SNL Transcripts: Matthew Fox: 12/02/06: Matthew Fox’s Monologue

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 32: Episode 7



06g: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D

Matthew Fox’s Monologue

…..Matthew Fox
…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Matthew Fox!

Matthew Fox: Thank you! Thank you very much! [ the audience cheers harder ] Wow! Thank you, thank you so much! Oh, wow! This us, uh – this is quite an honor. I – I can’t tell you how excited I am to be here. I’ve wanted to do this for so long – in fact, uh, I was very close to hosting about ten years ago. Before I was on “Lost”, I was on a show called “Party of Five”, and — [ audience screams excitedly ] Thank you! And, I remember when Neve Campbell, from that show, hosted, and I thought to myself, “Why not me?” Then, a little bit later, Jennifer Love Hewitt – also from “Party of Five” – got the call, and I was really psyched because I knew that I was probably next. But, then, uh, Scott Wolf got asked, and then I was, like, “Way to go, Scott!” You know? But, at least I knew then that I was definitely next. And, so I waited for the call. I waited. Then the call came, that.. “Party of Five” was cancelled.

That’s when I realized that my chance of hosting was gone. And, uh, what followed were some pretty dark times. [ creepy music begins to play ] I – I didn’t know what to do, I – I wandered the streets at night.. I joined the Merchant Marines.. I drank a lot.. I, uh – I killed a man, and.. and, then I killed four more. I-I-I’ll admit it – I mean, I wasn’t myself. I didn’t know what I was going to do. But, one day I was in a bar, and I ran into John Ratzenberger – Cliff, from “Cheers.” And, apparently everyone in that cast got to host except for him. He reminded me there’s been a lot of great actors in hit TV shows who never got any chance to host this show. Like Matt LeBlanc from “Friends” – he never hosted – all the other friends did. The whole cast of “Seinfeld” hosted, except for Michael Richards —

[ — who bursts into the scene like Kramer through an unlocked door ]

Michael “Kramer” Richards: Yee-ahhhh!!

Matthew Fox: What’s — ?

Michael “Kramer” Richards: Listen, I got here as QUICK as I COULD!! FOXY!! Listen to this idea: WE could host the show TOGETHER!!

Matthew Fox: Michael. Michael – uh – I’m not sure this is the best time for you to be doing comedy.

Michael “Kramer” Richards: Michael? Who’s Michael?! I’M KRAMER!! I got the floppy hair again, the high pants! I mean, EVERYBODY loves KRAMER!! I worked up a whole new act! I did it the other night at the Laugh Factory, it got a GREAT reaction!!

Matthew Fox: Really? Uh —

Michael “Kramer” Richards: [ desperately ] Listen, is there anything on “Lost” for me? You know, I could be one of the Others, I could be Black Smoke, be one of the Flashbacks – I mean, I neeed this [ whiny ] really, really, really, really ba-ad!! Foxy! You GOTTA let me have this!!

Matthew Fox: No. No, no, no. I really want to do this by myself.

Michael “Kramer” Richards: Ri-ight. You’re a real shifty one, Foxy. [ maniacally pats Fox on the stomach, laughs and exits ]

Matthew Fox: We’ve got a great show – Tenacious D is here! Stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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