SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/11/06: Saddam’s Defense Team


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

Saddam’s Defense Team

Saddam Hussein….Alec Baldwin
Lawyer 1….Bill Hader
Lawyer 2….Fred Armisen

[Opens with an outside shot of a jail]

Caption: Baghdad, Iraq. US Controlled Green Zone.

[Cut to inside a cell. Desk, 2 nervous lawyers behindit shuffling papers]

Lawyer 1: How do you think that Saddam’s mood will be?

Lawyer 2: He just got sentenced to death. How do youthink his mood will be?

Lawyer 1: Oh, boy.

[2 guards escort Saddam into the cell with hislawyers. Saddam sits in front of them.]

Saddam Hussein: First of all. Great job, you guys!You’re definitely gonna win lawyer of the year.

Lawyer 1:[nervous]Don’t worry, there are grounds for an appeal.

Saddam Hussein: When we appeal would it be possible toget one witness who have something nice to say aboutme?![slams hand on desk]I feel like a contestant onAmerican Idol and all the witnesses are Simon.

Lawyer 2: It’s very difficult to build a defense for you, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Really difficult, huh? Let me see if Ican do it. Here is one off the top of my dome. I have50 look-alikes. 50 guys that look just like me! Youcouldn’t put one on the scene, not one? Because that,you idiots, is reasonable doubt. Am I the only onehere that watches “Law and Order”? Boy, oh boy! IfO.J. had you two for a lawyer he wouldn’t be makinghis tee-off time right now. I can assure you of this.

Lawyer 1: I-I’m sorry, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: Aaaahh, it’s not your fault, totally.I should’ve kept my cool in the courtroom. I mean, Iwas in there for like 200 days and I got expelled like160 times. I was getting kicked out of there more thanVinnie Barbarino got kicked out of Mr. Kotter’s class!

Lawyer 2:[confused]Mr. Kotter?

Lawyer 1:[humors Saddam, laughs]Kotter.

Saddam Hussein: Seriously, they are not gonna hang me,are they? I’m like the Sunni Abraham Lincoln. Thatwould start a 200 year blood feud.

Lawyer 1:[serious]They are really gonna hang you.

Lawyer 2: I do have some good news, Saddam.

Saddam Hussein: They caught Osama! Please tell me they caught Osama.

Lawyer 2: They did not catch Osama.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, that is the burn of the century.Although, you gotta hand it to the guy, he hid in acountry filled with mountains and caves and me I hidin a me-sized hole. Point Osama.

Lawyer 2: I was going to say that Bush and therepublicans lost in the mid-term elections. So there we go…

Saddam Hussein: Oh, thank you. That will be a comforting thought when the rope snaps my neck and I soil myself.

Lawyer 2: I’m sorry, Saddam. I thought it will make you happy.

Saddam Hussein: I’m not even front page news anymore.”Borat” is getting more ink than me. He didn’t even kill anybody!!

Lawyer 1: We should start on your defense in the Kurds poison gas case.

Saddam Hussein: Hey, I was going to keep this on thedown low but spoiler alert, I did it!!!

Lawyer 1:[tentatively]He did kind of looked like you.

Lawyer 2:[agrees]Yes.

Saddam Hussein: Oh, man. I am old and tired and sad.Let’s talk about the Kurds next week.

Lawyer 2: Okay.

Saddam Hussein: And guys,[slams hand on desk, getsup]I don’t blame you. I put myself here. Although youshould know that I was a little ticked off after theverdict so I made some calls and if I were you Iwouldn’t start your cars for like a year.

[Lawyers have forced, nervous laughs. Saddam leaves,opens the jail gate, closes it and opens it again] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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