SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: Swimming Lesson


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 3

06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Swimming Lesson

Doug Frangelo….John C. Reilly
Terry James….Will Forte
Guy on the bench….Andy Samberg

[Opens with a guy in a red cap,goggles and a robe on apublic swimming pool. There’s a guy on a benchtoweling off]

Terry James: Excuse me. I’m looking for Doug Frangelo.I’m supposed to get a swimming lesson from him andhe’s supposedly the best in the world. Do you knowwhere I can find him?

: Let’s see….

[A blond, moustached guy appears wearing nothing but ablue speedo and yellow sort of girdle-life jacket,yellow wristbands. He is out of shape but he shows offand stretches anyway]

Terry James: Never mind. I think I just found him. Dough Frangelo?

Doug Frangelo: Who wants to know?

Terry James: I’m Terry James. We talked on the phone.

Doug Frangelo: Oh, yeah. You’re the guy who wants togo for the gold in Beijing.

Terry James: I know. It’s crazy, right? An average Joewith no swimming experience wants to compete in theOlympics. What have I been smoking, right?

Doug Frangelo: You’ve been smoking dream dust. AndDoug Frangelo is about to turn it into reality dust.Ok? So are you ready to go? Ok, let’s take off thatrobe. You heard me.

Terry James: I got to be honest, Doug. I’m a littleintimidated. I mean, my God! Look at your body.

[Doug shows off his flabby physique, stretching, bending]

Doug Frangelo: It really is something, isn’t it? Now drop that robe.

[Terry disrobes, he is slimmer than Doug but soft too. Multicolor speedo, Doug examines Terry’s body and pats him in the ass]

Doug Frangelo: You have a great, great, great body for swimming!

Terry James: I’m sure you say that to everyone.

Doug Frangelo: No, I don’t. I have never, ever saidthat to anyone. Except for my wife. 1948 goldmedalist, Greta Anderson.

Terry James: 1948? That’s quite an age difference.

Doug Frangelo: Age is just a number. Besides, the mostimportant number in our relationship is 69. You knowwhat I’m getting at?

Terry James: I think so.

Doug Frangelo: You know that term, “If there’s grasson the field then play ball”.

Terry James: Sure.

Doug Frangelo: Well, there’s still grass on that fieldand I intend to play ball until the person that that grass is on is dead.

Terry James: Good for you.

Doug Frangelo: Now, let’s get you strapped in.

Terry James: Strapped in?

Doug Frangelo: Are you questioning me?

Terry James: No.

Doug Frangelo: Strap in!!

[Terry turns around and puts his back pressed tightagainst Doug’s chest. Doug straps him in to his girdleand locks Terry’s wrists to his yellow wristbands]

Doug Frangelo: Now, let’s walk it out a little bit,let’s walk out. Just move a little.[They walk aroundthe edge of the pool together]Let me get to know yourmuscles. All right. I like what I’m feeling. Do youlike what you’re feeling?

Terry James: I guess.

Doug Frangelo: Ok, buddy. You ready to do some swimming?

Terry James: Sure.

Doug Frangelo: This is called the crawl stroke. AKAfreestyle. Get to know it. This is gonna be your bestfriend. All right, there you.[They move their strappedin arms as if swimming freestyle together]Um, yes.Good job. He likes you.

Terry James: Who likes me?

Doug Frangelo: The crawl stroke. Oh, yeah. Rightthere. Good swing.

Terry James: Don’t we need to get into the pool?

Doug Frangelo: No, no. Before I take a ship out to seaI like to dry-dock it for a little bit and check outthe hull. Ok, let’s shift to butterfly, ok? The motionof the butterfly in like shutting your car trunk. So,let’s go! Shut that car trunk.[They make the motion ofthe butterfly together] Wham! Yeah! Shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly] Yeah, you’re doinggreat. Hey, did a little butterfly just fly into theroom and attached himself to me? Seriously, you’redoing great! If the swimming thing doesn’t pan out Ithink you can make a fortune as a car trunk shutter!Yeah, now before we move on to the next stroke….giveme a second I just gotta adjust my penis.

Terry James:[Terry wiggles around]Wait, wait, wait.

Doug Frangelo: Listen, buddy.[on his ear] Thanks for the assist.

Terry James: I just…I don’t know if this is workingout, I thought I was gonna get more pool time than this.

Doug Frangelo: Terry, you’ll get plenty of pool timeafter you mastered the land fundamentals.

Terry James: And when will that be?

Doug Frangelo: Like 2 or 3 years tops.

Terry James: Ok, that’s it. I quit!

Doug Frangelo: Nobody is quitting on my watch!

Terry James: Let me go!

[Grunting and panting, they struggle, Doug from behindtries to overpower Terry]

Doug Frangelo: Come here you! Hold on! If you fight isgoing to get tighter, it’s like a Gordian knot![Terryis losing strenght]There you go. Is the fight out ofyou yet?!![Terry is spread eagle while standing upagainst Doug body]You know who you remind me of right now?

Terry James: Who?

Doug Frangelo: Amanda Beard. She thought land trainingwas stupid too until it landed her a gold medal.

Terry James: You trained Amanda Beard?

Doug Frangelo: No, no. You ready to do this?

Terry James: Let’s DO IT!!!

Announcer: Thus beganthe first leg of the greatest story in swimminghistory.[Doug and Terry do bunny rabbit jumps togetheracross the screen]Exactly one year later, Terryfinally hit the pool where he sank immediately andlapsed into a coma. But 40 years after that[Doug andTerry backwards swimming across the screen]Terry cameout of that coma resumed his training and took thegold medal at the 2048 Coma Survivors Olympicsin—you guessed it-Tel Aviv.[Doug and Terry one legand one arm up and down across the screen]By the way,in the future, the gold and bronze medals swappedplaces and the gold signified a third placefinish.[Doug and Terry do the robot across thescreen]But Terry never said first place, he said gold!Were you paying attention?

[fade] [cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far! Be the first to rate this post.

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Notify of
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x