SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: Mexican Restaurant


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Mexican Restaurant

Jennifer….John C. Reilly
Robert….Fred Armisen
Shelley….Kristen Wiig
Girl 1….Maya Rudolph
Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Waiter….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a Mexican cantina style restaurant. Threegirlfriends are enjoying their meals. Chips and salsa,margaritas etc.]

Girl 1: Oh my God!, you guys, how much fun was thatparty last night?

Girl 2: Oh my God! It was so fun. Oh, my God! Can Ijust say you guys, how hung over you guys were!

Girl 1: Oh, I am so hung over.

Girl 2: I know.

Shelley: Oh my God. How crazy is it that I woke up thismorning in just my turtleneck.

[Girls laugh. At the end of the table is emotionalblondie Jennifer]

Jennifer: Oh my God! That is so funny, Shelly. Howcrazy are you?!

Shelley: I know.

[Girl 1 eats chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, you guys. I could seriously liveon chips and salsa.

Jennifer: I know, right? I do live on chips and salsa.

[Jennifer laughs then ugly cries holding up a chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, Jennifer, what is it?

Jennifer: Nothing you guys. I’m good. You guys, listento this. This is funny. Last night I drank 27 butterynipples.[Laughs and cries bitterly] And I totallycalled Robert!!

Girls: Jennifer! Oh, no!

Jennifer: I’m okay.[cries]and then I had a glass ofPort and then I found a bottle of Pinot Griggio in mytrunk and I drank that and that’s kind of funny,right? [giggles and then cries]And then I calledRobert again!!!

Girls: No!!

Jennifer: YES!!!

Girl 1: Jennifer, why on earth would you do that?

Jennifer: Because you guys! Robert is my boo!

[waiter arrives]

Waiter: Who ordered the beef burrito?

Jennifer: Me.

Waiter: All right. There you are.[sets plate down] Andwho ordered the beef tacos?

Jennifer: That’s me too. Bean burrito and bean taco.Oh my God, you guys, I don’t know what I’m gonnado.[bites into the bean taco]This is so good![laughsand then ugly cries with a mouth full of taco]Youguys, I’m just gonna go. I always ruin brunch!

Girls: No, no! Don’t go.

Jennifer: You guys are the best friends ever.Listen,[bites into burrito]he’s a turd. And he leadsme to believe that we really got it going on and thenI realize I’m just one of his many stops along bootyhighway! This taquitos are sheer heaven.[eats somemore and more sobbing cries]I just need to hop in myPT Cruiser, put the pedal to the metal and drive fastas I can to screw-somebody-else-ville![eats more taco,cries]Where is that freakin’…[looks over hershoulder]

Girl 2: Jennifer, are you okay?

Jennifer: That looks good. What did you get?

Girl 2: I got 2 chicken enchiladas.

Jennifer: Can I have you’re chicken enchiladas,please?[sad]I will totally buy you more!!

[Girl 2 gives Jennifer her plate]

Jennifer: Oh, Robert!, guacamole,[eats taco dipped inguacamole]salsa, Robert?! Taquitos![cries ans eats,mouth full] [Suspense music, shot of girls disturbed,uncomfortable faces]

Jennifer: Flautas, Robert![eats and ugly cries] PinotGrigio, Robert![eats and ugly cries]Beans! Oh my God!,guys. [mouth full of food]I’m sorry, I’m a mess!Listen, I’ll be right back. Can somebody be a a heroand order me a margarita and 2 more beef tacos?[Getsup and leaves]

Girl 1: Guys, can I just say, why is Jennifer such awreck?

Girl 2: Oh my God, you guys known her for like 6months, you guys and its always the same thing.

Shelley: You guys, I’m beginning to think Robertdoesn’t even exist.

Girl 1: This is really mean but….should we justleave?

Girl 2: Yeah.

[The 3 girls get up and leave. Jennifer comes back andsits back down]

Jennifer: Oh, they’re all probably outside having asmoke. [eats chip and cries] [Romantic music plays, man dressed like a member ofthe 60’s group The Monkees appears. Moe’s haircut,60’s attire, glasses]

Jennifer: Robert?!

[nasal voice]

Robert: Jennifeeer!

Jennifer: Robert, you get my messages?

Robert: Of course I did.

Jennifer: You’re not cross with me, are you?[bitestaco]

Robert: Oh, silly child.[sits next to Jennifer]I livefor your messages.

Jennifer: Robert, your the best. The best but I’m sucha mess.[hugs Robert]

Robert: Sshhhh, shhhh[kisses Jennifer passionately,tongue and all] [The 3 girls look down at Jennifer’s happy ending andsmile from the baranda of a little balcony on thecantina restaurant] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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