Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 4
The Curse of Frankenstein
Head Villager…..Hugh Laurie
Frankenstein’s Monster…..Bill Hader
Villager #1…..Amy Poehler
Villager #2…..Kristen Wiig
Villager #3…..Fred Armisen
Announcer: [ over title graphic ] We now return to The Late Night Movie: “The Curse of Frankenstein.” They still do these late night movie things, right?[ dissolve to exterior, Frankenstein’s castle ] [ dissolve to stock footage, villagers running through the night with torches ablaze ] [ cut to exterior, main door of Frankenstein’s castle, as the villagers scream with a collective force ]
Head Villager: Hold it, everyone! He’s right in there! Dr. Frankenstein! Give us your answer![ the villagers begin screaming again, as Frankenstein’s Monster steps through the door ]
Villager !: There he is! The Monster!
Frankenstein’s Monster: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, oh!! You guys looking for Frankenstein?
Frankenstein’s Monster: [ holds up his stitched hands ] You guys got the wrong house?
Head Villager: What do you mean, we got the wrong house?
Villager #1: YEAH?!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!
Frankenstein’s Monster: SHUT UP!! [ they silence ] You got the wrong house! Frankenstein lives, uh — [ points behind the villagers ] Yeah, he lives over there. Across the moor.
Head Villager: Across the moor?
Frankenstein’s Monster: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s, uh – a big castle.. uh, it’s got those, uh — [ snaps fingers ] oh, what do you call it, those white trees out front, uh —
Head Villager: You mean birch trees?
Frankenstein’s Monster: Yeah. Whatever.
Head Villager: [ embarrassed ] Well. Sorry about that.[ Frankenstein’s Monster shrugs vacantly ]
Head Villager: WRONG HOUSE!! ACROSS THE MOOR!!
Dracula: He said what?! I’m Frankenstein?! [ chuckles, as he files his fingernails ] I’m sorry, guys – I think someone’s messin’ with ya’. I’m Dracula! See? [ shows off his outfit ] Cape. Fangs. Widow’s peak. Frankenstein’s, uh.. way back that way. [ points back in the direction the villagers just came from ] Across the moor.
Head Villager: Back that way? We just came from there. He said Frankenstein lives here!
Villager #1: Yeah!
Villager #2: Yeah, he said Frankenstein lives HERE!![ all the villagers join in the chorus ]
Dracula: Hold on, hold on, hold on – what did this guy look like?
Villager #1: He was TALL!
Dracula: Right, right, okay – what else?
Villager #2: He had BOLTS in his neck!
Dracula: Uh-huh. What else?
Villager #3: He was gree-ee-ee-eennnn!
Dracula: Okay. Tall guy, green, bolts in his neck – yeah, I hate to break it to you, but that’s Frankenstein!
Head Villager: Okay.. well, alright. I believe we’ve made a bit of a mistake. Sorry to trouble you! [ to the villagers ] Across the moor!!
Crowd: ACROSS THE MOOR!![ the villagers run back in the opposite direction from which they came ] [ stock footage of villagers running through the night ] [ cut to villagers standing at Frankenstein’s door ]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Well, uh.. he’s a li-ar! That’s what!
Head Villager: Well.. what about the bolts in your neck?
Frankenstein’s Monster: Oh, great, thanks a lot! I almost forgot about that spinal injury I had when I was four-years old! Thanks for bringing back those rosy memories! Hey – my dog died last year, why don’t you make a few jokes about that?!
Villager #1: He’s a mon-sterrrr!![ all the villagers join in the chorus ]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Hey, now we’re name-calling! What am I, in the 7th grade, all of a sudden! Well, you know what? You’re all a bunch of dicks! How do you like that?
Head Villager: Well, how do we know you’re not Frankenstein’s Monster?
Frankenstein’s Monster: How do I know you’re not Frankenstein’s Monster, you freakin’ genius?! I mean — [ glances at villager stepping too close with a lit torch ] Hey, dude – get that fire away from me. Alright? [ to ?? ] I mean, you could be a monster, you know? You got the weird hat, the patchy beard – you know? I mean, you look like a monster to me!
Villager #1: [ to Head Villager ] Well, maybe you’re the monster![ all the villagers join in the chorus ]
Head Villager: [ shakes his head ] I’m not the monster! [ points to Frankenstein’s Monster ] Look at ‘im! He’s got a square head and green skin!
Frankenstein’s Monster: Oh, great – now it’s a racial thing! You know what? You guys are a bunch of fascists! [ villager with a lit torch again step too close ] Seriously, du-ude! Get that fire away from me! [ to the crowd ] Here’s the deal: I’m a cobbler. I make shoes, and I hang out with my kids. You want to lynch me for that – be my guest!
Head Villager: Well, I’m sorry. We – we shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. We’ll leave you alone.
Frankenstein’s Monster: Uh – how about, apology not accepted, Weird Beard! I mean, let a guy live his life, would you? You know what I mean? I mean, it — [ his arm siddenly falls off and hits the stone steps ] Uhhhhhh —
Crowd: KILL HIM!!![ the villagers storm forward ] [ cut to title graphic ]
Announcer: We’ll be back with more of The Late Night Movie. I swear they haven’t done these things in, like, twenty years..[ fade ]