Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 4
Kazakhstan Ministry of Information
…..Lorne Michaels
Borat…..Sacha Baron Cohen
Azamat…..Ken Davitian
[ open on Lorne Michaels sitting in a leather chair next to a lamp and endtable ]
Lorne Michaels: Good evening, I’m Lorne Michaels. [ audience applaulds wildly ] Recently, the NBC Television Network has experienced sweeping budget cuts. These cuts have been severe. [ reaches over to pour a glass of brandy from a crystal flask ] And all of us have been forced to make sacrifices. [ drinks, enjoys ] In an effort to conform to thse budget cuts, we have sold the first five minutes of “Saturday Night Live” to a foreign government. These are tough times, we do what we can.
[ the audience cheers prematurely, as the adjacent stage lights go up early and reveal the special guest star. Amidst this cheering, Lorne’s second budget cut barely goes noticed, as a page hands him an overstuffed sandwich. ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to the page ] Thanks. [ as the cheering dies down ] So, now, enjoy this paid address from the Kaka– Kazza– [ laughs ] Kazakhstan Ministry of Information!
[ dissolve to “Kazakhstan Ministry of Information Presents” logo ]
[ cut to Borat standing in front of a “Visit Kazakhstan” poster, with Azamat standing idly in the background ]
Borat: Jagshemash! My name Borat!
[ audience cheers as he performs a silly dance ritual ]
I’m from Kazakhstan! I like you. I like sex! We like, very much, your program, “Saturday Night Lives.” [ motions a pelivc gyration with his hand ] “Schwing?” Yes? [ laughs, turns to look at Azamat, who barely glances back at him ] It means, the same as erect! Also.. also, we laugh on your Coneheads. My brother has a head like a cone. He is retard! We like to laugh on him, too. Why not? He have a brain like a chicken.
American things are very popular in Kazakhstan. Pepsi macs.. hamburger.. baseballs.. and position, B.J. It very convenient – no need to remove wife from cage! [ mimes opening a cage ] We also admires your leader very much – George Walter Bush. And his father, Barbara. I here to make promotions of Kazakhstan. We have glorious industry, fine minerals, and cleanest prostitutes in all of Central Asia. They are much better than Tazakstan’s, whose vir-geens hang loose like sleeve of wizard.
[ Borat turns to translate his joke to Azamat, who laughs briefly before returning to his stoic position ]
Also, we have many natural re-zorses: potassium.. apples.. and human pubis. [ grabs a giant ball of human pubic hair ] This bale took over three women to make. Our pubis is finest in all of world, and can be used for clean pots and pans. [ puts ball of pubic hair down ] This year was a magnificent harvest – in fact my own testes forest has barely grown back.
Also, Kazakhstan best place for raise family. I myself have three sons – Belock, Beram, and Huey Lewis. Schwing? [ bearded boy enters ] This is Belock. He is eleven-years-old. This is his wife. [ young girl carrying baby enters ] She have no name because she girl. And this is their new baby. We are hoping to sell it to your pop star, Madonna. [ audience cheers ] We are ready to change colour of face, if necessary. [ motion kids off of stage, turns to audience ] Schwing? [ does his pelvic thrust dance ]
Kazakhstan also have great movie industry. This.. is Johnny the Monkey. [ Arab trainer enters with costumed monkey on his shoulder. The monkey climbs onto Borat’s shoulder ] He is our most successful actor. He like to dress as Humphrey Bogart. He is children’s favorite, and star of movie film “The Transbilski Express” And over three-hundred other pornos. [ motions monkey and trainer off of stage ]
You must also see my movie film, “Borat”, on November the three. And then visit me in Kazakhstan. You can stay my house, eat our food, and use my sister! She is tight, like a man’s annals! Scwing? [ does his pelvic thrust dance ]
Now – “a-Live, from New York, Home of the Jew, it’s Saturday Night!”
