SNL Transcripts: Ludacris: 11/18/06: Old Friends


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 6

06f: Ludacris

Old Friends

Old Friend #1…..Darrell Hammond
Old Friend #2…..Ludacris

[ open on two old friends finishing lunch in a diner ]

Old Friend #1: Let me ask you something —

Old Friend #2: Ask me something, and I’ll TELL you something back!

Old Friend #1: Why is it that the minute I start to like a show, they cancel it?

Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] Which one?

Old Friend #1: “Barney Miller.”

Old Friend #2: Oh, my God, “Barney Miller” ain’t been on in twenty-five years!

Old Friend #1: I know! Because they canceled it!

Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] I have a question.

Old Friend #1: What?

Old Friend #2: When did telephones become walkie-talkies, and cameras, and stereos? I like a phone that’s screwed into the wall, you gotta stand to talk on it, you know what I’m talking about? And it’s got a long, funky, FUNKED-UP cord! You know?

Old Friend #1: I want my television to look like furniture! A big, chunky, wooden bastard that gets as HOT as the STOVE!! Something that you put your spider plant on!

Old Friend #2: Here’s a quizzer: why on’t they take the material they use to make pee pads, and make a whole set of pants with ’em? Huh?

Old Friend #1: Do you wear the pee pads?

Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! I just think that would be a product that would really take off, you know? You know what I’d call ’em?

Old Friend #1: Slick Slacks?

Old Friend #2: Yep.

Old Friend #1: Here’s a puzzler —

Old Friend #2: Hit me!

Old Friend #1: When did it become okay – okay? – to get a tattoo on your penis?

Old Friend #2: And earrings on your bosomswhy?

[ as Darrell Hammond breathes through his nostrils, his fake moustache begins to detach from his upper lip; he starts to raise his hand to adjust it, but quickly retreats ]

Old Friend #2: And answer me this: where did Pudding Pops go, huh?! Where’d they go?!

Old Friend #1: [ fueled with anger ] I want someone to tell me why I can’t smoke in J.C. Penney any more!

Old Friend #2: And when prostitutes start getting so picky?!

Old Friend #1: And when did chicken become a pizza topping?!

Old Friend #2: And where can I find some coffee-flavored coffee?! Huh?!

Old Friend #1: Where can I get a poster of Loni Anderson wearing a sweater-dress?!

Old Friend #2: And why can’t they combine the no-pee medicines with the stuffy medicines? Tell me that! [ looks at Darrell and notices the fake moustache hanging from his upper lip; turns his head back so as not to laugh ]

Old Friend #1: You have trouble in the stiffy department?

Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! But I know someone who does.

Old Friend #1: Who?

Old Friend #2: ME!! Here’s another query: are you paying for me soup?!

Old Friend #1: Uh – uh, well, yeah. I mean, don’t I always? [ picks up their lunch bill and holds up a dollar, as hi moustache comes considerably looser ] Uh – what is a, uh, good tip.. on six dollars and seventy-five cents?

Old Friend #2: Mmm.. sixteen cents! That’s twenty per cent! One last question: what the donk is the Internet, huh?

Old Friend #1: [ laughs for a split-second ] The hell if I know! [ begins laughing more ] You got me, my friend!

Old Friend #2: I know that your damn moustache is hanging off, I know that!

[ Darrell Hammond finally adjusts his moustache, as he and Ludacris begin waving their arms in mock surrender ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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