Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 4
Most Haunted
Derek Acorah…..Hugh Laurie
John Gilbert…..Fred Armisen
Yvette Fielding…..Amy Poehler
Stuart Torrevill…..Bill Hader
Narrator: As the team climbed the stairs to Chillingham Castle bedroom, Derek Acorah insisted he could hear the sound of a young boy crying. The closer he got, the more agitated he became.
(Scene begins in nightvision with slight laughter from audience..)
Derek Acorah: How are our sound levels?
John: Nothing out of the ordinary yet.
Derek Acorah: I hear the cries of a small boy. He’s crying out. I’ve been drawn to the energy around the armoire. Every — everyone else, stay there.
Yvette: Stuart, you have your camera ready?
Stuart: Ready.
Derek Acorah: So here we stand in total darkness in the room of a small boy who suffocated in this very armoire. (shouts out:) Do you have a name? Are you here with us? Why do you cry out?
Yvette: Speak to us. Let your presence be known!
Stuart: If you can hear us, give us a sign!
(Extremely loud fart sound is heard – loud laughter from audience)
Stuart: What was that?
Yvette: Did anyone else hear that?
John: Yeah, I did.
Derek Acorah: (stammering) N-no, I just uh shifted my feet, uh, i-i-it was probably just the tennis slippers scooting against the floor.
Yvette: No, I’m sure that wasn’t it! Do we have playback on that?
John: Well, let me check.
Derek Acorah: (stammering) NO, d-d-d-don’t bother, don’t bother.
John: Got it.
(Fart sound is played back)
Yvette: Let’s hear it again.
(Sound plays again – laughter from audience)
Yvette: Oh my God!
Stuart: That made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up!
John: I’m calling for back-up on the walkie talkie.
Derek Acorah: Oh, no.. It — it sounded more like a, like a… very fat bug uh just flew into the windowpane. That’s what it sounded like to me.
Yvette: That was not a bug! Everyone, listen to it again!
(Sound plays again – more laughter)
Derek Acorah: Look, look…this..this is an old castle. It’s probably large stones, shifting in the foundation.
Yvette: It’s like a spirit is trying to tell us something.
John: You know, I can slow it down…
Yvette: Yeah, good idea, good idea. Let’s see if it’s the boy trying to communicate with us.
John: Here it is…
(Sound plays slowly – extremely loude laughter from audience)
(Derek rolls his eyes and groans)
Yvette: Shhh!!! Listen.. It sounded like he said a name. Julian. Did you hear it? Ju-u-ulian, Ju-u-lian (Loudly to the room): Who is Julian, are you Julian?
Stuart: Let’s hear it again.
(Sound plays slowly – more laughter)
Stuart: Sounded more like Roger to me. RO-O-O-Oger. Ro-o-oger. (Shouts to room:) Is there a Roger here?
John: Let me hear it again, but slower.
(Sound plays very, very slow – more laughter from audience)
John: Seems to me it sounds like a young boy saying, “WHHHYYYY? WHHHHYYYY?”
Derek Acorah: Uh, I think I just heard far-off cries from another room in a far off area of the castle! W-we should move there immediately and leave here!
Yvette: But there’s so much paranormality here. Stuart, do you have playback on the thermal camera?
Stuart: I’m gonna need some light.
(The room lights up normally, after being in nightvision)
Stuart: Ok, let me cue it up…Got it!
(Thermal cam shows infrared image of Derek, panning down to his butt, where a misty cloud of air escapes. – Laughter and applause from audience)
Derek Acorah: (rolls his eyes and mumbles) Oh, God.
Yvette: Oh, my god. This is terrifying! Stuart, can we see it again in slow motion?
Derek Acorah: Oh, please!
(Thermal cam image is shown again in slow motion – more laughter and applause)
Yvette: What do you make of it, Stuart?
Stuart: The spirit’s energy seems to be focused right behind Derek.
Derek Acorah: Look, we should-we should get out of here, t-this could be bad you know.
Yvette: Oh my God! As I’m approaching you, Derek, there’s an intesifying sulfuric smell! Everyone! Come over here and stand next to Derek!
John: Alright, nobody move. There is definitely evil here. Oh, I’m getting light headed!!!
Derek Acorah: (Fed up) Oh, bloody hell, I broke wind alright?!!! Why- Why do you have to investigate things so exhaustively?!!
Yvette: Because we’re bloody paranormal investigators!
Derek Acorah: Look, I LET ONE RIP!!! You’ve solved the mystery, are you happy?!!!
Child’s voice in background: Julian!
Everyone: (Ad-libbed) : Maybe we should leave, yeah let’s leave. Definitely. Alright.
Transcribed by: Jeri Anne Holman
