SNL Transcripts: Matthew Fox: 12/02/06: Sale-Mart

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 7

06g: Matthew Fox / Tenacious D


Manager…..Jason Sudeikis
Employee #1…..Fred Armisen
Employee #2…..Kenan Thompson
Female Employee…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on Sale-Mart manager standing in front of a bank of cash registers ]

Manager: Here at Sale-Mart, your big and friendly superstore, we’re ALL about low prices! Look! [ holds up a quesadilla maker in its box ] This quesadilla maker retails for $23.99. But you pay — [ smiley-face bounces on “Passin’ it along” price sticker marked $23.99, changes price to $19.26 ] 19.26! So, how do we do it? We ALL pitch in!

[ cut to two male employees stacking quesadilla maker boxes ]

Employee #1: We’ve only worked here for two years! Not enough to qualify for health insurance!

Employee #2: Or a dental plan! [ smiles to reveal crooked, misshapen teeth ] Passin’ the savings on to you!

[ cut to three foreign employees standing with cleaning equipment in a warehouse ]

Foreign Employees: We’re legal!!

[ cut to Female Employee raising a box over her head, as a co-worker climbs a ladder in the background while carrying a heavy box ]

Female Employee: Instead of getting Workman’s Comp, we just keep it careful! [ her co-worker promptly falls off the ladder, his legs twisting amongst the metal ] [ cut to Chinese employee building a quesadilla maker in a warehouse ]

Chinese Employee: [ speaking in Chinese: “I work hard for 16 hours a day, so you save money.” ] [ cut to full Sale-Mart staff holding boxes of quesadilla makers at the front of the store ]

Employees: That’s the Sale-Mart way!!

[ cut to Sale-Mart title graphic ]

Announcer: Sale-Mart.

[ Sale-Mart Manager pops in front of the graphic ]

Manager: Make sure to stop by our pharmacy, where generic prescription drugs.. [ raises hands and lets pills bounce to the floor ] are TWO handfuls for a DOLLAR!!

Announcer: Always the lowest price!

[ fade ]

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