering all these factors, my question to you is: “Can we win this war.. in Iraq?”
President George W. Bush: [ after a brief moment of consideration ] Absolutely, Brit.
Brit Hume: That’s good enough for me. [ abruptly drops his clipboard on the endtable, stands and makes his exit ]
President George W. Bush: Thank you, Brit, thank you. [ turns to face the camera ] And – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”