Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 32: Episode 8
Stanfield & Partlow
Martha Stanfield…..Annette Bening
Christopher Partlow…..Bill Hader
[ open on Martha Stanfield standing in her reading perusing a Law book ]
Martha Stanfield: Are you a cat – or a group of cats – who has recently inherited a large sum of money from an eccentric old lady? Are you having trouble deciphering our country’s often Baroque capital gains tax laws because you can’t read – and you’re also a cat? [ puts her Law book down ] Hi. I’m Martha Stanfield. If you are a housecat who’s recently inherited the estate of a newly-deceased weirdo, the lawyers at Stanfield & Partlow are here to help you. Just ask my partner, Christopher Partlow.
[ Partlow enters, and begins shaking a feather on a stick at the camera ]
Christopher Partlow: Who’s a pretty kitty! Who’s a pretty kitty! You are, Mr. Ma-an!
[ Partlow exits ]
Martha Stanfield: But what if your inheritance is annuated, allowing you only a small percentage of your bequest for a year? How will you ever afford all that dog poison? Simple.
[ Partlow props up a display board in the office ]
Now – let’s say that a crazy old lady left you TEN million dollars, to be paid out over fifteen years. That translates to only, roughly, three-hundred thousand dollars per year after taxes. Stanfield & Partlow will offer you EIGHT million dollars, UP FRONT. [ shines laser pointer on display board, then bounces it around the board ] Huh? Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Now it’s over there! Uh-oh! Now it’s over there! Okay! [ continues ] And that eight million dollars can be paid out in cash or wounded birds. Isn’t that right, Christopher?
Christopher Partlow: Mer-eow!
Martha Stanfield: But don’t just take our word for it. Listen to what these satisfied customers had to say:
[ cut to black-and-white footage of a cat playing table tennis with a human ]
[ cut back to Stanfield ]
Martha Stanfield: Let’s face it – you’re a cat. And that musty old bag left you a lot of money. Here at Stanfield & Partlow, we ask only one question:
[ the show is running late, and, thus, the sketch dissolves into the night’s final commercial bumper ]
Martha Stanfield V/O: [ shaking cat toy ] Who’s a pretty kitty? Who’s a pretty kitty? Are you a pretty kitty — ?
[ end ]