Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 5
Written by: Kristen Wiig and Jim Cashman
[FADE IN on a shot looking into a car through the windshield. A woman is behind a wheel, with a man in a business suit in the passenger seat.]
Driver: Y’ know, in some places, the prices are still almost three dollars a gallon, it’s crazy.
Passenger: Well, carpooling was definitely a good idea. At least now I don’t feel like I’m losing money going to work.
Driver: I know–plus having someone else in the car makes the drive go faster.
Passenger: Yeah, this is a nice car.
Driver: Thank you.[awkward pause]
Driver: Oh, so it looked like you were having some words with your neighbor back there.
Passenger: I’m sorry?
Driver: Oh, when I drove up, he was ranting and raving–that must be fun, living next to a crazy old man. [snickers]
Passenger: [stiffly] That’s my dad. He actually lives with us.
Driver: Oh. I’m sorry.
Passenger: He’s not quite right anymore. He had wandered into the neighbor’s yard, I was trying to get him back to the house to, uh… put some clothes on him.
Driver: I’m sorry, that must be really hard.
Passenger: [softly] It is. Especially on the kids. So where do you guys live?
Driver: Oh, no, no, it’s just me, I’m by myself, I have an apartment.
Passenger: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were married.
Driver: I am. He ran away.
Driver: It’s okay, um, he left a note. Um… it was nice… But, uh, he can’t live with me anymore. But it’s okay.
Passenger: So what happened to those bonuses we were supposed to get this summer?
Driver: [laughing] Oh, yeah, those bonuses. Honestly, I don’t even think they exist, y’know? It’s like, it’s a big myth. It’s like Bigfoot.[pause]
Passenger: I believe in Bigfoot.
Passenger: I’ve seen him twice, so he’s real.
Driver: [nervously] I didn’t mean to offend you.
Passenger: It’s all right, you weren’t there.
Driver: [after a pause] Do you want to listen to some music or something?
Passenger: [quickly] Sure, that’d be great.[She turns on the stereo. “Where Does My Heart Beat Now?” by Celine Dion starts playing.]
Passenger: Ugh, Celine Dion. Anything but that, I cannot stand her. You mind if we change the station?
Driver: It’s a CD.[laughter]
Passenger: Sorry. Do you mind if we put in a different CD?
Driver: They’re all Celine.
Passenger: Big fan, huh?
Driver: [turns off music] When I was 17, I was kidnapped and taken to Peru. After four months, I managed to escape, but couldn’t get back to the U.S. I begged for money to buy a piece of paper and a pencil so I could write a letter. I wrote that letter to Celine Dion to come and rescue me, and she did.[laughter and applause]
Driver: [tightly] She’s an amazing person. She’s an amazing person.
Passenger: I’m sorry, I should have known.[laughter]
Driver: It’s okay, I’m, I’m just sensitive about it, y’know, she’s always been there for me, y’know–she’s, she’s my rock.
Passenger: [incredulous] Your rock?
Driver: Yeah… what?
Passenger: It’s just that last summer my dentist and I were rock climbing, and he fell into a crevasse where he got his foot stuck. The coyotes were circling, so I did what I had to do, and I chewed his foot off with my teeth.[laughter]
Passenger: So you should be a little more careful with the words you throw around.
Driver: [growing angry] What words I throw around.
Driver: [in a brittle voice] Someone threw a box full of dictionaries out of a fourth-story window, crushing everything below my waist. No one came to help me for so long, I started reading one of the dictionaries and got halfway through “C”–so I think I know a little something about people throwing words around.
Passenger: I’m sorry, that must’ve been awful for you.
Driver: I’m metal from the waist down.[Her passenger glances over to her and then looks down at her legs.]
Passenger: I’m sorry.
Driver: Y’know, it’s fine. You know what they say: “Don’t worry, be happy.”
Passenger: Bobby McFerrin raped my grandmother.[He presses his fist to his mouth in anguish for a long moment as they drive on over cheers and applause.]
Driver: Let’s just, uh, let’s just listen to the radio.[She switches the stereo back on, only to hear “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” coming from the speakers. The passenger covers his eyes with his hand while the song continues for a few seconds. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]
Submtited by: Sean