SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: An SNL Digital Short

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

An SNL Digital Short

Harpoon Man…..John C. Reilly
Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ] [ open on Harpoon Man stalking through Central Park ]

Announcer: [ spoken ]“He was a whaler in Alaska
‘Til bad guys killed his family.
Now, he’s in the big city looking for vengeance
And they call him:”

[ Harpoon Man poses in front of title ]

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ cut to Harpoon Man stalking through the city, as the occasional split-screen reveals a close-up on the Announcer’s lips ]

Announcer: Harpoon Man. The only dude who wields a big-ass harpoon, and knows how to use it.

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: Yeaaaaahh.. looking good, Harpoon Man!

[ show Harpoon Man doing his fight moves ]

Announcer: [ singing Shaft-style ]”He’s a cool customer, with moves that’ll make your head spin!
But don’t you cross him, he got his name for a rea-son!”

[ Harpoon Man throws his harpoon through a street punk’s chest ]

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: [ singing ] “And the ladies – whoo, the ladies, they know all about him!”

[ ladies crowd around Harpoon Man ]

Announcer: [ singing ] “And don’t you judge is pre-ma-tuuuuure ejaculation!”

[ the ladies slink away ]

Announcer: [ spoken ] Don’t worry, Harpoon Man. It happens to lots of guys.

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

Announcer: And you don’t mind, ’cause you get aaaallll the ladies.

[ Harpoon Man grins, pleased ] [ show Harpoon Man using his harpoon to jump over a sleeping bum ]

Announcer: [ singing ] “He gets the ladies, even though they know that he is gay!He’s super-handsome, and everyone has boned his wife!”

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ show Harpoon Man’s wife eating lunch by a pond ]

Announcer: [ spoken ] I know from experience, because I’ve boned her – in Harpoon Man’s bed!

[ Harpoon Man enters scene and throws his harpoon through his wife’s chest ] [ cut to Harpoon Man jumping in front of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: And what’s up with your face? Ugghhhh!

[ Harpoon Man tumbles across the inside lobby floor ]

Announcer: You look like a six-foot leprechaun, with no wiener!

[ Harpoon Man stalks through the interior halls of 30 Rockefeller Center ]

Announcer: Oh, what? Are you getting mad, Harpoon Man?

[ Harpoon Man peeks inside open doorways ]

Announcer: You’re never gonna find me!

[ Harpoon stalks through a door frame, tripping on the carpet ]

Announcer: Whoop! You tripped! Watch your step, moron! [ laughs maniacally ] [ Harpoon Man presses elevator button ]

Announcer: Harpoon Man never came out and said it, but I’m pretty sure he’s a bigot!

[ Harpoon Man stalks through the halls of Studio 8-H ]

Announcer: I mean, seriously – he’s so gay, I heard he breastfed on his daddy’s nipples!

[ Harpoon Man spots the announcer, dressed as a whale, in the announcer’s booth ]

Announcer: Ha ha ha! Thank you! Thank you!

[ the Announcer looks up and notices Harpoon Man is now in the booth with him ]

Harpoon Man: Gotcha!

Announcer: [ casually ] Heeeeeyyyyy, man!

[ Harpoon Man jabs hias harpoon into the announcer’s chest, and twists ] [ with a sing-song ] Breakfaaaaaaaasssssttttt!!

Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”

[ fade ]

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