SNL Transcripts: Annette Bening: 12/09/06: Stanfield & Partlow


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 32: Episode 8

06h: Annette Bening / Gwen Stefani, Akon

Stanfield & Partlow

Martha Stanfield…..Annette Bening
Christopher Partlow…..Bill Hader

[ open on Martha Stanfield standing in her reading perusing a Law book ]

Martha Stanfield: Are you a cat – or a group of cats – who has recently inherited a large sum of money from an eccentric old lady? Are you having trouble deciphering our country’s often Baroque capital gains tax laws because you can’t read – and you’re also a cat? [ puts her Law book down ] Hi. I’m Martha Stanfield. If you are a housecat who’s recently inherited the estate of a newly-deceased weirdo, the lawyers at Stanfield & Partlow are here to help you. Just ask my partner, Christopher Partlow.

[ Partlow enters, and begins shaking a feather on a stick at the camera ]

Christopher Partlow: Who’s a pretty kitty! Who’s a pretty kitty! You are, Mr. Ma-an!

[ Partlow exits ]

Martha Stanfield: But what if your inheritance is annuated, allowing you only a small percentage of your bequest for a year? How will you ever afford all that dog poison? Simple.

[ Partlow props up a display board in the office ]

Now – let’s say that a crazy old lady left you TEN million dollars, to be paid out over fifteen years. That translates to only, roughly, three-hundred thousand dollars per year after taxes. Stanfield & Partlow will offer you EIGHT million dollars, UP FRONT. [ shines laser pointer on display board, then bounces it around the board ] Huh? Where’d it go? Where’d it go? Now it’s over there! Uh-oh! Now it’s over there! Okay! [ continues ] And that eight million dollars can be paid out in cash or wounded birds. Isn’t that right, Christopher?

Christopher Partlow: Mer-eow!

Martha Stanfield: But don’t just take our word for it. Listen to what these satisfied customers had to say:

[ cut to black-and-white footage of a cat playing table tennis with a human ] [ cut back to Stanfield ]

Martha Stanfield: Let’s face it – you’re a cat. And that musty old bag left you a lot of money. Here at Stanfield & Partlow, we ask only one question:

[ the show is running late, and, thus, the sketch dissolves into the night’s final commercial bumper ]

Martha Stanfield V/O: [ shaking cat toy ] Who’s a pretty kitty? Who’s a pretty kitty? Are you a pretty kitty — ?

[ end ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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