Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 7
Nancy Grace….Amy Poehler
Dr. Albert Edwards….Kenan Thompson
Greg Tanner….Matthew Fox
Announcer: This is CNN.
Caption: CNN The most trusted name in news.
[Nancy sits at her desk, background of city buildingsat night. She has a black blazer, orange shirt,mushroom hairdo, southern cadence in her tone ofvoice, holds a pen]
Nancy Grace: O.J. Simpson, Michael Richards and my ownlegal troubles. This and more tonight on “Nancy Grace”.
[Show’s introduction montage. Nancy snarls at thecamera, Nancy crosses her arms, defiant look on her face]
Caption: Nancy Grace
Nancy Grace: Good evening, I’m Nancy Grace and yes Iam wearing upper and lower lashes. Buckle up,everybody. Because as weeks go this one is as full asa deer tick.[Wiggles her pen]Stef! I’m talking withStef my producer. Has someone been messing with mylucky show pen? It feels light. Like someone’s beenusing it. Yeah, it’s light.[drops pen on desk,disgusted look on her face]Tonight we begin with theongoing Michael Richards drama. Now for those of youfriends living in a cave, TVs Kramer went onstage atthe comedy club and then threw a bunch of “n” wordsaround. He had what mother Grace called an “old timeycrack-up”. Joining now to comment is one the manyvictims of this outburst. Professor of AfricanAmerican Studies at Morehouse College[Screen splitsshowing a distinguished black man in a suit and tie,gray hair, glasses]Dr. Albert Edwards. How are youholding up doctor?
[Caption at the bottom of the screen. Breaking News.Headline Prime. Michael Richards Drama. Dr. AlbertEdwards African American Studies Morehouse College.Nancy Grace.]
Dr. Albert Edwards: Fine, Nancy. But I should pointout that I don’t consider myself a victim rather I’mone of the number of African Americans who sees thisas an opportunity to open up dialogue on race inAmerica.
Nancy Grace: Hmmm, that’s exactly what I would expecta victim to say.[smug look]
Dr. Albert Edwards: Nancy, you understand that I wasnot at The Laugh Factory?
Nancy Grace: But you heard about it and I know youkeep playing it over and over in your mind. And I needto remind you that you are a victim and you need tostop feeling ashamed.
Dr. Albert Edwards: I’m not a victim and I’m notashamed.
Nancy Grace: Hmmm, that means you’re healing. Doctor,I think you should sue Michael Richards.
Dr. Albert Edwards: Well, I’m not going to.
Nancy Grace: I think every black person in Americashould sue Michael Richards.
Dr. Albert Edwards: Well, that’s just not possible.
Nancy Grace: Do you know who else should sue Michael Richards?
Dr. Albert Edwards: No.
Nancy Grace: Michael Richards.
Dr. Albert Edwards: Why would Michael Richards sue Michael Richards?
Nancy Grace: Because he ruined his career. And youknow what they would call that case?
Dr. Albert Edwards: What?
Nancy Grace: Kramer vs. Kramer.[smug smile, pleasedwith her own joke]You get it?
Dr. Albert Edwards: Unfortunately, yes.
Nancy Grace: I like you Dr. Edwards. The only “n” wordI would call you is “nice”.
[Dr.Edwards squints, thinks about it]
Dr. Albert Edwards: I don’t think that sentence cameout the way you wanted it to.
Nancy Grace: I think it did. Moving on the Fox Networkchose not to air the O.J. Simpson interview where hewould’ve told us how he would have done the murder ifhe had done the murder. But I do want to show you howI would’ve reacted if I had watched it. [pretends toflick channel with remote control]Click! What?[crossesher arms]Ugh! Click! Of course those are hypotheticalreactions but I think we can agree it would besomething pretty close to that.[shakes herpen]Seriously, Stef. This pen is as light as afeather! Someone’s been messing with it.[annoyedlook]Finally, tonight I would like to address some ofthe legal issues that I have been dealing with.Joining us is Traffic Violations Officer Greg Tanner.How are you frie-e-end?
[Screen splits, moustached traffic officer is gettingmiked up. Looks uneasy]
Greg Tanner: Hmmm, I’m good. Am I on TV?
[Caption at the bottom of the screen. Breaking News.Nancy’s Legal Issues. Greg Tanner Traffic ViolationsOfficer. Headline Prime. Nancy Grace]
Nancy Grace: Congratulations, you are. Officer, wereyou just outside the studio giving me a parkingticket?
Greg Tanner: Yes.
Nancy Grace: And why is that?
Greg Tanner: Because you parked in a handicapped parking space.
Nancy Grace: And have I done that before?
Greg Tanner: Pretty much every week, Nancy.
Nancy Grace: Let me ask you this. What am I to do if Ipull up to the studio and someone has parked in theNancy Grace space? Should I just turn my car off andleave it in the middle of the street?
Greg Tanner: No, but you can’t park in a handicapped space.
Nancy Grace: Is it not having a parking space considered a handicap?
Greg Tanner: I would say no.
Nancy Grace: But having a parking space taken by someone else is a handicap?
Greg Tanner: I don’t quite understand. I do think itsagainst the law to force me into your show though.
Nancy Grace: Officer, I’m going to ask you a question I would lo-o-o-ve an answer to. Have you ever watched Seinfeld?
Greg Tanner: Sure.
Nancy Grace: Hmmmm, then I don’t think you’re reallyin any position to judge anyone. Seinfeld. Is allmaking sense to me now. When we come back we’re gonnaplay my favorite game. “Where in the world is JoranVan Der Sloot?” Stick around.
[Show’s montage with Nancy snarling, crossing herarms, defiant look plays again]
[Cheers and Applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel