SNL Transcripts: Hugh Laurie: 10/28/06: Most Haunted

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 4

06d: Hugh Laurie / Beck

Most Haunted

Derek Acorah…..Hugh Laurie
John Gilbert…..Fred Armisen
Yvette Fielding…..Amy Poehler
Stuart Torrevill…..Bill Hader

Narrator: As the team climbed the stairs to Chillingham Castle bedroom, Derek Acorah insisted he could hear the sound of a young boy crying. The closer he got, the more agitated he became.

(Scene begins in nightvision with slight laughter from audience..)

Derek Acorah: How are our sound levels?

John: Nothing out of the ordinary yet.

Derek Acorah: I hear the cries of a small boy. He’s crying out. I’ve been drawn to the energy around the armoire. Every — everyone else, stay there.

Yvette: Stuart, you have your camera ready?

Stuart: Ready.

Derek Acorah: So here we stand in total darkness in the room of a small boy who suffocated in this very armoire. (shouts out:) Do you have a name? Are you here with us? Why do you cry out?

Yvette: Speak to us. Let your presence be known!

Stuart: If you can hear us, give us a sign!

(Extremely loud fart sound is heard – loud laughter from audience)

Stuart: What was that?

Yvette: Did anyone else hear that?

John: Yeah, I did.

Derek Acorah: (stammering) N-no, I just uh shifted my feet, uh, i-i-it was probably just the tennis slippers scooting against the floor.

Yvette: No, I’m sure that wasn’t it! Do we have playback on that?

John: Well, let me check.

Derek Acorah: (stammering) NO, d-d-d-don’t bother, don’t bother.

John: Got it.

(Fart sound is played back)

Yvette: Let’s hear it again.

(Sound plays again – laughter from audience)

Yvette: Oh my God!

Stuart: That made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up!

John: I’m calling for back-up on the walkie talkie.

Derek Acorah: Oh, no.. It — it sounded more like a, like a… very fat bug uh just flew into the windowpane. That’s what it sounded like to me.

Yvette: That was not a bug! Everyone, listen to it again!

(Sound plays again – more laughter)

Derek Acorah: Look, look…this..this is an old castle. It’s probably large stones, shifting in the foundation.

Yvette: It’s like a spirit is trying to tell us something.

John: You know, I can slow it down…

Yvette: Yeah, good idea, good idea. Let’s see if it’s the boy trying to communicate with us.

John: Here it is…

(Sound plays slowly – extremely loude laughter from audience)

(Derek rolls his eyes and groans)

Yvette: Shhh!!! Listen.. It sounded like he said a name. Julian. Did you hear it? Ju-u-ulian, Ju-u-lian (Loudly to the room): Who is Julian, are you Julian?

Stuart: Let’s hear it again.

(Sound plays slowly – more laughter)

Stuart: Sounded more like Roger to me. RO-O-O-Oger. Ro-o-oger. (Shouts to room:) Is there a Roger here?

John: Let me hear it again, but slower.

(Sound plays very, very slow – more laughter from audience)

John: Seems to me it sounds like a young boy saying, “WHHHYYYY? WHHHHYYYY?”

Derek Acorah: Uh, I think I just heard far-off cries from another room in a far off area of the castle! W-we should move there immediately and leave here!

Yvette: But there’s so much paranormality here. Stuart, do you have playback on the thermal camera?

Stuart: I’m gonna need some light.

(The room lights up normally, after being in nightvision)

Stuart: Ok, let me cue it up…Got it!

(Thermal cam shows infrared image of Derek, panning down to his butt, where a misty cloud of air escapes. – Laughter and applause from audience)

Derek Acorah: (rolls his eyes and mumbles) Oh, God.

Yvette: Oh, my god. This is terrifying! Stuart, can we see it again in slow motion?

Derek Acorah: Oh, please!

(Thermal cam image is shown again in slow motion – more laughter and applause)

Yvette: What do you make of it, Stuart?

Stuart: The spirit’s energy seems to be focused right behind Derek.

Derek Acorah: Look, we should-we should get out of here, t-this could be bad you know.

Yvette: Oh my God! As I’m approaching you, Derek, there’s an intesifying sulfuric smell! Everyone! Come over here and stand next to Derek!

John: Alright, nobody move. There is definitely evil here. Oh, I’m getting light headed!!!

Derek Acorah: (Fed up) Oh, bloody hell, I broke wind alright?!!! Why- Why do you have to investigate things so exhaustively?!!

Yvette: Because we’re bloody paranormal investigators!

Derek Acorah: Look, I LET ONE RIP!!! You’ve solved the mystery, are you happy?!!!

Child’s voice in background: Julian!

Everyone: (Ad-libbed) : Maybe we should leave, yeah let’s leave. Definitely. Alright.

Transcribed by: Jeri Anne Holman

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