Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 5
The Tony Bennett Show
Tony Bennett…..Alec Baldwin
Kevin Federline…..Andy Samberg
Anthony Benedetto…..Tony Bennett
[ open on show logo over show set ]
Announcer: It’s “The Tony Bennett Show!”
[ logo fades ]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Tony Bennett!
[ Tony Bennett runs onto the stage with a microphone as the audience applauds his arrival ]
Tony Bennett: Hello, everybody, hello! You know, I’ve sung for kings and queens, and one thing’s for sure – I love things that are great!
[ singing ]
“I love things that are great
Good things are fantastic.
Guess what, we’ve got a date
Just a tlak show, nothing drastic.
But one thing’s for sure
I love things that are greeeeeeeeat!
[ the audience cheers ]
Tony Bennett: Thank you so much, everybody! We’ve got a real blue-ribbon kind of a show today – some great, great, great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna hear a couple of terrific numbers from Puddle of Mudd!! One of the great rock bands out there today. But, first up, I’d like you to meet a terrific guy. This guy’s new on the rap scene, and he’s here to fill us in. Please welcome – Kevin Federline!
[ the audience cheers, as a smug Kevin Federline joins Tony on the set ]
Tony Bennett: Welcome, Kevin. So, how you doing?
Kevin Federline: Oh, you know – I’m doing the dew, you know – makin’ sure what stays in Vegas!
Tony Bennett: Yeah. [ smiles ] But, Kevin – you have no education, no discernable skills, you have a skimpy beard growth. and, yet, you landed yourself a twenty-five year-old millionaire sexpot. Now, let me ask you a question: How’d you screw that up?! Why?
[ Kevin attempts to speak, but is too dumbstruck to respond ]
Tony Bennett: [ now finished with the interview ] Kevin Federline, everybody! Thanks so very much!
[ the music plays Kevin off the stage – actually, a guard pulls him off the stage ]
Tony Bennett: Yeah! One of the great, great, great, great, young dee-vor-cees out there today. [ a beat ] We were supposed to have a very special guest today – Mr. Bob Dylan. But it turns out there was ONE heckuva mix-up with the car service that was picking him up. According to this, uh, manifest I have here in my pocket — [ retrieves piece of paper from his jacket pocket ] they were supposed to pick up Bob Dylan on the Upper East side, but, instead, they picked up a Mr. Robert Dillon on 96th and RIVERSIDE!! Don’t get me wrong – he’s a nice fellow, works in the locksmith trade – but he’s not the LEGEND we ordered up! I found a lasy-minute fill-in – though – this – this cat is – he’s a trip, man. This entertainer and impressionist has been shadowing my gigs for many, many years. He’ll be opening for LANCE BURTON, Thanksgiving weekend at MOHICAN SUN!! Please welcome a great, great guy, from Astoria, Queens – Mr. Anthony Benedetto!!
[ the audience erupts into extended applause as the real Tony Bennett (using his birth name) joins Tony Bennett onstage ]
Tony Bennett: [ as they sit on the couch ] Anthony — [ the audience resumes cheering as Alec and Tony stare and smile at one another, both men enjoying the enthusiasm from the audience ] Anthony, you look great. How you doing?
Anthony Benedetto: [ with a flourish of his hand ] Oh, I’m doing just great, I’m doing just great! [ the audience laughs ] You know, you’re a real PRINCE letting me on this show!
Tony Bennett: [ points his thumb at Anthony as he looks out at the audience ] This guy can wear the heck out of a suit, don’t you know!
Anthony Benedetto: You’re no slouch, either.
Tony Bennett: These are my fancy duds – I wore them for Bob Dylan. But I’m just as happy you dig ’em, too!
Anthony Benedetto: Good! They’re great, they’re really great — [ stumbling on his words ] that is great – great – great threads! Great threads!
Tony Bennett: I just want you all to know what a class act —
Anthony Benedetto: You got a great nose job.
Tony Bennett: Oh. Thank you very much! [ the audience cheers ] I apreciate that – I do!
Anthony Benedetto: [ laughs ]
Tony Bennett: Back in the late 70’s, I caught his show in Atlantic City, and I was surprised to find out he was copying my act, WORD FOR WORD! And song for song.
