Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers
John Mark Karr…..Bill Hader
Bobby Knight…..Jason Sudeikis
Anoosa Rosenfeld…..Maya Rudolph
Announcer: “Weekend Update with Amy Poehler & Seth Meyers.”
Seth Meyers: I’m Seth Meyers.
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler. Here are tonight’s top stories.
President Bush, on Monday, met for more than an hour with the independent panel examining strategic options for Iraq, and cautioned afterward that, while he’s open to new ideas, he’d like them to come only from people who agree with him.
The Food and Drug Administration, on Friday, ended its fourteen-year ban on silicone breast implants. Said a spokesman for the FDA: [ mimes clutching her breasts ] “Ah-ooga! Ah-ooga!”
Seth Meyers: Senator Trent Lott, who was ousted from the Senate leadership four years ago because of remarks considered racially insensitive, won election Wednesday as the Senate Minority Whip, though Lott was disappointed to learn this doesn’t mean he gets to whip minorities.
In Kentucky, four people were shot by BB guns outside a Best Buy, as they waited in line to purchase the new Playstation 3, in yet another disturbing case of nerd-on-nerd violence.
Amy Poehler: General John Abizaid, the top U.S. General for the Middle East, told Congress this week that he remains optimistic that we can stabilize Iraq. In addition, Abizaid says he still has high hopes for Brad and Jennifer.
Seth Meyers: This Wednesday, O.J. simpson’s announced plans for a TV interview and book that hypothetically discusses how he would have murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman. Here to comment on the ethical nature of this media event – John Mark Karr.
[ the audience cheers the presence of John Mark Karr ]
John Mark Karr: [ silently stares at the audience, batting his eyelashes at a furious pace ] Thank you, Seth and Amy. It’s good to be here. Let me begin by saying that I find this entire affair nothing more.. than a disgusting exploitation of a tragic event. Shame on the FOX Network, shame of Judith Regan, and, most of all, shame on O.J. Simpson, who loves the public spotlight so much.. that he continues to prentend.. that he killed.. Nicole Brown Simpson.
Seth Meyers: Wait. You – you don’t think that he killed her? You don’t think he’s the killer?
John Mark Karr: I know he isn’t the killer, Seth. Because I am. [ breathes easier ] Oh, my goodness! [ chuckles ] It feels so good to get that off my chest! Thank you guys, for being so easy to talk to! [ chuckles awkwardly ] The confessional floodgates are o-peninnnng! [ chuckles ] Oh! I’m just remembering another terrible thing I did – Seth, I can tell you this because I feel like you understand me.
Seth Meyers: I don’t.
John Mark Karr: The other day, I went to Naomi Campbell’s apartment.. and I hit her maid.. on the back of the head. Oh, my God! [ chuckles nervously ] It feels so good to confess to all my heinous, heinous crimes, y’all!
Seth Meyers: Yeah. I don’t think you did that, either.
John Mark Karr: [ desperately ] I shot 50 Cent!
Seth Meyers: Oh, come on!
John Mark Karr: Well, not all nine times – just six. Or five. Or six. I shot him eleven times!
Seth Meyers: Alright, go on. John Mark Karr, everybody.
John Mark Karr: I killed Bambi’s mom! What?!
Amy Poehler: Jesse Jackson, Oprah winfrey, Maya Angelous and Tommy Hilfiger were among those gathered in Washington, D.C., Monday, for the ground breaking of the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial. And you know that if Martin Luther King were alive, he would have looked at the crowd and said, “Why the hell is Tommy Hilfiger here?”
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were marries earlier today in a castle in Italy. Let’s take a look at who was among the guests!
Seth Meyers: Oh, great!
Amy Poehler: Okay, we have a little chart here.
Seth Meyers: I love weddings!
Amy Poehler: [ pulls out seating chart ] This is fun – a little wedding chart here. [ using pointer ] So the bride and groom are here on the dais —
Seth Meyers: Oh, that’s nice.
Amy Poehler: Yeah. And the groom’s family sat over here.
Seth Meyers: Yeah.
Amy Poehler: Bride’s family over here.
Seth Meyers: Very exciting!
Amy Poehler: Yeah. Level 8: operational Faithens were over here.
Seth Meyers: Okay. That makes sense.
Amy Poehler: Aliens from the planet Klargon-7 – yeah, they say with the Meep Morps.
Seth Meyers: What? They can’t do that! The Klargons hate the Meep Morps!
Amy Poehler: I know. I know. And, at this table were the Dum-Dums and the Koo-Koos.
Seth Meyers: Oh, well, that’s good! ‘Cause Koo-Koos love Dum-Dums.
Amy Poehler: Yeah, Dum-Dums are great at weddings.
Seth Meyers: Wait a second – I’m sorry. [ lifts chart at the back of the pack, a single table at the rear ] Who’s this that sat way over here?
Amy Poehler: Brooke Shields.
Seth Meyers: Oh, that makes sense!
[ they put the chart away and continue with the newscast ]
Seth Meyers: Hall of Fame running back, Emmitt Smith, won “Dancing With the Stars”, Wednesday night. Tragically, he then celebrated by spiking his dance partner.
A Vermont woman who claims she was removed from an airplane because she was breastfeeding her baby, has filed a complaint against Delta Airlines and Freedom Airlines. In the airlines’ defense, this was the “baby.” [ show photo of grown man with a goatee ]
Amy Poehler: NBC announced another round of layoffs this week, Though, in some good news for the network, the “Dateline” sex predator is going co-op.
