Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 7
Employee #1…..Fred Armisen
Employee #2…..Kenan Thompson
Female Employee…..Kristen Wiig
[ open on Sale-Mart manager standing in front of a bank of cash registers ]
Manager: Here at Sale-Mart, your big and friendly superstore, we’re ALL about low prices! Look! [ holds up a quesadilla maker in its box ] This quesadilla maker retails for $23.99. But you pay — [ smiley-face bounces on “Passin’ it along” price sticker marked $23.99, changes price to $19.26 ] 19.26! So, how do we do it? We ALL pitch in![ cut to two male employees stacking quesadilla maker boxes ]
Employee #1: We’ve only worked here for two years! Not enough to qualify for health insurance!
Employee #2: Or a dental plan! [ smiles to reveal crooked, misshapen teeth ] Passin’ the savings on to you!
Foreign Employees: We’re legal!![ cut to Female Employee raising a box over her head, as a co-worker climbs a ladder in the background while carrying a heavy box ]
Female Employee: Instead of getting Workman’s Comp, we just keep it careful! [ her co-worker promptly falls off the ladder, his legs twisting amongst the metal ] [ cut to Chinese employee building a quesadilla maker in a warehouse ]
Chinese Employee: [ speaking in Chinese: “I work hard for 16 hours a day, so you save money.” ] [ cut to full Sale-Mart staff holding boxes of quesadilla makers at the front of the store ]
Employees: That’s the Sale-Mart way!![ cut to Sale-Mart title graphic ]
Announcer: Sale-Mart.[ Sale-Mart Manager pops in front of the graphic ]
Manager: Make sure to stop by our pharmacy, where generic prescription drugs.. [ raises hands and lets pills bounce to the floor ] are TWO handfuls for a DOLLAR!!
Announcer: Always the lowest price![ fade ]