Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 5
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Guest Writers:
November 11th, 2006
Alec Baldwin
Christina Aguilera
None
Tina Fey
Tracy Morgan
Steve Martin
Martin Short
Paul McCartney
Tony Bennett
Jim Cashman
A Message from the Speaker-Elect of the U.S. House of RepresentativesSummary: Speaker-elect Nancy Pelosi’s (Kristen Wiig) speech on the virtues of the Democratic Party are interrupted by an S&M-clad aide (Will Forte) and his friend, the human ash tray (Fred Armisen), enter her office.
Recurring Characters: Nancy Pelosi.
Transcript
Montage
Alec Baldwin’s MonologueSummary: To plug his soaring value at NBC, Alec Baldwin brings out “30 Rock” co-stars Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan.
First Hosted: 89r.
E-Z Date.comSummary: Entrepreneuer Cal Brandeis (Jason Sudeikis) acts as virtual pimp for a new dating service that will discreetly deliver a “date” to your door within minutes of registering online.
Note: This commercial parody finally makes it to air after being cut from several episodes this season.
Britney’s DivorceSummary: Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) discusses divorce proceedings with her lawyer (Jason Sudeikis).
Recurring Characters: Britney Spears.
Saddam’s Defense TeamSummary: Saddam Hussein (Alec Baldwin) berates his lawyers (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) after being sentenced to death by hanging.
Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.
Transcript
ValtrexSummary: Husband (Alec Baldwin) convinces his wife (Amy Poehler) that genital herpes can lie dormant for years before exposing itself.
Transcript
Morning DriveSummary: Coworkers (Kristin Wiig, Alec Baldwin) form a carpool to save money on their commute to work, but keep offending one another while making idle chit chat during their morning drive.
Transcript
TV FunhouseSummary: Hot dog-eating champion “Kobayashi!” stars as a superhero in a live-action/anime kids program in a cartoon by Rob Smigel.
Platinum LoungeSummary: In between sketches, Alec Baldwin stops for a drink at Studio 8-H’s exclusive Platinum Lounge for 12-time hosts, where he continues his rivalry with 14-time host Steve Martin.
Transcript
Christina Aguilera performs “Ain’t No Other Man”First Performed: 99p.
Lyrics
Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth MeyersSummary: Seth Meyers conducts an exclusive interview with Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond), as a disgruntled mover (Kenan Thompson) packs the departing secretary’s office. Amy Poehler reveals that she uses Good-and-Plentys as birth control pills. Amy Poehler’s dizzy aunt Linda (Kristen Wiig) reviews recent holiday movies. Waiter Derek Landerton (Andy Samberg) incorrectly totals up the $10,000 bill from Tom Cruise’s recent dinner with Katie Holmes.
Recurring Characters: Donald Rumsfeld.
The Tony Bennett ShowSummary: Tony Bennett’s (Alec Baldwin) special guest, Bob Dylan, couldn’t make it, but neither is Kevin Federline (Andy Samberg) going to stick around. Instead, Tony welcomes doppleganger Anthony Dominick Benedetto (Tony Bennett) for a duet.
Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett.
Bio: Tony Bennett (1926-). Singer; real name: Anthony Dominick Benedetto; crooner of pop tune standards since the early 1950’s; charted hits include: “Rags to Riches” (1953), “I Left My Heart in San Francisco” (1962); slowly hit rock bottom during the 1970’s, when his musical style waned in popularity; later made a huge comeback by playing to younger audiences, including an appearance on “MTV Unplugged” in 1994; awarded the Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award in 2001.
Transcript
Brazilian BarSummary: Rick Corman (Alec Baldwin) hits on women as bossa nova singers (Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen) perform.
Transcript
Christina Aguilera performs “Hurt”Lyrics
A Moment with the Out-of-Breath Jogger from 1992Summary: In 1992, an exhausted jogger (Andy Samberg) continues to spout the era’s cliched jargon while panting breathlessly.
Transcript
Tony Bennett & Christina Aguilera perform “Steppin’ Out With My Baby”Lyrics
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Piano ManSummary: Handicapped piano player (Kenan Thompson) solicits money as he performs.
Tower RecordsSummary: Two men (Alec Baldwin, Fred Armisen) find the news that Tower Records is going out of business hard to believe.
Speed ReaderSummary: Speed reader (Will Forte) delights in mischief and murder.
Talk ShowSummary: When a morning show host fails to arrive at the studio, the director (Fred Armisen) is force to perform duties simultaneously.
