SNL Transcripts: Hugh Laurie: 10/28/06: American Medical Association


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

American Medical Association

Doctor…..Will Forte
Nurse…..Maya Rudolph
Dallas Rivers…..Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Rivers…..Hugh Laurie

[ open on exterior, Emergency Hospital voices in the background ] [ dissolve to the emergency room, where Dallas Rivers and his wife chatter as the Doctor enters ]

Doctor: Mr. Dallas Rivers?

Dallas Rivers: [ glares at the Doctor ] Who wants to know?

Doctor: Me. Uh.. I’m the attending Doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: [ as she files her scraggly nails ] Baby, you don’t have to tell them your name!

Doctor: Well.. it’s on your chart here.

Dallas Rivers: So?!

Doctor: So.. it looks like your leg is broken.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, it is, huh? And who told you that?

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Who told you that!

Doctor: Well, I’ve seen many of these before, I’m, uh.. I’m a doctor.

Mrs. Rivers: Uh — doc-tor!

Dallas Rivers: Uh, yeah. Well, here you go! [ whips out his wallet, fans his cash ] Here you go! Take it all right now! There it is, there you go!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Take it ALL!

Doctor: Sir, I don’t know what kind of doctors you’ve had in the past, but I’m the resident Doctor.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, yeah? Well, let me ask you something.

Mrs. Rivers: Ask him something!

Dallas Rivers: [ sighs ] Why do you call what you do.. a practice?

Mrs. Rivers: Because.. they’re just practicing.

Dallas Rivers: Mmm-hmm! Mmm hmm hmm! [ they twiddle their fingers together ]

Mrs. Rivers: Oh! Oh, oh ohh! [ laughs ]

Dallas Rivers: You damn right, baby. [ to Doctor ] You know what? Call me when you ready to stop practicing, and do this for real. [ turns back to his wife ] Anyway, as I was sayin’ —

Doctor: Okay, what I need is —

[ the Nurse enters ]

Nurse: Mr. Rivers, if we could just get your address and Social Security Number..

Dallas Rivers: Ohh! Here we go. Time to put me in the SYSTEM!!

Mrs. Rivers: He didn’t do NOTHIN’!!

Dallas Rivers: Ah, it’s ON, now! First they get your SOCIAL! Then, the next thing you know, there’s gonna be a strange black VAN parked on the corner of my block, and the Girl Scout cookie girl’s gonna put a LIST’NIN’ device in my SA-MO-AS!!

Mrs. Rivers: Baby, don’t buy dem cookies!

Dallas Rivers: I WON’T!! I won’t NEVER BUY THOSE COOKIES!!!

[ the Doctor and Nurse are dumbstruck ]

Nurse: Fine. It’s your leg.

Mrs. Rivers: No! It’s your leg!

[ Dallas Rivers and his Wife laugh, and twiddle their fingers once more ]

Nurse: And who are you, Sir?

Mrs. Rivers: [ with great offense ] Sir?! I’m his wife!

[ the Nurse and Doctor look at one another with great confusion ]

Doctor: Mr. Rivers, I’m trying to help you, alright? We just need to get you X-rayed.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no! Nuh uh uh uh! You’re not gonna be shootin’ ME up with the voo-doo! I had one of your X-rays before, and you know what happened?

Mrs. Rivers: We can’t get pregnant.

Dallas Rivers: We.. can’t.. get.. pregnant! It’s a TRAGEDY!!

Mrs. Rivers: Mmm-hmm.

Doctor: Okay, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you just calm down.. I’m gonna give you 20ccs of Demerol.

Dallas Rivers: Oh, no no no no no!! You are not!! I know what this is!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas & Mrs. Rivers: [ together ] TUSK-EE-GEE!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!

Dallas Rivers: Look, man! Jusy get me six beers and a pint of Brass monkey, and let me up outta here!

Mrs. Rivers: Yeah. Let ‘im OUTTA here!!

Doctor: Okay, I can’t do that, you need medical attention.

Dallas Rivers: No, I don’t! Man, you know what I’m about to do is raise up right outta here right now, you know what I’m sayin’? C’mon, baby, let’s get outta here, this ain’t no hospital —

[ Dallas Rivers jumps to his feet and crashes facedown to the floor ]

Dallas Rivers: Agghhhh!!! Baby, my LEG IS BROKEN!!!

Mrs. Rivers: [ climbs on top of the bed ] Baby, no!


Mrs. Rivers: Oh, Sweetheart..


[ the Doctor and Nurse help Dallas Rivers into the hall, as Mrs. Rivers lingers behind. She pulls down her hiking miniskirt, as background music pots up. ]

Mrs. Rivers: Medicine.. is a noble science. Yet, every year, thousands of people deny themselves proper medical care because.. they don’t trust doctors. [ shrugs ] Maybe they’re crazy, maybe they’re ignorant. Or maybe their actual doctors just don’t measure up to the.. brilliant, the devestatingly handsome doctors that they see on television. [ she smiles up at the sky ] Whatever the reason, please trust your Doctor. Thank you!

[ Mrs. Rivers exits the room ] [ dissolve to title card: “Brought to you by the American Medical Association” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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