Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 3
Doug Frangelo….John C. Reilly
Terry James….Will Forte
Guy on the bench….Andy Samberg
Terry James: Excuse me. I’m looking for Doug Frangelo.I’m supposed to get a swimming lesson from him andhe’s supposedly the best in the world. Do you knowwhere I can find him?
: Let’s see….[A blond, moustached guy appears wearing nothing but ablue speedo and yellow sort of girdle-life jacket,yellow wristbands. He is out of shape but he shows offand stretches anyway]
Terry James: Never mind. I think I just found him. Dough Frangelo?
Doug Frangelo: Who wants to know?
Terry James: I’m Terry James. We talked on the phone.
Doug Frangelo: Oh, yeah. You’re the guy who wants togo for the gold in Beijing.
Terry James: I know. It’s crazy, right? An average Joewith no swimming experience wants to compete in theOlympics. What have I been smoking, right?
Doug Frangelo: You’ve been smoking dream dust. AndDoug Frangelo is about to turn it into reality dust.Ok? So are you ready to go? Ok, let’s take off thatrobe. You heard me.
Terry James: I got to be honest, Doug. I’m a littleintimidated. I mean, my God! Look at your body.
Doug Frangelo: It really is something, isn’t it? Now drop that robe.[Terry disrobes, he is slimmer than Doug but soft too. Multicolor speedo, Doug examines Terry’s body and pats him in the ass]
Doug Frangelo: You have a great, great, great body for swimming!
Terry James: I’m sure you say that to everyone.
Doug Frangelo: No, I don’t. I have never, ever saidthat to anyone. Except for my wife. 1948 goldmedalist, Greta Anderson.
Terry James: 1948? That’s quite an age difference.
Doug Frangelo: Age is just a number. Besides, the mostimportant number in our relationship is 69. You knowwhat I’m getting at?
Terry James: I think so.
Doug Frangelo: You know that term, “If there’s grasson the field then play ball”.
Terry James: Sure.
Doug Frangelo: Well, there’s still grass on that fieldand I intend to play ball until the person that that grass is on is dead.
Terry James: Good for you.
Doug Frangelo: Now, let’s get you strapped in.
Terry James: Strapped in?
Doug Frangelo: Are you questioning me?
Terry James: No.
Doug Frangelo: Strap in!![Terry turns around and puts his back pressed tightagainst Doug’s chest. Doug straps him in to his girdleand locks Terry’s wrists to his yellow wristbands]
Doug Frangelo: Now, let’s walk it out a little bit,let’s walk out. Just move a little.[They walk aroundthe edge of the pool together]Let me get to know yourmuscles. All right. I like what I’m feeling. Do youlike what you’re feeling?
Terry James: I guess.
Doug Frangelo: Ok, buddy. You ready to do some swimming?
Terry James: Sure.
Doug Frangelo: This is called the crawl stroke. AKAfreestyle. Get to know it. This is gonna be your bestfriend. All right, there you.[They move their strappedin arms as if swimming freestyle together]Um, yes.Good job. He likes you.
Terry James: Who likes me?
Doug Frangelo: The crawl stroke. Oh, yeah. Rightthere. Good swing.
Terry James: Don’t we need to get into the pool?
Doug Frangelo: No, no. Before I take a ship out to seaI like to dry-dock it for a little bit and check outthe hull. Ok, let’s shift to butterfly, ok? The motionof the butterfly in like shutting your car trunk. So,let’s go! Shut that car trunk.[They make the motion ofthe butterfly together] Wham! Yeah! Shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly],shut that cartrunk![motion of the butterfly] Yeah, you’re doinggreat. Hey, did a little butterfly just fly into theroom and attached himself to me? Seriously, you’redoing great! If the swimming thing doesn’t pan out Ithink you can make a fortune as a car trunk shutter!Yeah, now before we move on to the next stroke….giveme a second I just gotta adjust my penis.
Terry James:[Terry wiggles around]Wait, wait, wait.
Doug Frangelo: Listen, buddy.[on his ear] Thanks for the assist.
Terry James: I just…I don’t know if this is workingout, I thought I was gonna get more pool time than this.
Doug Frangelo: Terry, you’ll get plenty of pool timeafter you mastered the land fundamentals.
Terry James: And when will that be?
Doug Frangelo: Like 2 or 3 years tops.
Terry James: Ok, that’s it. I quit!
Doug Frangelo: Nobody is quitting on my watch!
Terry James: Let me go![Grunting and panting, they struggle, Doug from behindtries to overpower Terry]
Doug Frangelo: Come here you! Hold on! If you fight isgoing to get tighter, it’s like a Gordian knot![Terryis losing strenght]There you go. Is the fight out ofyou yet?!![Terry is spread eagle while standing upagainst Doug body]You know who you remind me of right now?
Terry James: Who?
Doug Frangelo: Amanda Beard. She thought land trainingwas stupid too until it landed her a gold medal.
Terry James: You trained Amanda Beard?
Doug Frangelo: No, no. You ready to do this?
Terry James: Let’s DO IT!!!
Announcer: Thus beganthe first leg of the greatest story in swimminghistory.[Doug and Terry do bunny rabbit jumps togetheracross the screen]Exactly one year later, Terryfinally hit the pool where he sank immediately andlapsed into a coma. But 40 years after that[Doug andTerry backwards swimming across the screen]Terry cameout of that coma resumed his training and took thegold medal at the 2048 Coma Survivors Olympicsin—you guessed it-Tel Aviv.[Doug and Terry one legand one arm up and down across the screen]By the way,in the future, the gold and bronze medals swappedplaces and the gold signified a third placefinish.[Doug and Terry do the robot across thescreen]But Terry never said first place, he said gold!Were you paying attention?[fade] [cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel