SNL Transcripts: Hugh Laurie: 10/28/06: Most Haunted


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Most Haunted

Derek Acorah…..Hugh Laurie
John Gilbert…..Fred Armisen
Yvette Fielding…..Amy Poehler
Stuart Torrevill…..Bill Hader

Narrator: As the team climbed the stairs to Chillingham Castle bedroom, Derek Acorah insisted he could hear the sound of a young boy crying. The closer he got, the more agitated he became.

(Scene begins in nightvision with slight laughter from audience..)

Derek Acorah: How are our sound levels?

John: Nothing out of the ordinary yet.

Derek Acorah: I hear the cries of a small boy. He’s crying out. I’ve been drawn to the energy around the armoire. Every — everyone else, stay there.

Yvette: Stuart, you have your camera ready?

Stuart: Ready.

Derek Acorah: So here we stand in total darkness in the room of a small boy who suffocated in this very armoire. (shouts out:) Do you have a name? Are you here with us? Why do you cry out?

Yvette: Speak to us. Let your presence be known!

Stuart: If you can hear us, give us a sign!

(Extremely loud fart sound is heard – loud laughter from audience)

Stuart: What was that?

Yvette: Did anyone else hear that?

John: Yeah, I did.

Derek Acorah: (stammering) N-no, I just uh shifted my feet, uh, i-i-it was probably just the tennis slippers scooting against the floor.

Yvette: No, I’m sure that wasn’t it! Do we have playback on that?

John: Well, let me check.

Derek Acorah: (stammering) NO, d-d-d-don’t bother, don’t bother.

John: Got it.

(Fart sound is played back)

Yvette: Let’s hear it again.

(Sound plays again – laughter from audience)

Yvette: Oh my God!

Stuart: That made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up!

John: I’m calling for back-up on the walkie talkie.

Derek Acorah: Oh, no.. It — it sounded more like a, like a… very fat bug uh just flew into the windowpane. That’s what it sounded like to me.

Yvette: That was not a bug! Everyone, listen to it again!

(Sound plays again – more laughter)

Derek Acorah: Look, look…this..this is an old castle. It’s probably large stones, shifting in the foundation.

Yvette: It’s like a spirit is trying to tell us something.

John: You know, I can slow it down…

Yvette: Yeah, good idea, good idea. Let’s see if it’s the boy trying to communicate with us.

John: Here it is…

(Sound plays slowly – extremely loude laughter from audience)

(Derek rolls his eyes and groans)

Yvette: Shhh!!! Listen.. It sounded like he said a name. Julian. Did you hear it? Ju-u-ulian, Ju-u-lian (Loudly to the room): Who is Julian, are you Julian?

Stuart: Let’s hear it again.

(Sound plays slowly – more laughter)

Stuart: Sounded more like Roger to me. RO-O-O-Oger. Ro-o-oger. (Shouts to room:) Is there a Roger here?

John: Let me hear it again, but slower.

(Sound plays very, very slow – more laughter from audience)

John: Seems to me it sounds like a young boy saying, “WHHHYYYY? WHHHHYYYY?”

Derek Acorah: Uh, I think I just heard far-off cries from another room in a far off area of the castle! W-we should move there immediately and leave here!

Yvette: But there’s so much paranormality here. Stuart, do you have playback on the thermal camera?

Stuart: I’m gonna need some light.

(The room lights up normally, after being in nightvision)

Stuart: Ok, let me cue it up…Got it!

(Thermal cam shows infrared image of Derek, panning down to his butt, where a misty cloud of air escapes. – Laughter and applause from audience)

Derek Acorah: (rolls his eyes and mumbles) Oh, God.

Yvette: Oh, my god. This is terrifying! Stuart, can we see it again in slow motion?

Derek Acorah: Oh, please!

(Thermal cam image is shown again in slow motion – more laughter and applause)

Yvette: What do you make of it, Stuart?

Stuart: The spirit’s energy seems to be focused right behind Derek.

Derek Acorah: Look, we should-we should get out of here, t-this could be bad you know.

Yvette: Oh my God! As I’m approaching you, Derek, there’s an intesifying sulfuric smell! Everyone! Come over here and stand next to Derek!

John: Alright, nobody move. There is definitely evil here. Oh, I’m getting light headed!!!

Derek Acorah: (Fed up) Oh, bloody hell, I broke wind alright?!!! Why- Why do you have to investigate things so exhaustively?!!

Yvette: Because we’re bloody paranormal investigators!

Derek Acorah: Look, I LET ONE RIP!!! You’ve solved the mystery, are you happy?!!!

Child’s voice in background: Julian!

Everyone: (Ad-libbed) : Maybe we should leave, yeah let’s leave. Definitely. Alright.

Transcribed by: Jeri Anne Holman

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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