SNL Transcripts: Hugh Laurie: 10/28/06: The Curse of Frankenstein



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 4





06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

The Curse of Frankenstein

Head Villager…..Hugh Laurie
Frankenstein’s Monster…..Bill Hader
Villager #1…..Amy Poehler
Villager #2…..Kristen Wiig
Villager #3…..Fred Armisen
Dracula…..Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: [ over title graphic ] We now return to The Late Night Movie: “The Curse of Frankenstein.” They still do these late night movie things, right?

[ dissolve to exterior, Frankenstein’s castle ] [ dissolve to stock footage, villagers running through the night with torches ablaze ] [ cut to exterior, main door of Frankenstein’s castle, as the villagers scream with a collective force ]

Head Villager: Hold it, everyone! He’s right in there! Dr. Frankenstein! Give us your answer!

[ the villagers begin screaming again, as Frankenstein’s Monster steps through the door ]

Villager !: There he is! The Monster!

Frankenstein’s Monster: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, oh!! You guys looking for Frankenstein?

Crowd: YES!!!!

Frankenstein’s Monster: [ holds up his stitched hands ] You guys got the wrong house?

Head Villager: What do you mean, we got the wrong house?

Villager #1: YEAH?!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!!

Frankenstein’s Monster: SHUT UP!! [ they silence ] You got the wrong house! Frankenstein lives, uh — [ points behind the villagers ] Yeah, he lives over there. Across the moor.

Head Villager: Across the moor?

Frankenstein’s Monster: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s, uh – a big castle.. uh, it’s got those, uh — [ snaps fingers ] oh, what do you call it, those white trees out front, uh —

Head Villager: You mean birch trees?

Frankenstein’s Monster: Yeah. Whatever.

Head Villager: [ embarrassed ] Well. Sorry about that.

[ Frankenstein’s Monster shrugs vacantly ]

Head Villager: WRONG HOUSE!! ACROSS THE MOOR!!

[ the villagers run back in the opposite directino from which they came ] [ stock footage of villagers running through the night ] [ cut to villagers standing at Dracula’s door ]

Dracula: He said what?! I’m Frankenstein?! [ chuckles, as he files his fingernails ] I’m sorry, guys – I think someone’s messin’ with ya’. I’m Dracula! See? [ shows off his outfit ] Cape. Fangs. Widow’s peak. Frankenstein’s, uh.. way back that way. [ points back in the direction the villagers just came from ] Across the moor.

Head Villager: Back that way? We just came from there. He said Frankenstein lives here!

Villager #1: Yeah!

Villager #2: Yeah, he said Frankenstein lives HERE!!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Dracula: Hold on, hold on, hold on – what did this guy look like?

Villager #1: He was TALL!

Dracula: Right, right, okay – what else?

Villager #2: He had BOLTS in his neck!

Dracula: Uh-huh. What else?

Villager #3: He was gree-ee-ee-eennnn!

Dracula: Okay. Tall guy, green, bolts in his neck – yeah, I hate to break it to you, but that’s Frankenstein!

Head Villager: Okay.. well, alright. I believe we’ve made a bit of a mistake. Sorry to trouble you! [ to the villagers ] Across the moor!!

Crowd: ACROSS THE MOOR!!

[ the villagers run back in the opposite direction from which they came ] [ stock footage of villagers running through the night ] [ cut to villagers standing at Frankenstein’s door ]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Well, uh.. he’s a li-ar! That’s what!

Head Villager: Well.. what about the bolts in your neck?

Frankenstein’s Monster: Oh, great, thanks a lot! I almost forgot about that spinal injury I had when I was four-years old! Thanks for bringing back those rosy memories! Hey – my dog died last year, why don’t you make a few jokes about that?!

Villager #1: He’s a mon-sterrrr!!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Frankenstein’s Monster: Hey, now we’re name-calling! What am I, in the 7th grade, all of a sudden! Well, you know what? You’re all a bunch of dicks! How do you like that?

Head Villager: Well, how do we know you’re not Frankenstein’s Monster?

Frankenstein’s Monster: How do I know you’re not Frankenstein’s Monster, you freakin’ genius?! I mean — [ glances at villager stepping too close with a lit torch ] Hey, dude – get that fire away from me. Alright? [ to ?? ] I mean, you could be a monster, you know? You got the weird hat, the patchy beard – you know? I mean, you look like a monster to me!

Villager #1: [ to Head Villager ] Well, maybe you’re the monster!

[ all the villagers join in the chorus ]

Head Villager: [ shakes his head ] I’m not the monster! [ points to Frankenstein’s Monster ] Look at ‘im! He’s got a square head and green skin!

Frankenstein’s Monster: Oh, great – now it’s a racial thing! You know what? You guys are a bunch of fascists! [ villager with a lit torch again step too close ] Seriously, du-ude! Get that fire away from me! [ to the crowd ] Here’s the deal: I’m a cobbler. I make shoes, and I hang out with my kids. You want to lynch me for that – be my guest!

Head Villager: Well, I’m sorry. We – we shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions. We’ll leave you alone.

Frankenstein’s Monster: Uh – how about, apology not accepted, Weird Beard! I mean, let a guy live his life, would you? You know what I mean? I mean, it — [ his arm siddenly falls off and hits the stone steps ] Uhhhhhh —

Crowd: KILL HIM!!!

[ the villagers storm forward ] [ cut to title graphic ]

Announcer: We’ll be back with more of The Late Night Movie. I swear they haven’t done these things in, like, twenty years..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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