SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: Mexican Restaurant

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Mexican Restaurant

Jennifer….John C. Reilly
Robert….Fred Armisen
Shelley….Kristen Wiig
Girl 1….Maya Rudolph
Girl 2….Amy Poehler
Waiter….Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a Mexican cantina style restaurant. Threegirlfriends are enjoying their meals. Chips and salsa,margaritas etc.]

Girl 1: Oh my God!, you guys, how much fun was thatparty last night?

Girl 2: Oh my God! It was so fun. Oh, my God! Can Ijust say you guys, how hung over you guys were!

Girl 1: Oh, I am so hung over.

Girl 2: I know.

Shelley: Oh my God. How crazy is it that I woke up thismorning in just my turtleneck.

[Girls laugh. At the end of the table is emotionalblondie Jennifer]

Jennifer: Oh my God! That is so funny, Shelly. Howcrazy are you?!

Shelley: I know.

[Girl 1 eats chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, you guys. I could seriously liveon chips and salsa.

Jennifer: I know, right? I do live on chips and salsa.

[Jennifer laughs then ugly cries holding up a chip]

Girl 1: Oh my God, Jennifer, what is it?

Jennifer: Nothing you guys. I’m good. You guys, listento this. This is funny. Last night I drank 27 butterynipples.[Laughs and cries bitterly] And I totallycalled Robert!!

Girls: Jennifer! Oh, no!

Jennifer: I’m okay.[cries]and then I had a glass ofPort and then I found a bottle of Pinot Griggio in mytrunk and I drank that and that’s kind of funny,right? [giggles and then cries]And then I calledRobert again!!!

Girls: No!!

Jennifer: YES!!!

Girl 1: Jennifer, why on earth would you do that?

Jennifer: Because you guys! Robert is my boo!

[waiter arrives]

Waiter: Who ordered the beef burrito?

Jennifer: Me.

Waiter: All right. There you are.[sets plate down] Andwho ordered the beef tacos?

Jennifer: That’s me too. Bean burrito and bean taco.Oh my God, you guys, I don’t know what I’m gonnado.[bites into the bean taco]This is so good![laughsand then ugly cries with a mouth full of taco]Youguys, I’m just gonna go. I always ruin brunch!

Girls: No, no! Don’t go.

Jennifer: You guys are the best friends ever.Listen,[bites into burrito]he’s a turd. And he leadsme to believe that we really got it going on and thenI realize I’m just one of his many stops along bootyhighway! This taquitos are sheer heaven.[eats somemore and more sobbing cries]I just need to hop in myPT Cruiser, put the pedal to the metal and drive fastas I can to screw-somebody-else-ville![eats more taco,cries]Where is that freakin’…[looks over hershoulder]

Girl 2: Jennifer, are you okay?

Jennifer: That looks good. What did you get?

Girl 2: I got 2 chicken enchiladas.

Jennifer: Can I have you’re chicken enchiladas,please?[sad]I will totally buy you more!!

[Girl 2 gives Jennifer her plate]

Jennifer: Oh, Robert!, guacamole,[eats taco dipped inguacamole]salsa, Robert?! Taquitos![cries ans eats,mouth full] [Suspense music, shot of girls disturbed,uncomfortable faces]

Jennifer: Flautas, Robert![eats and ugly cries] PinotGrigio, Robert![eats and ugly cries]Beans! Oh my God!,guys. [mouth full of food]I’m sorry, I’m a mess!Listen, I’ll be right back. Can somebody be a a heroand order me a margarita and 2 more beef tacos?[Getsup and leaves]

Girl 1: Guys, can I just say, why is Jennifer such awreck?

Girl 2: Oh my God, you guys known her for like 6months, you guys and its always the same thing.

Shelley: You guys, I’m beginning to think Robertdoesn’t even exist.

Girl 1: This is really mean but….should we justleave?

Girl 2: Yeah.

[The 3 girls get up and leave. Jennifer comes back andsits back down]

Jennifer: Oh, they’re all probably outside having asmoke. [eats chip and cries] [Romantic music plays, man dressed like a member ofthe 60’s group The Monkees appears. Moe’s haircut,60’s attire, glasses]

Jennifer: Robert?!

[nasal voice]

Robert: Jennifeeer!

Jennifer: Robert, you get my messages?

Robert: Of course I did.

Jennifer: You’re not cross with me, are you?[bitestaco]

Robert: Oh, silly child.[sits next to Jennifer]I livefor your messages.

Jennifer: Robert, your the best. The best but I’m sucha mess.[hugs Robert]

Robert: Sshhhh, shhhh[kisses Jennifer passionately,tongue and all] [The 3 girls look down at Jennifer’s happy ending andsmile from the baranda of a little balcony on thecantina restaurant] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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