Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 5
Saddam’s Defense Team
Saddam Hussein….Alec Baldwin
Lawyer 1….Bill Hader
Lawyer 2….Fred Armisen
[Opens with an outside shot of a jail]
Caption: Baghdad, Iraq. US Controlled Green Zone.
[Cut to inside a cell. Desk, 2 nervous lawyers behindit shuffling papers]
Lawyer 1: How do you think that Saddam’s mood will be?
Lawyer 2: He just got sentenced to death. How do youthink his mood will be?
Lawyer 1: Oh, boy.
[2 guards escort Saddam into the cell with hislawyers. Saddam sits in front of them.]
Saddam Hussein: First of all. Great job, you guys!You’re definitely gonna win lawyer of the year.
Lawyer 1:[nervous]Don’t worry, there are grounds for an appeal.
Saddam Hussein: When we appeal would it be possible toget one witness who have something nice to say aboutme?![slams hand on desk]I feel like a contestant onAmerican Idol and all the witnesses are Simon.
Lawyer 2: It’s very difficult to build a defense for you, Saddam.
Saddam Hussein: Really difficult, huh? Let me see if Ican do it. Here is one off the top of my dome. I have50 look-alikes. 50 guys that look just like me! Youcouldn’t put one on the scene, not one? Because that,you idiots, is reasonable doubt. Am I the only onehere that watches “Law and Order”? Boy, oh boy! IfO.J. had you two for a lawyer he wouldn’t be makinghis tee-off time right now. I can assure you of this.
Lawyer 1: I-I’m sorry, Saddam.
Saddam Hussein: Aaaahh, it’s not your fault, totally.I should’ve kept my cool in the courtroom. I mean, Iwas in there for like 200 days and I got expelled like160 times. I was getting kicked out of there more thanVinnie Barbarino got kicked out of Mr. Kotter’s class!
Lawyer 2:[confused]Mr. Kotter?
Lawyer 1:[humors Saddam, laughs]Kotter.
Saddam Hussein: Seriously, they are not gonna hang me,are they? I’m like the Sunni Abraham Lincoln. Thatwould start a 200 year blood feud.
Lawyer 1:[serious]They are really gonna hang you.
Lawyer 2: I do have some good news, Saddam.
Saddam Hussein: They caught Osama! Please tell me they caught Osama.
Lawyer 2: They did not catch Osama.
Saddam Hussein: Oh, that is the burn of the century.Although, you gotta hand it to the guy, he hid in acountry filled with mountains and caves and me I hidin a me-sized hole. Point Osama.
Lawyer 2: I was going to say that Bush and therepublicans lost in the mid-term elections. So there we go…
Saddam Hussein: Oh, thank you. That will be a comforting thought when the rope snaps my neck and I soil myself.
Lawyer 2: I’m sorry, Saddam. I thought it will make you happy.
Saddam Hussein: I’m not even front page news anymore.”Borat” is getting more ink than me. He didn’t even kill anybody!!
Lawyer 1: We should start on your defense in the Kurds poison gas case.
Saddam Hussein: Hey, I was going to keep this on thedown low but spoiler alert, I did it!!!
Lawyer 1:[tentatively]He did kind of looked like you.
Saddam Hussein: Oh, man. I am old and tired and sad.Let’s talk about the Kurds next week.
Lawyer 2: Okay.
Saddam Hussein: And guys,[slams hand on desk, getsup]I don’t blame you. I put myself here. Although youshould know that I was a little ticked off after theverdict so I made some calls and if I were you Iwouldn’t start your cars for like a year.
[Lawyers have forced, nervous laughs. Saddam leaves,opens the jail gate, closes it and opens it again]
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel