Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 6
Ludacris’ Monologue
…..Ludacris
Ricdiculous…..Kenan Thompson
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Chris “Lou-day-chris” Bridges.
[ the audience cheers ]
Ludacris: Thank you very much. Well, well, well – it’s about damn time! This is my first time hosting “SNL”, and I must say it is an honor. A’ight? Now, some of you may know me as Chris Bridges from the movie “Crash.” A’ight? [ audience applauds ] Though, most of you know me as Ludacris, whose album, Release Therapy, just happened to go platinum just last week. [ audience cheers ]
See now, of course, I learned the hard way that when someone asks your name, you know, you don’t always say Ludacris.
For example – I’ll give you an example: if I meet a girl at a club, my name is Ludacris; but when I meet her parents, it’s Chris Bridges. A’ight?
When I’m in a studio, it’s always Ludacris; but when I’m applying for a bank loan, I tend to stick with Chris Bridges.
If I’m stopped by the cops, I’m Chris Bridges; If I’m stopped by a black cop, I’m Ludacris. [ audience laughs and cheers ]
Now, you know, I chose the name Ludacris because, you know, that’s how I flow. That’s my style. It’s original, and it’s one-hundred per cent Ludacris. Believe me when I tell you —
Voice: Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
[ a fellow rapper, dressed as his own persona, joins Ludacris on stage ]
Ricdiculous: Say – original? I beg to differ!
Ludacris: Everybody, this is Rick Barnes. We grew up together in Atlanta, Georgia.[ kisses his fingertips and holds it in front of Ludacris’ face ] What’s my name, yo?
Ludacris: Rick Barnes.
Ricdiculous: Ah – no! What’s my name?
Ludacris: Rick Barnes.
Ricdiculous: Ah – uh-uh! It’s — ? [ holds his hand up to his ear ]
Ludacris: [ surrenders ] Ricdiculous.
Ricdiculous: Shyeah! Ricdiculous! Yeah, you know you straight up stole my style, son! Yo! Can I get a beat?!
Ludacris: No, you cannot! Now, can you get off the stage, please?
Ricdiculous: Oh, that’s cool, that’s cool – I’ll make one myself! [ makes beat sound effects, begins rapping ]
“I’m Ricdiculous, and I’m here to say:
I’m the best rapper in the USA!”
Ludacris: Hold on, hold – wait, wait, wat. Why are you dressed like that, man?
Ricdiculous: Well, obviously, I have an interview. A job interview. It’s at a combination Taco Bell-Pizza Hut, so, techincally, it was two interviews!
Ludacris: Look, look – I know we grew up together, but this is ridiculous —
Ricdiculous: That’s right! Ricdiculous in da house! Yeaaaaahhhhh!! Oh! [ holds up his hand ] Can I get a hand? No? I can’t get it? None of that? That’s cool. [ lowers his hand ]
Ludacris: This is not the best time, okay? You see, I’m trying to do my —
Ricdiculous: Oh! Oh! Oh! My fault! My fault! I forgot – you BIG tme now! You can’t talk to an old friend.
Ludacris: Fine – what do you want to talk about, man? Huh? What do you want to —
[ cell phone rings ]
Ricdiculous: Oh, snap! Hold that thought, brother – I am going off! Whoo! [ pulls out oversized cell phone and stretches the antenna out as far as it can go ] Uh-huh? Yeah. Yeah, that’s fantastic! Okay, you won’t regret this! [ hangs up his cell phone ] Man! Looks like somebody don’t need a job after-rall, brother! That was NWA!
Ludacris: What? The NWA hasn’t been together since ’91.
Ricdiculous: Well, I meant NWA as in North West airlines. Yeah, they hired me as a baggage handler. Newark, Terminal C, y’all!
Ludacris: Alright, look, we got a great show tonight, Ludacris is here —
Ricdiculous: Ricdiculous!
Ludacris: Stick around, we’ll be right back!
