SNL Transcripts: John C. Reilly: 10/21/06: Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 3


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06c: John C. Reilly / My Chemical Romance

Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers

…..Amy Poehler
…..Seth Meyers
Flavor Flav…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”

Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories.

U.S. Intelligence, this week, confirmed North Korea’s claim that it exploded a nuclear bomb inside a mountain. This officially makes North Korea a nuclear threat, but only if they can lower their enemies dep inside a mountain.

On Tuesday, the U.S. population hit 300 million. “Oh, that’s so cute!” said China.

Seth Meyers: If recent polls are correct, and Democrats win back control of the House and Senate, President Bush’s administration will be transformed into an early lame duck. Worse, Cheney will then shoot it.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair joined a passionate, and increasingly contentious, debate on Tuesday over the full-faced veils worn by some British Muslim women, calling it “a mark of separation.” Yeah, why can’t they just wear something normal, like a three-foot furry turd hat?

Amy Poehler: In an effort to cut 750 million dollars from its budget next year, NBC plans to air fewer comedies and dramas, which are expensive to produce, and air cheaper reality shows and game shows. So, get ready for NBC’s newest hit, “Who Wants a Roll of Pennies!”

President Bush acknowledged, Friday, that the situation in Iraq was tough, and siad he would consutl with American generals to see if a change in tactics was necessary to combat the escalating violence. Then he made some clicking sounds, said he had another call coming in, and hung up the phone.

Seth Meyers: Last sunday, six million people tuned in to the season finale of “Flavor of Love,” Flava Flav’s reality-dating show, making it the highest rated show in VH-1 history. Joining us to tell us what he’s up to now – Flavor Flav!

Flavor Flav: Yeahhhhhhhh!! Ha ha ha! Flavor Flav! Yo, what up, jig?

Seth Meyers: Oh, it’s great to see you, Flav. Uh – congratulations on your show’s success —

Flavor Flav: Yeah!

Seth Meyers: Uh – what are you up to now?

Flavor Flav: Thank you. Yo, you know what I’m sayin’ – Flavor’s just chillin’, you know what I’m sayin’? And, um, I’m gearin’ up for da midterm elections. Yeah.

Seth Meyers: Really? You’re into politics, Flav?

Flavor Flav: Oh, yeah, boi! My fear is dat da youth of America aren’t payin’ attention to politics. I mean, I believe we need to find a way to regain their focus and attention. Therefore, I’m givin’ all politicians nicknames! Let’s go, here we go! [ Nancy Palosi headshot appears behind Flavor Flav ] Nancy Palosi, first up! Alright, let me see, um.. she got a little soft bottom, so I’m gonna call her “Cushin’ Tushin'”! Yeah!

[ Katharine Harris headshot ] Okay. Next up is Katharine Harris. Alright, um.. I see she’s kinda top-heavy. so.. I’m gonna call her “Rack Attack”! Yeah – Rack Attack!

[ Dianne Feinstein headshot ] Next up – who’s that? Oh, that’s Dianne Feinstein. That’s Dianne Feinstein right there, I got no poblems with Dianne Feinstein! Lemme see, um.. she’s grey on top.. probably white down below.. s I’m gonna call her “Santa Claus”! [ gives a thimbs-up ] Santa Claus, yeah!

[ Barbara Boxer headshot ] Whoooo!! Barbara Boxer! Damn, boi! Lemme see, um.. she looks a lot like Nancy Palosi.. so, uh.. I’m gonna call her “Nancy Palosi”! Yeah!

[ male politician headshot ] Lemme see. I don’t know who dat is. [ male politican headshot ] I don’t know who dat is. [ Barack Obama headshot ] I don’t know who dat is.

Seth Meyers: You don’t.. know who Barack Obama is?

Flavor Flav: I don’t like the politic-os – I like the politic-hoes! [ gives a thumbs-up ] Yeah, dawgs!

Amy Poehler: Oh, this is fun! This is fun, Flavor Flav! I want a nickname, too!

