SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: An SNL Digital Short


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

An SNL Digital Short

Harpoon Man…..John C. Reilly
Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ open on Harpoon Man stalking through Central Park ]

Announcer: [ spoken ]“He was a whaler in Alaska
‘Til bad guys killed his family.
Now, he’s in the big city looking for vengeance
And they call him:”

[ Harpoon Man poses in front of title ]

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ cut to Harpoon Man stalking through the city, as the occasional split-screen reveals a close-up on the Announcer’s lips ]

Announcer: Harpoon Man. The only dude who wields a big-ass harpoon, and knows how to use it.

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: Yeaaaaahh.. looking good, Harpoon Man!

[ show Harpoon Man doing his fight moves ]

Announcer: [ singing Shaft-style ]”He’s a cool customer, with moves that’ll make your head spin!
But don’t you cross him, he got his name for a rea-son!”

[ Harpoon Man throws his harpoon through a street punk’s chest ]

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: [ singing ] “And the ladies – whoo, the ladies, they know all about him!”

[ ladies crowd around Harpoon Man ]

Announcer: [ singing ] “And don’t you judge is pre-ma-tuuuuure ejaculation!”

[ the ladies slink away ]

Announcer: [ spoken ] Don’t worry, Harpoon Man. It happens to lots of guys.

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: And you don’t mind, ’cause you get aaaallll the ladies.

[ Harpoon Man grins, pleased ] [ show Harpoon Man using his harpoon to jump over a sleeping bum ]

Announcer: [ singing ] “He gets the ladies, even though they know that he is gay!He’s super-handsome, and everyone has boned his wife!”

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ show Harpoon Man’s wife eating lunch by a pond ]

Announcer: [ spoken ] I know from experience, because I’ve boned her – in Harpoon Man’s bed!

[ Harpoon Man enters scene and throws his harpoon through his wife’s chest ] [ cut to Harpoon Man jumping in front of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: And what’s up with your face? Ugghhhh!

[ Harpoon Man tumbles across the inside lobby floor ]

Announcer: You look like a six-foot leprechaun, with no wiener!

[ Harpoon Man stalks through the interior halls of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: Oh, what? Are you getting mad, Harpoon Man?

[ Harpoon Man peeks inside open doorways ]

Announcer: You’re never gonna find me!

[ Harpoon stalks through a door frame, tripping on the carpet ]

Announcer: Whoop! You tripped! Watch your step, moron! [ laughs maniacally ] [ Harpoon Man presses elevator button ]

Announcer: Harpoon Man never came out and said it, but I’m pretty sure he’s a bigot!

[ Harpoon Man stalks through the halls of Studio 8-H ]

Announcer: I mean, seriously – he’s so gay, I heard he breastfed on his daddy’s nipples!

[ Harpoon Man spots the announcer, dressed as a whale, in the announcer’s booth ]

Announcer: Ha ha ha! Thank you! Thank you!

[ the Announcer looks up and notices Harpoon Man is now in the booth with him ]

Harpoon Man: Gotcha!

Announcer: [ casually ] Heeeeeyyyyy, man!

[ Harpoon Man jabs hias harpoon into the announcer’s chest, and twists ] [ with a sing-song ] Breakfaaaaaaaasssssttttt!!

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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