Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 6
An NBC Special Report
President George W. Bush…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on “NBC Special Report” graphic ]
Announcer: This is an NBC Special Report.[ dissolve to SNL graphic ]
“Saturday Night Live”, normally seen at this time, will be delayed so that we may bring you this special address from the President of the United States.[ dissolve to Presidential seal ] [ dissolve to President George W. Bush seated in Oval Office ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening. [ audience cheers excitedly ] As you are probably aware, last Tuesday, I flew to Southeast Asia, for a meeting of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation forum, a group comprised of nearly all the economic powers in that region, including, among others, China, Japan, South Korea, Indonesia, Singapore, Vietnam, and Australia. I had planned to return to Washington later this week, but decided to cut my trip short, in order to share with you two developments of major significance to all Americans.
First, I’m pleased to report that this meeting has led to dramatic progress towards the resolution of a variety of contentious issues, in such areas as trade, environmental protection, and national security.
Second, and this, I truly regret to say, we are now at war with vietnam. [ audience laughs ] The former was the end result of more than two years of painstaking negotiations among our partners in the region. THe lattter.. was just.. I don’t know, something that just sort of came up this afternoon! [ laughs ] And, to be honest, I think it might have been my fault! I do, I really do! The last thing I wanted from this trip was to get us involved another war in Vietnam! In fact, during the entire day-and-a-half I was in Hanoi, I kept saying to myself: “Do not get us into another war in Vietnam, do NOT get us into another war in Vietnam!” And, sure enough, look what happens! [ laughs ] Everything I was trying to avoid! [ laughs, shrugs ] I should have seen that coming!
Anyway, that’s all water under the bridge. To try to figure out exactly how we came to be at war again in Vietnam is pointless. The fact is, we’re at war. And there’s nothing we can do about it now. Of course, on the plus side, this will definitely lead to a withdrawal of troops from Iraq. [ audience cheers ] I mean, I think it would. Because, without a doubt, we’re gonna need every available soldier for vietnam. and then some. On the other hand, this war is gonna be long and difficult. For one thing, unlike the first Vietnam war, this time, we’ll be fighting both North and South Vietnam. Second, I plan to do this while actually cutting taxes. Which is probably impossible, but I at least want to try it. Third, and let’s be honest, we are seriously overextended. [ chuckles ] We are. Fourth, and most important, I have absolutely no strategy for how to fight and win this war! None, whatsoever. And, truth be told, I don’t know when I’m gonna have time to work on one! I mean, I don’t! For now, we have no alternative, but just see this thing through. “Cut and run” is not an option. We must stay the course.. otherwise.. this could be another vietnam.
Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it is Saturday Night.”