Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 6
Old Friends
Old Friend #1…..Darrell Hammond
Old Friend #2…..Ludacris
[ open on two old friends finishing lunch in a diner ]
Old Friend #1: Let me ask you something —
Old Friend #2: Ask me something, and I’ll TELL you something back!
Old Friend #1: Why is it that the minute I start to like a show, they cancel it?
Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] Which one?
Old Friend #1: “Barney Miller.”
Old Friend #2: Oh, my God, “Barney Miller” ain’t been on in twenty-five years!
Old Friend #1: I know! Because they canceled it!
Old Friend #2: [ chuckles ] I have a question.
Old Friend #1: What?
Old Friend #2: When did telephones become walkie-talkies, and cameras, and stereos? I like a phone that’s screwed into the wall, you gotta stand to talk on it, you know what I’m talking about? And it’s got a long, funky, FUNKED-UP cord! You know?
Old Friend #1: I want my television to look like furniture! A big, chunky, wooden bastard that gets as HOT as the STOVE!! Something that you put your spider plant on!
Old Friend #2: Here’s a quizzer: why on’t they take the material they use to make pee pads, and make a whole set of pants with ’em? Huh?
Old Friend #1: Do you wear the pee pads?
Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! I just think that would be a product that would really take off, you know? You know what I’d call ’em?
Old Friend #1: Slick Slacks?
Old Friend #2: Yep.
Old Friend #1: Here’s a puzzler —
Old Friend #2: Hit me!
Old Friend #1: When did it become okay – okay? – to get a tattoo on your penis?
Old Friend #2: And earrings on your bosoms – why?
[ as Darrell Hammond breathes through his nostrils, his fake moustache begins to detach from his upper lip; he starts to raise his hand to adjust it, but quickly retreats ]
Old Friend #2: And answer me this: where did Pudding Pops go, huh?! Where’d they go?!
Old Friend #1: [ fueled with anger ] I want someone to tell me why I can’t smoke in J.C. Penney any more!
Old Friend #2: And when prostitutes start getting so picky?!
Old Friend #1: And when did chicken become a pizza topping?!
Old Friend #2: And where can I find some coffee-flavored coffee?! Huh?!
Old Friend #1: Where can I get a poster of Loni Anderson wearing a sweater-dress?!
Old Friend #2: And why can’t they combine the no-pee medicines with the stuffy medicines? Tell me that! [ looks at Darrell and notices the fake moustache hanging from his upper lip; turns his head back so as not to laugh ]
Old Friend #1: You have trouble in the stiffy department?
Old Friend #2: Oh, hell no! But I know someone who does.
Old Friend #1: Who?
Old Friend #2: ME!! Here’s another query: are you paying for me soup?!
Old Friend #1: Uh – uh, well, yeah. I mean, don’t I always? [ picks up their lunch bill and holds up a dollar, as hi moustache comes considerably looser ] Uh – what is a, uh, good tip.. on six dollars and seventy-five cents?
Old Friend #2: Mmm.. sixteen cents! That’s twenty per cent! One last question: what the donk is the Internet, huh?
Old Friend #1: [ laughs for a split-second ] The hell if I know! [ begins laughing more ] You got me, my friend!
Old Friend #2: I know that your damn moustache is hanging off, I know that!
[ Darrell Hammond finally adjusts his moustache, as he and Ludacris begin waving their arms in mock surrender ]
[ fade ]
