Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 4
American Medical Association
Dallas Rivers…..Kenan Thompson
Mrs. Rivers…..Hugh Laurie
[ open on exterior, Emergency Hospital voices in the background ]
[ dissolve to the emergency room, where Dallas Rivers and his wife chatter as the Doctor enters ]
Doctor: Mr. Dallas Rivers?
Dallas Rivers: [ glares at the Doctor ] Who wants to know?
Doctor: Me. Uh.. I’m the attending Doctor.
Mrs. Rivers: [ as she files her scraggly nails ] Baby, you don’t have to tell them your name!
Doctor: Well.. it’s on your chart here.
Dallas Rivers: So?!
Doctor: So.. it looks like your leg is broken.
Dallas Rivers: Oh, it is, huh? And who told you that?
Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Who told you that!
Doctor: Well, I’ve seen many of these before, I’m, uh.. I’m a doctor.
Mrs. Rivers: Uh — doc-tor!
Dallas Rivers: Uh, yeah. Well, here you go! [ whips out his wallet, fans his cash ] Here you go! Take it all right now! There it is, there you go!
Mrs. Rivers: Yeah! Take it ALL!
Doctor: Sir, I don’t know what kind of doctors you’ve had in the past, but I’m the resident Doctor.
Dallas Rivers: Oh, yeah? Well, let me ask you something.
Mrs. Rivers: Ask him something!
Dallas Rivers: [ sighs ] Why do you call what you do.. a practice?
Mrs. Rivers: Because.. they’re just practicing.
Dallas Rivers: Mmm-hmm! Mmm hmm hmm! [ they twiddle their fingers together ]
Mrs. Rivers: Oh! Oh, oh ohh! [ laughs ]
Dallas Rivers: You damn right, baby. [ to Doctor ] You know what? Call me when you ready to stop practicing, and do this for real. [ turns back to his wife ] Anyway, as I was sayin’ —
Doctor: Okay, what I need is —
[ the Nurse enters ]
Nurse: Mr. Rivers, if we could just get your address and Social Security Number..
Dallas Rivers: Ohh! Here we go. Time to put me in the SYSTEM!!
Mrs. Rivers: He didn’t do NOTHIN’!!
Dallas Rivers: Ah, it’s ON, now! First they get your SOCIAL! Then, the next thing you know, there’s gonna be a strange black VAN parked on the corner of my block, and the Girl Scout cookie girl’s gonna put a LIST’NIN’ device in my SA-MO-AS!!
Mrs. Rivers: Baby, don’t buy dem cookies!
Dallas Rivers: I WON’T!! I won’t NEVER BUY THOSE COOKIES!!!
[ the Doctor and Nurse are dumbstruck ]
Nurse: Fine. It’s your leg.
Mrs. Rivers: No! It’s your leg!
[ Dallas Rivers and his Wife laugh, and twiddle their fingers once more ]
Nurse: And who are you, Sir?
Mrs. Rivers: [ with great offense ] Sir?! I’m his wife!
[ the Nurse and Doctor look at one another with great confusion ]
Doctor: Mr. Rivers, I’m trying to help you, alright? We just need to get you X-rayed.
Dallas Rivers: Oh, no! Nuh uh uh uh! You’re not gonna be shootin’ ME up with the voo-doo! I had one of your X-rays before, and you know what happened?
Mrs. Rivers: We can’t get pregnant.
Dallas Rivers: We.. can’t.. get.. pregnant! It’s a TRAGEDY!!
Mrs. Rivers: Mmm-hmm.
Doctor: Okay, I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you just calm down.. I’m gonna give you 20ccs of Demerol.
Dallas Rivers: Oh, no no no no no!! You are not!! I know what this is!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!
Dallas & Mrs. Rivers: [ together ] TUSK-EE-GEE!! TUSK-EE-GEE!!
Dallas Rivers: Look, man! Jusy get me six beers and a pint of Brass monkey, and let me up outta here!
Mrs. Rivers: Yeah. Let ‘im OUTTA here!!
Doctor: Okay, I can’t do that, you need medical attention.
Dallas Rivers: No, I don’t! Man, you know what I’m about to do is raise up right outta here right now, you know what I’m sayin’? C’mon, baby, let’s get outta here, this ain’t no hospital —
[ Dallas Rivers jumps to his feet and crashes facedown to the floor ]
Dallas Rivers: Agghhhh!!! Baby, my LEG IS BROKEN!!!
Mrs. Rivers: [ climbs on top of the bed ] Baby, no!
Dallas Rivers: I NEED A DOCTOR!! I NEED A DOCTOR!!
Mrs. Rivers: Oh, Sweetheart..
Dallas Rivers: OH, DOCTOR!! THANK GOD YOU’RE HERE!!
[ the Doctor and Nurse help Dallas Rivers into the hall, as Mrs. Rivers lingers behind. She pulls down her hiking miniskirt, as background music pots up. ]
Mrs. Rivers: Medicine.. is a noble science. Yet, every year, thousands of people deny themselves proper medical care because.. they don’t trust doctors. [ shrugs ] Maybe they’re crazy, maybe they’re ignorant. Or maybe their actual doctors just don’t measure up to the.. brilliant, the devestatingly handsome doctors that they see on television. [ she smiles up at the sky ] Whatever the reason, please trust your Doctor. Thank you!
[ Mrs. Rivers exits the room ]
[ dissolve to title card: “Brought to you by the American Medical Association” ]
[ fade ]