The Vatican reaffirmed the requirement that priests and seminarians remain celibate. Priests everywhere celebrated the news by saying, “Okay, that’s great! It’s just what we were hoping for! Yay!”
Seth Meyers: This week, “Spider-Man” star, Toby Maguire, and his fiancee, Jennifer Meyer, had a baby girl out of weblock. [ shakes his head apologetically ]
[ suddenly, basketball coach Bobby Knight appears onstage and begins yelling at Seth Meyers ]
Bobby Knight: Come on! Come on! Look! What the HELL was that, Meyers?!
[ his head hanging down ] I-I’m – I’m sorry, Coach Knight —
Bobby Knight: WHAT?! WHAT?!! You got — [ grabs Seth’s tie ] LOOK AT ME!! You LOOK AT ME!! Keep your head up!! Look, you’ve gotta have CONFIDENCE in your jokes!! You’ve gotta STAY IN THE GAME!! You lose confidence, YOU LOSE!! You understand me?!! YOU LOSE!! [ an extended, awkward beat ] Stay in the GAME, Meyers!! [ steps back, turns and faces an offscreen crew member ] Cut your hair! [ looks back at Seth, then smacks his across the chest before making his exit from the set ]
Amy Poehler: Wow.. that’s Bobby Knight. Do you think he’s still mad?
Seth Meyers: No, no, he’s fine.
Amy Poehler: Yeah.
[ a basketball is thrown at Seth, and bounces off his left shoulder ]
Amy Poehler: Oh!! Ooh. Stay in the game, Seth. Tough – tough “Update” coach.
Seth Meyers: [ smiles ] According to a government study, only one-percent of web sites indexed by Google and Microsoft are sexually explicit. Though, I did my own research, and it turns out that’s plenty!
Amy Poehler: Next week is Thanksgiving, and herem with an important message for young girls, is the editor of the teen magazine, Sixteen & 1/2, Anoosa Rosenfeld.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: Hey, guys! What’s up, guys? It is SO awesome to be here. Amy, wasn’t “Degrassi” on the end super crunk last night?
Amy Poehler: I don’t know what any of those words mean.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: [ laughs with a titter, then takes out a tube of lip gloss ] MYSPACE!! You know, I am actually here to talk to you about something really important. Oh, my gosh – so serious, right, you guys? Amy, Thanksigiving is this week. And it’s easy to forget that there are a lot of hungry people out there. And, uh – I thought I would remind all the teenaged girls out there that you CAN make a difference by donating food. Canned goods are great, but it does NOT have to stop there. This Thanksgiving, I am going to encourage – or [ makes quotes signs with her fingers ] “pressure” all the teenaged girls out there to donate ALL your food! Everything! Just keep donating until you almost feel like you’re going to pass out. FALL OUT BOY!! [ rubs lip gloss on her lips ]
Amy Poehler: Anoosa, are – are you okay?
Anoosa Rosenfeld: Huh? I’m great. and so are all these stars who are making a difference. For example, Kate Bosworth. [ show skinny photo ] Look how generous she is! Mischa Barton? [ show skinny photo ] Gosh, so giving! And, Nicole Ritchie? [ show skinny photo ] I can almost see her Thanksgiving spirit just jutting right through her chest! They are such an inspiration, Amy. Now, tell me, do you donate?
Amy Poehler: Uh, yeah – I try to do my part.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: [ glances at Amy’s body ] Really? It probably wouldn’t kill to be a little more charitable, huh? [ begins chewing on her lip gloss, and laughing nervously ]
Amy Poehler: Anoosa – Anoosa, are you eating your lip gloss?
Anoosa Rosenfeld: Huh? CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY!! [ laughs nervously as she eats the lip gloss ] So, girls, this year – when you sit down to your Thanksgiving dinner, of a Sweet-and-Low packet and a cigarette, just remember: MILLIONS of TEENAGERS like you go to bed HUNGRY EVERY NIGHT!! Shouldn’t YOU be ONE of them?!
Amy Poehler: Anoosa Rosenfeld, everyone.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: GIRL POWER!!
Amy Poehler: Oh. She’s gotta go.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: I’m so hungry!
Amy Poehler: You’re eating lip gloss.
Anoosa Rosenfeld: I’m SO hungry!
Amy Poehler: I understand.
Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, Microsoft introduced its own version of the iPod, called Zune. As in, “Hey! Your zune isn’t as cool as my iPod!”
Amy Poehler: More than 700 passengers and crew members aboard a transatlantic Carnival cruise ship have fallen ill with flu-like symptoms. Experts have traced the outbreak to the previous night’s dinner special – All-You-Can-Eat Room-Temperature Oysters.
According to new research, manatees are smarter than they appear – but not by much.
Seth Meyers: Christian and Muslim Britons joined forces yesterday to tell city officials to stop taking the Christianity out of Christmas, warning them that this simply fuels a backlash against Muslims. Also fueling a backlash against Muslims – terrorism.
According to a new report, women who suffer from vaginal itching, burning or swelling after sex, may actually be having an allergic reaction to their partner’s semen. also, if you have peanut allergies, don’t have sex with this guy. [ show photo of Mr. Peanut with a black bar over his crotch ]
Seth Meyers: For Weekend Update, I’m Seth Myers!
Amy Poehler: I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!