Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 3
Jennifer….John C. Reilly
Girl 1….Maya Rudolph
Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Girl 1: Oh my God!, you guys, how much fun was thatparty last night?
Girl 2: Oh my God! It was so fun. Oh, my God! Can Ijust say you guys, how hung over you guys were!
Girl 1: Oh, I am so hung over.
Girl 2: I know.
Shelley: Oh my God. How crazy is it that I woke up thismorning in just my turtleneck.[Girls laugh. At the end of the table is emotionalblondie Jennifer]
Jennifer: Oh my God! That is so funny, Shelly. Howcrazy are you?!
Shelley: I know.[Girl 1 eats chip]
Girl 1: Oh my God, you guys. I could seriously liveon chips and salsa.
Jennifer: I know, right? I do live on chips and salsa.
Girl 1: Oh my God, Jennifer, what is it?
Jennifer: Nothing you guys. I’m good. You guys, listento this. This is funny. Last night I drank 27 butterynipples.[Laughs and cries bitterly] And I totallycalled Robert!!
Girls: Jennifer! Oh, no!
Jennifer: I’m okay.[cries]and then I had a glass ofPort and then I found a bottle of Pinot Griggio in mytrunk and I drank that and that’s kind of funny,right? [giggles and then cries]And then I calledRobert again!!!
Girl 1: Jennifer, why on earth would you do that?
Jennifer: Because you guys! Robert is my boo![waiter arrives]
Waiter: Who ordered the beef burrito?
Waiter: All right. There you are.[sets plate down] Andwho ordered the beef tacos?
Jennifer: That’s me too. Bean burrito and bean taco.Oh my God, you guys, I don’t know what I’m gonnado.[bites into the bean taco]This is so good![laughsand then ugly cries with a mouth full of taco]Youguys, I’m just gonna go. I always ruin brunch!
Girls: No, no! Don’t go.
Jennifer: You guys are the best friends ever.Listen,[bites into burrito]he’s a turd. And he leadsme to believe that we really got it going on and thenI realize I’m just one of his many stops along bootyhighway! This taquitos are sheer heaven.[eats somemore and more sobbing cries]I just need to hop in myPT Cruiser, put the pedal to the metal and drive fastas I can to screw-somebody-else-ville![eats more taco,cries]Where is that freakin’…[looks over hershoulder]
Girl 2: Jennifer, are you okay?
Jennifer: That looks good. What did you get?
Girl 2: I got 2 chicken enchiladas.
Jennifer: Can I have you’re chicken enchiladas,please?[sad]I will totally buy you more!![Girl 2 gives Jennifer her plate]
Jennifer: Oh, Robert!, guacamole,[eats taco dipped inguacamole]salsa, Robert?! Taquitos![cries ans eats,mouth full] [Suspense music, shot of girls disturbed,uncomfortable faces]
Jennifer: Flautas, Robert![eats and ugly cries] PinotGrigio, Robert![eats and ugly cries]Beans! Oh my God!,guys. [mouth full of food]I’m sorry, I’m a mess!Listen, I’ll be right back. Can somebody be a a heroand order me a margarita and 2 more beef tacos?[Getsup and leaves]
Girl 1: Guys, can I just say, why is Jennifer such awreck?
Girl 2: Oh my God, you guys known her for like 6months, you guys and its always the same thing.
Shelley: You guys, I’m beginning to think Robertdoesn’t even exist.
Girl 1: This is really mean but….should we justleave?
Girl 2: Yeah.[The 3 girls get up and leave. Jennifer comes back andsits back down]
Jennifer: Oh, they’re all probably outside having asmoke. [eats chip and cries] [Romantic music plays, man dressed like a member ofthe 60’s group The Monkees appears. Moe’s haircut,60’s attire, glasses]
Jennifer: Robert?![nasal voice]
Jennifer: Robert, you get my messages?
Robert: Of course I did.
Jennifer: You’re not cross with me, are you?[bitestaco]
Robert: Oh, silly child.[sits next to Jennifer]I livefor your messages.
Jennifer: Robert, your the best. The best but I’m sucha mess.[hugs Robert]
Robert: Sshhhh, shhhh[kisses Jennifer passionately,tongue and all] [The 3 girls look down at Jennifer’s happy ending andsmile from the baranda of a little balcony on thecantina restaurant] [Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel