Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 4
Hugh Laurie’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Hugh Laurie!
[ the audience cheers loudly ]
Hugh Laurie: [ over the applause ] Thank you, thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls – I am very excited to be here hosting this great show —
[ suddenly, what is now noticed to be canned applause, fades and quiets ]
— in this great city, in this great and venerable building! Very, very, very excited, uh – I would be more excited if I weren’t also slightly medicated. [ scattered laughter ] But, uh, even so – you see, it’s a huge honor — uh, and I thank you. Now, uh – introductions. As the nice man said, my name is Hugh Laurie. Uh — [ the audience bursts into applause ] Of course, I would genuinely love to know all your names, uhh – it’s not really a profitable use of our time is it? Uh, so, instead, if you don’t mind, I’m just going to call you, collectively, Sweet Cheeks. If that’s alright. [ the audience chortles ]
Uh – now, Sweet Cheeks – if you know me at all, it’s, perhaps, as the curmudgeonly, misanthrope “House”, from the TV show of that name. [ the audience cheers ] Goodness! How did that drop out of the conversation, I wonder? Uh – but in real life, the trith is I’m neither misanthropic or curmudgeonly. Um – in real life, I am.. [ thinking ] I am.. daffodils. [ soft music fills the background ] I’m the morning dew. I am.. the laughter of children. I’m the smell of freshly-baked bread. I’m the postman’s cheery “Good morning.” I’m the yelp of a puppy, free from the microwave. [ the audience gasps ] I am.. chicken-fed corn. The seven of clubs that fills the inside straight. I’m the grateful twinkle in your grandmother’s eyes, as you reverse the tractor off her legs. I am sugar, spice, and all things nice. I’m the click on an empty chamber, whenit’s your turn at Russian Roulette. I am hope.. love.. mankind.. the world. I am.. everything. [ a beat ] It’s called lithium, by the way, if you’re interested. Some side effects, but otherwise it’s absolutely excellent.
Now, uh – Sweet Cheeks! Uh, before “House”, I had a long and very theatrical career. My Bottom was much in demand at the royal Shakespeare Company in the late 80’s. Uh – although I didn’t actually do “Midsummer Night’s Dream” until 1994. [ the audience laughs with a spirit of mild confusion ] Uh – heh! That was a Shakespeare joke, and, frankly, not a good one!
Um – now, Sweet Cheeks, if you’re half as sharp as I think you are, I’m sure you’ll be thinking – and you will, you will notice that I am English. Um – yeah. And, uh — bu, now, some of you may be thinking, “Well, hold on! English is a language! How can you be a language?” But you see – it so happens that English.. is also a nationality! Allow me to explain. [ glances to his side ] Uh – can I have a map, please? Yes. Thank you. [ a United States map is wheeled forward; Laurie looks around with confusion ] A map with England on it would have been preferable. That’s okay – never mind, never mind. [ stands next to the map ] Okay. So that means England would be.. about right where my right nipple is. Um, if I had one. But that’s a long story. Uh – no, actually, let’s just forget the map. [ pushes it away ]
Uh – so what can you expect from an Englishman hosting an American comedy show? Well, firstly – humour! Uh – with a “u”, because.. that’s how we spell it over there. Uh – and when I say “humour”, I mean overly elaborate puns that may take you days to understand, with very little payoff. Uh – there’ll be many sketches about – or regarding – bad teeth. Uh – you’ll be hearing “By jove” a lot. “Jolly good.” And, of course, “bollocks.” Uh – it will rain at some point during the show. And every sketch will be served with peas. Please! Don’t try to plug in your hairdryers, because it will start an electrical fire.
And, last, but not least – Beck is here! So, Sweet Cheeks, stick around, we’ll be right back!