Anthony Benedetto: It was more of a tribute to you!
Tony Bennett: Anyway, I enjoyed the heck out of his performance, and then I sued to BEJEESUS out of him and sued him for everything he had! But he was such a first-rate human being, that we were able to bury the hatchet and.. MAKE LEMONS OUT OF — MAKE LEMONADE OUT OF LEMONS!! So – tell them what you did, Anthony.
Anthony Benedetto: I stayed in bed for two months.
Tony Bennett: No – after that.
Anthony Benedetto: Well, I slept in Grand Central Station.
Tony Bennett: No – way after that!
Anthony Benedetto: I retooled my act so it was more of a comedy parody – you know, Tony – you know, it – it’s 100% legal.
Tony Bennett: This guy does a send-up of my stuff that will.. HUFF AND PUFF, and BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN! Tell them who your stage name is! [ to the audience ] This is a doozy, folks!
Anthony Benedetto: My name is Phony Bennett!
[ the audience laughs along with Tony ]
Tony Bennett: Tell the folks some of those nuggets that you’re singing right now.
Anthony Benedetto: Oh, uh – let’s see: “Don’t Get Around Much Any More” – uh, uh, you know – “Someone Stole My Car.”
Tony Bennett: Great, great stuff!
Anthony Benedetto: “You Can’t Take That Away From Me – It’s Under Three Ounces.”
Tony Bennett: Priceless!
Anthony Benedetto: My biggest hit: “I Left My Heart in San Clan’s Disco.”
Tony Bennett: Oh! That water’s two halves of a hoot! Isn’t it crazy? We look alike, we sound alike, we even dress alike. I usually get my suits at Prioni – how about you, Anthony?
Anthony Benedetto: Men’s Wearhouse.
Tony Bennett: Anthony, hold that thought about Men’s Wearhouse, I gotta mention our sponsors – Lamicil tablets for nail fungus. [ pulls out product ] Hey, Anthony – hold that for me, would ya’? Right there? [ hands product to Anthony and looks past him to face the camera ] Thanks – you’re a pal! [ about to start his spiel, but Tony turns to look at the camera for a few beats; the audience laughs and cheers ] You know – nail fungus is no parade down Main Street. I once dated a lady who was 99% gorgeous, then I took her shoe-shopping. Her toenails looked like a lined-up row of BARBEQUED FRITOS!! There isn’t a pair of clippers out there that can tame those poker chips! Lamicil says, “Hey, nail fungus: don’t let the door hit ya’ where the Good Lord split ya’!” [ puts the product away and continues the interview ] Okay, Anthony! Where was I? Let’s talk about our plans for the holidays! I’m gonna be doing a midnight mass/concert outside the Vatican with PAVAROTTI and U2!! What are you cookin’?
Anthony Benedetto: I’m gonna have some, uh, Budweiser at my friend’s house – Ed’s house.
Tony Bennett: Oh! Parallel lives, I’m tellin’ ya’! I’m glad you could be here, it’s been a great, great, great, great week all about, what with the elections and the huge voter turnout – this is such a great country. What do you say, I think we OWE our fellow Americans a song. How do you feel about it?
Anthony Benedetto: That’s a GREAT idea!
Tony Bennett: Let’s go, you!
[ Tony grabs his microphone and stands, as Anthony is handed a microphone by an unseen stagehand; the audience cheers them on ]
Together: [ singing ]
“Oh beautiful, for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!”
[ Tony addresses the audience, as Anthony continues singing ]
Tony Bennett: I’d love to thank my guest – Bob Dylan, catch you on the flipity-jip! Robert Dillon – sorry, times ten! Raincheck on Puddle of Mudd! Lamicil tablets for nail fungus! Kevin Federline – watch where you drop your worm! And, Anthony Benedetto – maybe you can open up for me some time!
Anthony Benedetto: [ excited ] Really?!
Tony Bennett: Don’t hold your breath! Join me tomorrow, when I’ll be stuffing a turkey with Kim Zimmer of “The Guiding Light”!
[ Tony and Anthony hug, as the scene fades ]