Flavor Flav: [ excited ] Oh, I didn’t see you! Lemme see, um.. you got the blonde hair on top.. kinda funny.. I’m gonna call you “Barney Rubble” Yeah! Barney Rubble! That’s what’s up!

Amy Poehler: Great! That’s great!

Seth Meyers: Alright, what about me?

Flavor Flav: You “Mr. Nancy Palosi”.

Seth Meyers: Alright, I like it. Flavor flav, everyone!

Flavor Flav: Yeahhhhhh!!! Flavvvvv!!

Amy Poehler: Thank you, Mr. Flav.

The DEA is saying a new drug trend rising in popularity in the South is syrup, which is a concoction that is a cough syrup mixed with a sports drink. That’s weird. My mother used to call that “nap juice.”

Seth Meyers: It was reported that Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid has been using campaign donations instead of his personal money to pay Christmas bonuses for the support staff at the Ritz-Carlton where he lives. It’s part of the Democrats’ “Operation: Blow It Again.”

Because of a back rent dispute, the legendary punk rock club CBGB’s permanently shut down on Sunday. While the club’s future plans are unclear, one thing is certain – they will not be getting back their security deposit. [ show image of grafitti-covered bathroom ]

Amy Poehler: In an open letter to the media, Madonna defended her adoption of a one-year old Malawian boy, saying she did not take the decision to adopt lightly. Madonna asserts that there was just something “really special about this little guy.” [ show image of baby wearing a cone bra ]

Cone bra!

Police in Spain said, Sunday, that more than 17,000 minks on fur farms in northern Spain were set free overnight. To get an idea what that much “free fur” looks like, visit Wellesley College on a Friday night!

Seth Meyers: A stingray in Florida leaped out of the water and stabbed an eighty-one year-old man in the chest on Wednesday. Even stranger, the stingray stabbed the man with a screwdriver.

In November, voters in Nevada and Colorado will decide whether to remove all penalties for adults twenty-one or older, possessing up to an ounce of marijuana, which, if approved, would make the states the leaders in the movement to legalize the drug. [ turns his head ] That’s pretty interesting, huh, Amy?

[ Amy has disappered, leaving a “Colorado or Bust” cardboard sign on her chair in her absence ]

Seth Meyers: [ reaches over ] She left a note.

[ Seth looks at the note, as Amy’s voice narrates its text over the sound of a harmonica ]

Amy Poehler V/O: “Mah dearest Seth: It pains me that I did not get a chance to say goodbye.” [ Seth holds his hand to his chest ] “But you’ve known since you met me that I would gladly trade our friendship for an ounce of hassle-free weed.” [ Seth nods his head knowingly ] “Sincerely yours, Amy. P.S.: I stole your wallet.” [Seth frowns ] “P.P.S.: I also stole your car –” [ Seth crumples the note, as Amy’s voice becomes muffled. He then opens the note back up. ] “–and I just crashed your car.” [ Seth again crumples the note, as Amy’s voice becomes muffled. He then reopens the note. ] “Sorry!”

Seth Meyers: [ smiles ] That’s sweet! [ looks offstage reflectively, then turns to do the next joke ]

Lance Armstrong is denying rumors that he had a homosexual affiar with Matthew McConaughey after he broke up with Sheryl Crow. Said McConaughey: [ in his Matthew McConaughey voice ] Hey. The dude’s only got one nut! The way I count, that makes him a chick! Alright, alright, alright!”

Mike Tyson has proposed a boxing match between him and Ann Wolf, a female middleweight boxer. Many believe the bout would be similar to Bobby Riggs and Billie Jean King’s famed battle of the sexes, but only if Billie Jean King had been punched to death.

Amy Poehler: Rapper Fabulous was shot, early Tuesday, after leaving a Manhattan restaurant. His condition was upgraded from criticalous to stableous.

After twenty-years, and sales of nearly seven million cars, Frod has announced that it will no longer make the Taurus, forcing many thirty-somethings to find a new way to show the world they’ve given up on their dreams.

Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Myers!

Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

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