SNL Transcripts: Matthew Fox: 12/02/06: Matthew Fox’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 7

06g: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D

Matthew Fox’s Monologue

…..Matthew Fox
…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Matthew Fox!

Matthew Fox: Thank you! Thank you very much! [ the audience cheers harder ] Wow! Thank you, thank you so much! Oh, wow! This us, uh – this is quite an honor. I – I can’t tell you how excited I am to be here. I’ve wanted to do this for so long – in fact, uh, I was very close to hosting about ten years ago. Before I was on “Lost”, I was on a show called “Party of Five”, and — [ audience screams excitedly ] Thank you! And, I remember when Neve Campbell, from that show, hosted, and I thought to myself, “Why not me?” Then, a little bit later, Jennifer Love Hewitt – also from “Party of Five” – got the call, and I was really psyched because I knew that I was probably next. But, then, uh, Scott Wolf got asked, and then I was, like, “Way to go, Scott!” You know? But, at least I knew then that I was definitely next. And, so I waited for the call. I waited. Then the call came, that.. “Party of Five” was cancelled.

That’s when I realized that my chance of hosting was gone. And, uh, what followed were some pretty dark times. [ creepy music begins to play ] I – I didn’t know what to do, I – I wandered the streets at night.. I joined the Merchant Marines.. I drank a lot.. I, uh – I killed a man, and.. and, then I killed four more. I-I-I’ll admit it – I mean, I wasn’t myself. I didn’t know what I was going to do. But, one day I was in a bar, and I ran into John Ratzenberger – Cliff, from “Cheers.” And, apparently everyone in that cast got to host except for him. He reminded me there’s been a lot of great actors in hit TV shows who never got any chance to host this show. Like Matt LeBlanc from “Friends” – he never hosted – all the other friends did. The whole cast of “Seinfeld” hosted, except for Michael Richards —

[ — who bursts into the scene like Kramer through an unlocked door ]

Michael “Kramer” Richards: Yee-ahhhh!!

Matthew Fox: What’s — ?

Michael “Kramer” Richards: Listen, I got here as QUICK as I COULD!! FOXY!! Listen to this idea: WE could host the show TOGETHER!!

Matthew Fox: Michael. Michael – uh – I’m not sure this is the best time for you to be doing comedy.

Michael “Kramer” Richards: Michael? Who’s Michael?! I’M KRAMER!! I got the floppy hair again, the high pants! I mean, EVERYBODY loves KRAMER!! I worked up a whole new act! I did it the other night at the Laugh Factory, it got a GREAT reaction!!

Matthew Fox: Really? Uh —

Michael “Kramer” Richards: [ desperately ] Listen, is there anything on “Lost” for me? You know, I could be one of the Others, I could be Black Smoke, be one of the Flashbacks – I mean, I neeed this [ whiny ] really, really, really, really ba-ad!! Foxy! You GOTTA let me have this!!

Matthew Fox: No. No, no, no. I really want to do this by myself.

Michael “Kramer” Richards: Ri-ight. You’re a real shifty one, Foxy. [ maniacally pats Fox on the stomach, laughs and exits ]

Matthew Fox: We’ve got a great show – Tenacious D is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

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