SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/11/06: The Tony Bennett Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 5

06e: Alec Baldwin / Christina Aguilera

The Tony Bennett Show

Tony Bennett…..Alec Baldwin
Kevin Federline…..Andy Samberg
Anthony Benedetto…..Tony Bennett

[ open on show logo over show set ]

Announcer: It’s “The Tony Bennett Show!”

[ logo fades ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Tony Bennett!

[ Tony Bennett runs onto the stage with a microphone as the audience applauds his arrival ]

Tony Bennett: Hello, everybody, hello! You know, I’ve sung for kings and queens, and one thing’s for sure – I love things that are great!

[ singing ]“I love things that are great
Good things are fantastic.
Guess what, we’ve got a date
Just a tlak show, nothing drastic.
But one thing’s for sure
I love things that are greeeeeeeeat!

[ the audience cheers ]

Tony Bennett: Thank you so much, everybody! We’ve got a real blue-ribbon kind of a show today – some great, great, great, great stuff. Later on, we’re gonna hear a couple of terrific numbers from Puddle of Mudd!! One of the great rock bands out there today. But, first up, I’d like you to meet a terrific guy. This guy’s new on the rap scene, and he’s here to fill us in. Please welcome – Kevin Federline!

[ the audience cheers, as a smug Kevin Federline joins Tony on the set ]

Tony Bennett: Welcome, Kevin. So, how you doing?

Kevin Federline: Oh, you know – I’m doing the dew, you know – makin’ sure what stays in Vegas!

Tony Bennett: Yeah. [ smiles ] But, Kevin – you have no education, no discernable skills, you have a skimpy beard growth. and, yet, you landed yourself a twenty-five year-old millionaire sexpot. Now, let me ask you a question: How’d you screw that up?! Why?

[ Kevin attempts to speak, but is too dumbstruck to respond ]

Tony Bennett: [ now finished with the interview ] Kevin Federline, everybody! Thanks so very much!

[ the music plays Kevin off the stage – actually, a guard pulls him off the stage ]

Tony Bennett: Yeah! One of the great, great, great, great, young dee-vor-cees out there today. [ a beat ] We were supposed to have a very special guest today – Mr. Bob Dylan. But it turns out there was ONE heckuva mix-up with the car service that was picking him up. According to this, uh, manifest I have here in my pocket — [ retrieves piece of paper from his jacket pocket ] they were supposed to pick up Bob Dylan on the Upper East side, but, instead, they picked up a Mr. Robert Dillon on 96th and RIVERSIDE!! Don’t get me wrong – he’s a nice fellow, works in the locksmith trade – but he’s not the LEGEND we ordered up! I found a lasy-minute fill-in – though – this – this cat is – he’s a trip, man. This entertainer and impressionist has been shadowing my gigs for many, many years. He’ll be opening for LANCE BURTON, Thanksgiving weekend at MOHICAN SUN!! Please welcome a great, great guy, from Astoria, Queens – Mr. Anthony Benedetto!!

[ the audience erupts into extended applause as the real Tony Bennett (using his birth name) joins Tony Bennett onstage ]

Tony Bennett: [ as they sit on the couch ] Anthony — [ the audience resumes cheering as Alec and Tony stare and smile at one another, both men enjoying the enthusiasm from the audience ] Anthony, you look great. How you doing?

Anthony Benedetto: [ with a flourish of his hand ] Oh, I’m doing just great, I’m doing just great! [ the audience laughs ] You know, you’re a real PRINCE letting me on this show!

Tony Bennett: [ points his thumb at Anthony as he looks out at the audience ] This guy can wear the heck out of a suit, don’t you know!

Anthony Benedetto: You’re no slouch, either.

Tony Bennett: These are my fancy duds – I wore them for Bob Dylan. But I’m just as happy you dig ’em, too!

Anthony Benedetto: Good! They’re great, they’re really great — [ stumbling on his words ] that is great – great – great threads! Great threads!

Tony Bennett: I just want you all to know what a class act —

Anthony Benedetto: You got a great nose job.

Tony Bennett: Oh. Thank you very much! [ the audience cheers ] I apreciate that – I do!

Anthony Benedetto: [ laughs ]

Tony Bennett: Back in the late 70’s, I caught his show in Atlantic City, and I was surprised to find out he was copying my act, WORD FOR WORD! And song for song.

Anthony Benedetto: It was more of a tribute to you!

Tony Bennett: Anyway, I enjoyed the heck out of his performance, and then I sued to BEJEESUS out of him and sued him for everything he had! But he was such a first-rate human being, that we were able to bury the hatchet and.. MAKE LEMONS OUT OF — MAKE LEMONADE OUT OF LEMONS!! So – tell them what you did, Anthony.

Anthony Benedetto: I stayed in bed for two months.

Tony Bennett: No – after that.

Anthony Benedetto: Well, I slept in Grand Central Station.

Tony Bennett: No – way after that!

Anthony Benedetto: I retooled my act so it was more of a comedy parody – you know, Tony – you know, it – it’s 100% legal.

Tony Bennett: This guy does a send-up of my stuff that will.. HUFF AND PUFF, and BLOW YOUR HOUSE DOWN! Tell them who your stage name is! [ to the audience ] This is a doozy, folks!

Anthony Benedetto: My name is Phony Bennett!

[ the audience laughs along with Tony ]

Tony Bennett: Tell the folks some of those nuggets that you’re singing right now.

Anthony Benedetto: Oh, uh – let’s see: “Don’t Get Around Much Any More” – uh, uh, you know – “Someone Stole My Car.”

Tony Bennett: Great, great stuff!

Anthony Benedetto: “You Can’t Take That Away From Me – It’s Under Three Ounces.”

Tony Bennett: Priceless!

Anthony Benedetto: My biggest hit: “I Left My Heart in San Clan’s Disco.”

Tony Bennett: Oh! That water’s two halves of a hoot! Isn’t it crazy? We look alike, we sound alike, we even dress alike. I usually get my suits at Prioni – how about you, Anthony?

Anthony Benedetto: Men’s Wearhouse.

Tony Bennett: Anthony, hold that thought about Men’s Wearhouse, I gotta mention our sponsors – Lamicil tablets for nail fungus. [ pulls out product ] Hey, Anthony – hold that for me, would ya’? Right there? [ hands product to Anthony and looks past him to face the camera ] Thanks – you’re a pal! [ about to start his spiel, but Tony turns to look at the camera for a few beats; the audience laughs and cheers ] You know – nail fungus is no parade down Main Street. I once dated a lady who was 99% gorgeous, then I took her shoe-shopping. Her toenails looked like a lined-up row of BARBEQUED FRITOS!! There isn’t a pair of clippers out there that can tame those poker chips! Lamicil says, “Hey, nail fungus: don’t let the door hit ya’ where the Good Lord split ya’!” [ puts the product away and continues the interview ] Okay, Anthony! Where was I? Let’s talk about our plans for the holidays! I’m gonna be doing a midnight mass/concert outside the Vatican with PAVAROTTI and U2!! What are you cookin’?

Anthony Benedetto: I’m gonna have some, uh, Budweiser at my friend’s house – Ed’s house.

Tony Bennett: Oh! Parallel lives, I’m tellin’ ya’! I’m glad you could be here, it’s been a great, great, great, great week all about, what with the elections and the huge voter turnout – this is such a great country. What do you say, I think we OWE our fellow Americans a song. How do you feel about it?

Anthony Benedetto: That’s a GREAT idea!

Tony Bennett: Let’s go, you!

[ Tony grabs his microphone and stands, as Anthony is handed a microphone by an unseen stagehand; the audience cheers them on ]

Together: [ singing ]“Oh beautiful, for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!”

[ Tony addresses the audience, as Anthony continues singing ]

Tony Bennett: I’d love to thank my guest – Bob Dylan, catch you on the flipity-jip! Robert Dillon – sorry, times ten! Raincheck on Puddle of Mudd! Lamicil tablets for nail fungus! Kevin Federline – watch where you drop your worm! And, Anthony Benedetto – maybe you can open up for me some time!

Anthony Benedetto: [ excited ] Really?!

Tony Bennett: Don’t hold your breath! Join me tomorrow, when I’ll be stuffing a turkey with Kim Zimmer of “The Guiding Light”!

[ Tony and Anthony hug, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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