SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/11/06: Morning Drive



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 5




06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Morning Drive

Written by: Kristen Wiig and Jim Cashman

Driver…..Kristen Wiig
Passenger…..Alec Baldwin

[FADE IN on a shot looking into a car through the windshield. A woman is behind a wheel, with a man in a business suit in the passenger seat.]

Driver: Y’ know, in some places, the prices are still almost three dollars a gallon, it’s crazy.

Passenger: Well, carpooling was definitely a good idea. At least now I don’t feel like I’m losing money going to work.

[both chuckle]

Driver: I know–plus having someone else in the car makes the drive go faster.

Passenger: Yeah, this is a nice car.

Driver: Thank you.

[awkward pause]

Driver: Oh, so it looked like you were having some words with your neighbor back there.

Passenger: I’m sorry?

Driver: Oh, when I drove up, he was ranting and raving–that must be fun, living next to a crazy old man. [snickers]

Passenger: [stiffly] That’s my dad. He actually lives with us.

Driver: Oh. I’m sorry.

Passenger: He’s not quite right anymore. He had wandered into the neighbor’s yard, I was trying to get him back to the house to, uh… put some clothes on him.

Driver: I’m sorry, that must be really hard.

Passenger: [softly] It is. Especially on the kids. So where do you guys live?

Driver: Oh, no, no, it’s just me, I’m by myself, I have an apartment.

Passenger: Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were married.

Driver: I am. He ran away.

Passenger: Oh.

Driver: It’s okay, um, he left a note. Um… it was nice… But, uh, he can’t live with me anymore. But it’s okay.

Passenger: So what happened to those bonuses we were supposed to get this summer?

Driver: [laughing] Oh, yeah, those bonuses. Honestly, I don’t even think they exist, y’know? It’s like, it’s a big myth. It’s like Bigfoot.

[pause]

Passenger: I believe in Bigfoot.

[laughter]

Passenger: I’ve seen him twice, so he’s real.

Driver: [nervously] I didn’t mean to offend you.

Passenger: It’s all right, you weren’t there.

Driver: [after a pause] Do you want to listen to some music or something?

Passenger: [quickly] Sure, that’d be great.

[She turns on the stereo. “Where Does My Heart Beat Now?” by Celine Dion starts playing.]

Passenger: Ugh, Celine Dion. Anything but that, I cannot stand her. You mind if we change the station?

Driver: It’s a CD.

[laughter]

Passenger: Sorry. Do you mind if we put in a different CD?

Driver: They’re all Celine.

Passenger: Big fan, huh?

Driver: [turns off music] When I was 17, I was kidnapped and taken to Peru. After four months, I managed to escape, but couldn’t get back to the U.S. I begged for money to buy a piece of paper and a pencil so I could write a letter. I wrote that letter to Celine Dion to come and rescue me, and she did.

[laughter and applause]

Driver: [tightly] She’s an amazing person. She’s an amazing person.

Passenger: I’m sorry, I should have known.

[laughter]

Driver: It’s okay, I’m, I’m just sensitive about it, y’know, she’s always been there for me, y’know–she’s, she’s my rock.

Passenger: [incredulous] Your rock?

Driver: Yeah… what?

Passenger: It’s just that last summer my dentist and I were rock climbing, and he fell into a crevasse where he got his foot stuck. The coyotes were circling, so I did what I had to do, and I chewed his foot off with my teeth.

[laughter]

Passenger: So you should be a little more careful with the words you throw around.

Driver: [growing angry] What words I throw around.

Passenger: Yeah.

Driver: [in a brittle voice] Someone threw a box full of dictionaries out of a fourth-story window, crushing everything below my waist. No one came to help me for so long, I started reading one of the dictionaries and got halfway through “C”–so I think I know a little something about people throwing words around.

Passenger: I’m sorry, that must’ve been awful for you.

Driver: I’m metal from the waist down.

[Her passenger glances over to her and then looks down at her legs.]

Passenger: I’m sorry.

Driver: Y’know, it’s fine. You know what they say: “Don’t worry, be happy.”

Passenger: Bobby McFerrin raped my grandmother.

[He presses his fist to his mouth in anguish for a long moment as they drive on over cheers and applause.]

Driver: Let’s just, uh, let’s just listen to the radio.

[She switches the stereo back on, only to hear “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” coming from the speakers. The passenger covers his eyes with his hand while the song continues for a few seconds. FADE to black over cheers and applause.]

Submtited by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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