Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 5
A Message from the Speaker-Elect of the U.S. House of Representatives
Rep. Nancy Pelosi…..Kristin Wiig
Announcer: The following is a message from the Speaker-Elect of the U.S. House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi.[ dissolve to Nancy Pelosi sitting stern and proper at the desk in her office ] [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Good evening. I’m Nancy Pelosi. For the past nineteen years, I’ve been a member of Congress in the eighth District of California, proudly representing the citizens of San Francisco. AS of this January, hwever, I will, in a sense, represent all Americans, when I am sworn in as speaker of the House.[ the audience cheers ]
Despite the efforts of this administration to frighten Americans about the Democratic Party, and its alleged [ makes quotes signs with her finger ] “San Francisco values”, last Tuesday you went to the polls in record numbers, and you sent this White house a message: that “stay the course in Iraq” is not a plan; that our health care system should serve ordinary citizens, not pharmaceutical companies; that so-called rough sex can be a necessary and fulfilling adjunct to a better sex life – partiularly when it involves fantasy role-play scenarios, such as kidnapping or forced interrogation, provided, of course, that both participants are willing and disease-free, and have agreed on what we call a “safe word” – for example: “Palomino”; that an increase in minimum wage is long overdue; and, finally, that U.S. citizens do not surrender their Constitutional rights, the moment they engage in multiple partner or group sex, provided, once again, that all participants are willing, at least twelve years of age, and no peanuts, or peanut products, are used.
We Americans have always been a religious people, a member of my staff tells me. And whatever you may have heard, the Democratic Party is not anti-religion. Whether you’re a Wiccan priestess, a Druid, tantric Buddhist, Servant of Moloch, Lord of Fire, Presbyterian, or a member of the Cult of Collie – your faith will be respected, so long as no animals are harmed during your ceremonies – except, of course, gerbils.
And when the new Democratic majority Congress convenes in January, it will truly be a Congress as diverse as the nation it serves. [ show photo of each individual as she names them ] Chairing the Judiciary Committee: John Conyers; at Ways and Means: Charles Rangel; at Homeland Secueity: Benny Thompson; at Government Reform: Ernesto Guevara, Jr.; and Agriculture: this naked hippie.. and his old lady; and Small Business: yet another black dude; and Finance: the drummer from Rage Against the Machine; and, at Intelligence: al-Qaeda number-two man, Ayman al-Zawahiri. Truly, a Congress that looks like America.[ Nancy nervously looks offscreen, as a leather-clad S&M enthusiast enters ]
What is it?
Dana: Nancy, uh, you need to okay this. [ hands her a memo ]
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: [ to the audience ] Excuse me. [ turns to her aide ] Uh, Dana – I’m kind of in the middle of something.
Dana: I’ll come back.
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: And, Dana, about your outfit – it’s alright now, but, as of Jauary, you might have to go with mroe of a business look for the office.
Dana: [ slightly embarrassed ] Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: No, no – it’s fine for now, but, you know, but after the transition —
Dana: Sure. No problem.
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: [ glances offscreen ] Who’s your friend?
Dana: Oh, uh, this is my slave – his name is “Filth” —[ an S&M bondage slave, with a chokehold covering his mouth, enters the scene ]
He’s, uh, a human ash tray.
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Dana, this office is non-smoking.
Dana: Just pot.
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Oh. Okay! [ extends her hand to “Filth” ] How do you do?
“Filth”: [ muffled ] It’s a real honor to meet you, Congresswoman. Congratulations on becoming House Speaker, that’s so great!
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Thank you, I appreciate that.
“Filth”: [ muffled ] You are great.
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Thank you.
“Filth”: [ muffled ] You are great.
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: Dana, I’d better get back to this. [ points to the camera ]
Dana: Oh! Absolutely. Sure. [ drags “Filth” offscreen with him ] [ Nancy returns her attention to the camera ]
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: With your votes last Tuesday, you have offered us your trust. I promise you, we will not betray it.[ buzzsaw sound effects suddenly blare from offscreen, as Nancy holds a nervous pose in front of the camera ]
Dana’s Voice: Palomino! Palomino!
Rep. Nancy Pelosi: [ glances offscreen ] Palomino! [ to the camera ] Excuse me, I-I have to take care of something — [ rushes offscreen ] Palomino! He’s not breathing! [ runs back onto camera, with a panicked expression on her face ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ ducks back offscreen ]