Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 3
06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance
An SNL Digital Short
Harpoon Man…..John C. Reilly
Announcer…..Andy Samberg
[ tag (over black screen): “An SNL Digital Short” ]
[ open on Harpoon Man stalking through Central Park ]
Announcer: [ spoken ]
“He was a whaler in Alaska
‘Til bad guys killed his family.
Now, he’s in the big city looking for vengeance
And they call him:”
[ Harpoon Man poses in front of title ]
Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”
[ cut to Harpoon Man stalking through the city, as the occasional split-screen reveals a close-up on the Announcer’s lips ]
Announcer: Harpoon Man. The only dude who wields a big-ass harpoon, and knows how to use it.
Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”
Announcer: Yeaaaaahh.. looking good, Harpoon Man!
[ show Harpoon Man doing his fight moves ]
Announcer: [ singing Shaft-style ]”He’s a cool customer, with moves that’ll make your head spin!
But don’t you cross him, he got his name for a rea-son!”
[ Harpoon Man throws his harpoon through a street punk’s chest ]
Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”
Announcer: [ singing ] “And the ladies – whoo, the ladies, they know all about him!”
[ ladies crowd around Harpoon Man ]
Announcer: [ singing ] “And don’t you judge is pre-ma-tuuuuure ejaculation!”
[ the ladies slink away ]
Announcer: [ spoken ] Don’t worry, Harpoon Man. It happens to lots of guys.
Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”
Announcer: And you don’t mind, ’cause you get aaaallll the ladies.
[ Harpoon Man grins, pleased ]
[ show Harpoon Man using his harpoon to jump over a sleeping bum ]
Announcer: [ singing ] “He gets the ladies, even though they know that he is gay!He’s super-handsome, and everyone has boned his wife!”
Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”
[ show Harpoon Man’s wife eating lunch by a pond ]
Announcer: [ spoken ] I know from experience, because I’ve boned her – in Harpoon Man’s bed!
[ Harpoon Man enters scene and throws his harpoon through his wife’s chest ]
[ cut to Harpoon Man jumping in front of 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Announcer: And what’s up with your face? Ugghhhh!
[ Harpoon Man tumbles across the inside lobby floor ]
Announcer: You look like a six-foot leprechaun, with no wiener!
[ Harpoon Man stalks through the interior halls of 30 Rockefeller Center ]
Announcer: Oh, what? Are you getting mad, Harpoon Man?
[ Harpoon Man peeks inside open doorways ]
Announcer: You’re never gonna find me!
[ Harpoon stalks through a door frame, tripping on the carpet ]
Announcer: Whoop! You tripped! Watch your step, moron! [ laughs maniacally ]
[ Harpoon Man presses elevator button ]
Announcer: Harpoon Man never came out and said it, but I’m pretty sure he’s a bigot!
[ Harpoon Man stalks through the halls of Studio 8-H ]
Announcer: I mean, seriously – he’s so gay, I heard he breastfed on his daddy’s nipples!
[ Harpoon Man spots the announcer, dressed as a whale, in the announcer’s booth ]
Announcer: Ha ha ha! Thank you! Thank you!
[ the Announcer looks up and notices Harpoon Man is now in the booth with him ]
Harpoon Man: Gotcha!
Announcer: [ casually ] Heeeeeyyyyy, man!
[ Harpoon Man jabs hias harpoon into the announcer’s chest, and twists ]
[ with a sing-song ] Breakfaaaaaaaasssssttttt!!
Female Voice: [ singing ] “Harpoon Man!”
[ fade ]
